Monday, November 30, 2009

New Moon

In New Moon, Edward and Bella learn that having a high school relationship where one of you is a human and the other is vampire is not just a fun-filled sex romp. One of you will inevitably want to suck the other's blood, and both of you will be really emo about everything.

Laden with themes of teenage sex and bestiality, New Moon is a romantic tale that will certainly titillate everyone; from the prepubescent girl to the socially disturbed forty-something man.

4 out of 5 stars.

Monday, November 23, 2009

The Road

The Road is an offbeat romantic comedy in which ever-charming Hollywood hunk Viggo Mortenson plays a single parent searching for love and food in a quirky post-apocalyptic wasteland.

Life throws a lot of things between Mortenson and love; cannibals, starvation, crazy neighbors, you name it. In one hilarious scene, Mortenson meets an attractive, single pregnant woman! Could this person be the one he was waiting for? Only to discover that she consumes her own baby after giving birth to it (gross!).

The Road is based on the Cormac McCarthy novel of the same name. McCarthy had this to say about his novel, "When I wrote The Road, I wanted to hold a mirror up to society so that we can all see just how silly we are sometimes. Life is a road we all walk upon, and it's meant to be fun. People need to stop taking themselves so seriously. And that's why I, Cormac McCarthy, wrote The Road."

I won't spoil the surprise ending, but let's just say that Mortenson learns a thing or two about being a daddy.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Fantastic Mr. Fox

If Roald Dahl came back from the dead, and saw all that several of his books have been made or remade into successful movies, he'd probably ask the single question that is at the forefront of all hardcore Roald Dahl fans' minds: why aren't there any children being killed and/or eaten in any of these movies?

A lot of people will probably come to the defense of the films, saying that it is inappropriate to have children killed and/or eaten in movies that are made primarily for children. Or that children aren't actually eaten in Matilda, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and Fantastic Mr. Fox.

To these people, I say there are certainly children eaten in all of those stories; you just need to learn how to read between the lines. And furthermore, there was never any greater advocate of child consumption than Roald Dahl himself. The only thing he liked more than eating children was eating children in front of other children he was going to eat later.

I seem to remember an enormous crocodile just all of a sudden deciding that he wants to eat some fucking children for lunch. So what does he do? He goes into town, and brags to everyone he sees on the way about the carnage to be. What am I talking about? Some fucked-up fever dream I had? No. That's the actual plot of The Enormous Crocodile, a book written by Dahl for readers aged 5 and up (probably the only reason it's targeted for kids so young is that the crocodile doesn't get to eat the kids in the end. Instead he just gets thrown into outer space, and into the fucking sun!)

If Roald Dahl were alive today, I guarantee you he would be in Wes Anderson's office right now, demanding that more children be dismembered and gobbled up by whatever horrible creatures were in his fantastic brain that day. And I'll tell you what, he doesn't care that none of that happened in Fantastic Mr. Fox either. Fuck it – let's throw some giants in there who go around and eat orphans like they're candy, is what he would say.

God rest your soul, Mr. Dahl.

4 out of 5 stars.

Monday, November 2, 2009

The Box

In The Box, a couple is given the answer to their financial woes: if they open the box, they receive one million dollars, and someone they don't know dies.

Basically, it's the perfect invention. It has the power to generate a virtually endless stream of cash (limited to the population of Earth, I assume), while at the same time, its killing power is not compromised.

Imagine you have a gun that freaking turns people into gold whenever you shoot them with it. This box is even better than that gun, because you don't have to lug around golden corpses everywhere (very heavy), and you don't have to deal with that cocky know-it-all behind the counter at Cash 4 Gold. “Where do you keep getting these golden statues?” and “Why do all of them look they've just been shot?”

Look, Cash 4 Gold guy. You've got two jobs, and two jobs only: One. Melt down the golden corpses I give you, and two, pay me a fair market price.

The only disadvantage to the box that I can see is that it kills people you don't know. The gun that turns people into gold, on the other hand, allows you to target anyone you want. This is a big plus if you have a lot of enemies that you would like to be made into gold. On the other hand, I suppose if you have the box, you can just get the million dollars and then buy a regular gun.

So all in all, if faced with the option, go for the box.

4 out of 5 stars.