X-Men: First Class

Dear Mr. Thayer,

I have reviewed your most recent application to the Charles Xavier School for Gifted Youngsters. It is with a heavy heart that I inform you once again we do not have any openings for you this coming fall.

As a telepath, I know that you are preparing to apply again in the spring and the subsequent fall. Please save yourself the effort.

Your essay, "Wolverine Ain't Shit," even excusing the grammatical errors and what I can only describe as 1800s "pirate slang," was in extremely poor taste, even more so because there is no essay portion on the entrance application.

In fact, there isn't an entrance application at all, which is a fact that has still managed to elude you in these last seven years of our correspondence.

The process is really quite simple: if you're a mutant, I come to your home and ask you if you want to come to my mutant school. If you're not a mutant, you're shit out of luck, I'm afraid.

Your documented "abilities" are a few shades less than what we'd consider mutant powers here at CXSGY. I'm afraid that your "power" to ejaculate in under a minute, while certainly impressive in it's own way, is not a mutation.

And while I'm not a medical doctor, I would recommend that you see one judging by the most recent photograph you sent of your "ever-expanding back rash" power, which I have had the unfortunate privilege of watching develop over your last four letters.

If you must apply next semester, please consider Hogwart's instead.

Best Wishes,

Dr. Charles Xavier

Charles Xavier School for Gifted Youngsters