Monday, January 19, 2009

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans



Dir: Patrick Tatopoulos Starring: Michael Sheen, Bill Nighy, Rhona Mitra
Runtime: 1 hr 32 mins


In some movies, the characters and plot are so far removed from our real life experiences, that the movie fails to make the human connection. Take Little Miss Sunshine for instance. Sure, it won plenty of awards from snobby critics, but who was that movie actually made for? How many of us actually go to beauty pageants, or drive vehicles, or have grandfathers? It was a movie made by the Hollywood elite, for the Hollywood elite.

And that's why Underworld: Rise of the Lycans is a breath of fresh air. It's not about Hollywood fat cats, riding their VW buses across the country like millionaires. Watching Rise of the Lycans is like looking through a magical porthole into my own childhood.

My Dad used to be a vampire. He would stumble back home before dawn, with the powerful stench of human blood on his breath. Human blood smells awful; like a combination of whiskey and beer. He would sleep all day, and would complain whenever Mom turned on a light or opened the curtains.

One time I asked Mom if Dad didn't like the sunlight because it would turn him into ashes. She just started laughing, but then it turned into crying.

At night, Dad would rise from bed, and go into town looking for blood.

One night Dad was attacked by our next door neighbor's pet Lycan. It was a big, mean beast. They kept it chained up in the yard. Dad was coming home from such a big night of feasting on blood, that he thought our neighbor's house was his house. When his key didn't work on the front door, he had assumed that Mom had changed the locks again.

So Dad went around back to where he thought Mom's bedroom was, and threw a brick through the window, and started yelling. The noise woke up the sleeping Lycan, who bit Dad on the leg.

The police came. The Judge made Dad stop being a vampire after that.


4½ out 5 stars.

12 comments:

Rob Grothe said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tom Thayer said...

That's funny. No, I never noticed that before.

grid said...

Hysterical review, guy whore. ;)

Tom Thayer said...

Thanks Grid! I write these reviews for you, after all. Specifically you.

Abhi said...

I wish I found this blog sooner. Thank you for making my day, sir.

Sukhmani said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sukhmani said...

I think my elder brother was a vampire too.. makes perfect sense now... thanks for opening my eyes.

Tom Thayer said...

@ Abhi: Thank YOU sir! I'm glad you found it. Feel free to peruse my archives any time you want. And keep Isaac safe for me.

omenvoir said...

Made me giggle like a vampy school-girl! Bookmarked!!

Abhi said...

Keeping Isaac safe is too monumental a task for someone as lazy/awesome as myself.

mariathayer said...

Makes me want to run out to see this movie

Tom Thayer said...

You know you've made it in the Big Time when your mom comments on your blog. Thanks for the support, Mom.