Monday, August 3, 2009

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Starring: Our brothers and sisters in uniform
Dir: Stephen Sommers
Runtime: 1 hr 58 mins

How to: Build your own Accelerator Suit

Let's face it. We all want Accelerator Suits, but getting into the army is tough. Between needing to not have been convicted of any felonies, and not being in a gay marriage or having previously been gay married or attempting to get gay married, it is a precious few of us that are eligible for consideration for the general infantry of the US Army. And that's not even counting all those ineligible simply because they currently have an infectious and contagious disease. There is a reason it's called "An Army of One” - there's like one person in the country who can meet these outrageous standards.

If you're like most of us, you've got at least one or two or three of the above items holding you back from joining the army. That's okay. The only reason anyone wants to get into the army these days is to get their hands on an Accelerator Suit (featured in the newly released movie
G.I. Joe). And now you don't need to join the army, because you can build your own Accelerator Suit by following my simple instructions.

First I would like to note that Accelerator Suits are the most dangerous kind of suit there is, with the possible exception of Poison Arrow Frog Suits. Any attempt to actually use this suit without proper G.I. Joe training would likely result in your dismemberment and death, and the dismemberment of your loved ones.

Please do not attempt to actually build this suit. Following these simple instructions will likely result in (even more) felonies for you and your loved ones, and the breaking of up to and including five international treaties. These impossibly simple instructions are for entertainment purposes only.

Should you attempt to build this suit despite my warnings, please do not make Youtube videos of it, and email the links to, because I will not post them, as doing so could be construed as implicit encouragement of making these very dangerous, yet surprisingly easy to make suits.

NOTE: Due to a somewhat aggressive letter from General P_____ from the Pentagon, I have been "asked" to remove certain parts of Steps 2 and 3. If this bothers you as much as it should, please write to your local congressman.

Step 1
: You will need some baking soda and vinegar. You will also need about 1 kg of weapons-grade plutonium. If you can't procure weapons-grade plutonium, any sort of regular-grade plutonium should suffice and even "I Can't Believe it's Not Plutonium!" will work in a pinch.

Step 2: Take the ______________ in ______________. Be careful when ______________ no less than seven times.

Step 3: ______________ a cat. ______________ the ______________
sticky, along with the distinct smell of human ______________.

Step 4: Build and program an automatic data interchange system. This system should feature a standard repeating process loop. Alternatively, you can take an old computer and glue the computer chips to your suit. Duct tape will work if you don't have glue. Doritos will work if you don't have a computer.

Step 5: Put it to the test! Get on top of your house * and jump down**. If you built the suit correctly, you should be flying above your neighborhood by this time. If you didn't build your suit correctly, attempt to angle your body so that the fall from the roof kills you, because your exposure to the plutonium will likely result in a much more painful death.

*Don't do this.
**Definitely don't do this, and don't video tape it.

4 out of 5 stars, why not.


hamza daoui said...

Because I live in a different country and we don't have movie theaters where I live (not gonna tell you where, but small hint: "Borat").
I need to build the Accelerator Suit to travel through the Atlantic so I can make it to the US by the opening night of "G.I. Joe", and I had some suggestions.

So step 2 is really easy but step 3 I was more thinking of a hamster than a cat it's a lot easier with a hamster..

Tom Thayer said...

A hamster, of course! That's a much better idea. And less messy too...

Sean Catlett said...

I learned that 1) an accelerator suit is easy to make, 2) I should try and make one, 3) I should videotape it and send you two copies to make sure you get it.

I learned a lot.

Tom Thayer said...

No, no, no. Yes. No.

Am I being clear?

Cindy Tworek said...

I thought this was a better investment than tickets to GI Joe (maybe I'll see it as a matinee):