Sunday, October 18, 2009

Saw VI

How to Survive in the Saw Series

The Saw franchise has successfully created one of the most twisted, diabolical villains of all time. A villain who wants you to appreciate life and live to the fullest.

No thank you, Jigsaw. I won't give up spending Saturday nights at home watching reruns of the Simpsons, and eating ice cream for dinner just because there's nothing else to eat, and I need to end my hunger somehow.

If you're anything like me, then you've spent many years crafting a cynical, slightly depressed, and highly materialistic outlook on life, and there's no way you're going to give that up just because some psycho wants to kidnap you and torture you.

Well, lucky for you, you don't have to. The solution is simple: just don't get kidnapped. Sounds easy? That's because it is! All you need to do is become really, really paranoid.

Say you pour yourself a glass of water, and then you leave the room for a few minutes and then come back. You'd probably drink that water, right? I'm telling you right now: don't drink that water! It could have been drugged while you were in the other room.

Here's another little rule I call: lights on/lights off. You make a choice whether you want all the lights in your house on ALL of the time or NONE of the time. If the lights are on all of the time, then you never have to worry about someone hiding in a darkened room waiting to attack you. If the lights are always off (my choice, both cost-wise and aesthetically), your eyes (and your psyche) will adjust to the perpetual gloom of your existence. This will give you the advantage when a kidnapper inevitably breaks into your house, as he will most likely be accustomed to "normal lighting conditions."

All the victims in Saw made classic mistakes. Mistakes like:

1. Driving a car,
2. Leaving their house,
3. Eating food,
4. Trusting anyone,
and of course: 5. Sleeping.

All of this advice and more will be included in my upcoming book "What They Didn't Teach Me in College."

4 out 5 stars.


Bonehead XL said...

*snort* "Sawesome."

willy jerk-off said...

Shawnee Smith might be pushing 40 but that chick still drives me wild with lust and desire.