G-Force

G-Force
Dir: Hoyt Yeatman
Starring: Bill Nighy, Will Arnett, Zach Galifianakis
Runtime: 1 hr. 29 mins

Hello Chaps, Arthur here.

It was not my plan to have my first entry on the magic glowing paper throw my sanity into question. Something very peculiar happened while watching G-Force. I feel I must relate these events to you, even though in doing so I risk my reputation.
Since I know of no other way to prepare you, I shall simply tell you forthwith:

The hamsters were talking.

At first I thought I was imagining it. Someone off-screen had spoken, and the hamsters had appeared in such a way that my eyes and ears were deceived. But when it happened again and again, there was no mistaking. The hamsters were speaking.

Still I resisted the notion, my rational mind holding out for a further explanation against what my heart already knew was true. I reasoned that this must be some sort of untold magic, or perhaps a clever and very skilled ventriloquist.

But no man or witchcraft could hide the truth. The truth that spoke with the Queen's English; with syntax and inflection that would make the Bard himself jealous.

I looked around the theatre to see how others were handling this unfathomable occurrence, but their eyes were fixed on the screen, and their placid smiles spoke of nothing out of the ordinary.

How peculiar, I thought, for this crowd to take such an unbelievable phenomenon so easily. But all mysteries have answers, and the answer to this one came to me rather quickly. I must be the only one who could hear them.

I felt an overwhelming sense of importance and duty. Perhaps I am the only man in history with this gift. I had visions of bridging the gap between animal and man.

The hamsters told me many things that day, but sadly none of it worth repeating. They spoke the secrets of their people. Crude and degrading things. Fornication and eating children.

However, I did feel a union of minds with Agent Juarez, a seductive mistress of martial arts. Were she only human, and much older, and also a time traveler such as myself, I think I would have found my other half.

Alas, Arthur, alas.

4 out of 5 royal jewels