Monday, October 5, 2009

Where the Wild Things Are

Dir: Spike Jonze
Starring: Max Records

This movie was completely unrealistic. Giant talking beasts walking around, and talking? Are we supposed to believe that this actually happened? It's just silly to believe in talking beasts and magical lands. It's time for everyone to just grow up, and learn how to function in the real world.

We, as a culture, have to move on from these ridiculous fantasies. Whatever make-believe worlds we thought we saw when we were kids were obviously just a result of all those stupid cartoons we were watching, and eating too much chocolate. All the doctors agree that too much sweets, coupled with an overactive imagination can induce vivid, realistic dreams that can be difficult for a ten year old boy to distinguish from reality. But by simply eliminating the cartoons, cutting back on the chocolate, and adding years of psychotherapy, the child can be readjusted for society.

Even if the boy still sees these make-believe creatures when he gets a little older, and he's definitely not sleeping, and the creatures talk to him, and ask him to join them in their merry dances and reveries, he will know better than to do so, because he's been told over and over again that these are just illusions invented by his overactive mind, and he should take a couple of the pills and go for a walk outside or something.

The boy, now a grown man, has been monster-free for several years now, and is finally becoming used to seeing the world as other people must see it, when what should come along but a freaking movie featuring the exact sorts of creatures he'd been seeing throughout his childhood.

Honestly, what are we supposed to think about this movie?


2 out of 5 stars.

18 comments:

Sean Catlett said...

At least I know my Time Filmbacky Machine worked. But could you write your reviews on less degradable material? Squintins fer Japs.

Oh it's how we joke!

E. Thompson Thayer said...

No, your Time Filmthingy didn't do anything. I just waited it out. I'm like 150 years old. Let's never speak of my time traveling adventure again.

Clayton Roche said...

Ebert tweeted your post!

@ebertchicago No-nonsense, tell it like it is review of "Where the Wild Things Are" http://j.mp/mLcsY

http://twitter.com/ebertchicago/status/4744099066

Eaken said...

Perhaps we're supposed to think... "There is a monster inside us all." I feel sorry for the little boy you described. I feel sorry that the truth his imagination was pointing him toward was squashed, that now his heart rejects whimsy and play (and chocolate). He didn't need to be readjusted, he needed to be encouraged. Without imagination there is no art, there is no math, there is no progress. We, then, are numb and in the dark to anything beyond our empirical selves. We are small. I say, let the wild rumpus start!

Anonymous said...

Is this guy serious? "Why do we need movies with make believe creatures?" no really, is he serious? nahhhhh. no one is this retarded.

Anonymous said...

Am I missing the joke or is this an actual review? If this is an honest review, then I'm pretty surprised by the reviewer's complete lack of an imagination. And is this even a review of the film or more of an observation of something you don't understand because you were never able to think outside of the box as a child? It's obvious that the suspension of disbelief while watching a film doesn't enter your frame of mind.

Mike said...

Wow. The review is a joke, Anonymous.

Masoni said...

If you're being sarcastic with this post, you're a funny man indeed. Bravo.

formerly fun said...

"he should take a couple of the pills and go for a walk outside or something"


awesome

Augie Hoffman said...

Anonymouses,

I happen to know the reviewer personally and I can say confidently (and regrettably) that there is nothing funny about this review in the least bit.

Anonymous said...

I'd be interested to know what films this particular critic has enjoyed, or has been enriched by in the past. Judging from the review, I can find no indications of satire or camp. Alas, this poor person seems to have been born with no imagination. Perhaps some psychedelic drugs followed by a walk outside would help this critic with their imagination problem.

Anonymous said...

dude...you should just stop reviewing movies. you obviously don't understand why we make them.

E. Thompson Thayer said...

You tell me I have no imagination?

If I close my eyes, and I concentrate real hard, I can see a picture in my brain. But when I open my eyes the picture isn't there anymore.

What do you think about that?

Seriously, does anyone know what's happening to me?

Anonymous said...

You are complete moron (sorry i usually refrain from the name calling of people i don't know, who knows you may be a great person, so i guess what i mean is this is completely ridiculous.) unless i am missing something like sarcasm. YOU GAVE G.I. JOE 4 STARS. granted i didn't read the review for that so hopefully that was satire as well. Anyways i am sorry you feel this way, and i have no idea who gave you the right to screen movies but they should take it back

Chesty said...

Speaking of unrealistic, y'all seen Jonze's Being John Malkovich? I have never seen a half floor in a building before. That's such bullshit. And Cameron Diaz is all homely.

Anonymous said...

Your an asshole plain and simple. It's because of people like you that kids don't play make-believe or have imaginations anymore. You, and people like you, are the reason kids kill themselves. If you have no imagination yourself then why the hell are you going to a fictional/fantasy movie. Stick with the documentaries.

Max Rosenthal said...

To answer your question, about as much as I think about the value of your review. Honestly.

Samantha K said...

one of the main things that make this movie seem less "child-like" was the actors they chose for the voices, especially James Gandolfini (from the Sopranos)