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Monday, July 20, 2009
Dir: Jaume Collet-Serra
Starring: Peter Sarsgaard, Isabelle Fuhrman
Runtime: 2 hrs 3 mins
Horror Movie Survival Tactics : Orphan
Sometimes all you need to do to survive is avoid making a monumentally stupid decision. For instance, in Orphan, right off the bat the parents make the critical mistake of adoption.
Never adopt anyone or anything. Nothing good can come of it. You can ask those little kids all the questions, run all the psychological tests on them, but at the end of the day, you don't know where they've been.
The lesson I'm trying to impart to you is: don't take shortcuts. Especially when it comes to making babies. At least when you make a baby from scratch, you know where that baby is every step of the way (except when you leave it in the car to buy groceries).
So you're set on adopting a child. Alright fine. At the very least, let's not adopt the creepiest looking kid in the entire orphanage. Avoid any children with extremely light or extremely dark features - for instance soul-penetrating blue eyes is a pass. The same goes for any child whose eyes are like staring into the cold, blackness of Death.Just go for someone in the middle, preferably with average to low intelligence.
Remember, you're looking for an average kid, who is not going to use its supernatural powers to open a gateway to Hell in your basement. Also, if the child has a British accent, skip it. Even if you're in the UK, you would do well to keep looking. Finally, adopt a boy. I can't stress this enough. You're at least four times less likely to get a child born of Satan if its male. I'm not being sexist - I'm just telling you how it is.
Once you have the orphan living in your house, you must be wary of it at all times. Test your orphan to see if she has any uncanny abilities that portend witchery. When she's not looking at you, throw a stapler or something at her head. If she catches it at the last moment, there is a good chance she's got a demon or a ghost inside of her. If she just takes a hit with the stapler, it's a good sign to be sure, and you should apologize.
But at the same time, don't apologize too much. And don't let down your guard. She is probably just holding back her powers.
If you ever wake up to find her staring down at you, just reach out your arms and start strangling, and don't stop. Or at the very least, knock her unconscious, put her in the trunk of your car, and drive them both off a pier.
If for some incomprehensible reason you decide to allow the creepy staring to slide, be on your toes for anything. If she suddenly appears behind doors, or if you start hearing creepy music coming from nowhere, now is the time to run to the shed, grab the gasoline and the shotgun, and set your house on fire. Don't wait for something to actually happen. By that time, it will already be too late. Gasoline. House on fire. Now.
Stand at the front door with the shotgun, and shoot anything or anyone that comes out. This includes your "family." At this point there is at least a 60% chance that your family is under some sort of spell, or they are really actually her and she's a shapeshifter. And of course there is always a chance that they are zombies. Never discount the possibility of zombies.
After you watch the house burn to the ground, approach your car in a calm, controlled manner. Unload three or four rounds into the backseat. Don't even look in the backseat until you've done this. Then floor it. Drive until you find a junkyard with a car crusher. Leave your old car to be crushed, and get a new one. Keep driving until you've put at least a thousand miles between you and the ashes of your old life. At this time, you can start looking for a town where you can start over.