Oscar Night

Good evening ladies and gents. I want to share with you a magical night that begins with me dressing up as Jeff Bridges' wife, and ends with me doing... unspeakable things with Mr. Bridges. And in between – me, live at the Oscars!

What surprised me the most, besides how short everyone was in person, was the sheer number of awards. Most of the awards don't even make it to TV, nor does anyone report on them, or even mention them once the Oscars are over.

So here they are – a Guy Who Reviews Movies exclusive – the previously unreported Oscar Awards of 2009:

Best “9” Movie Award
This award recognizes the best movie with “9” in its title. This year there were three freaking nominations. WTF?
Nominees:
Nine
9
District 9
Winner: 9

Best “Up” Movie Award
Nominees:
Up in the Air
Up
Winner: Tie – they were both really good movies.

Best “The Matrix” Award
This award honors the best “The Matrix” movie of 2009. This prestigious award has recently replaced the Best “Fight Club” Movie Award.
Nominees:
Surrogates
Gamer
Avatar
Winner: Avatar

I feel it's important to note that by this point in the night, Oscar host Alec Baldwin had consumed a lot of gin martinis. Whenever someone was giving his or her acceptance speech, he would turn his back to the audience and finish off his drink.

I don't even know if these were real awards. He had an envelope, but I'm pretty he was just pulling a cocktail napkin out of it, and pretending to read off of it. But for some reason, everyone was cool with it. Not only that, but everyone really wanted to win these awards.

Best Clooney Award
Nominees:
Up in the Air
Fantastic Mr. Fox
Etc, etc. like 50 other movies.
Winner: Who the fuck cares?

Best Movie I Didn't See Award
Nominees:
The Hurt Locker
Push
Crazy Heart
Winner: probably The Hurt Locker

Most Fuckable CGI Award
This award is given to the movie whose computer-generated imagery is deemed most fuckable.
Nominees:
Fantastic Mr. Fox – various animals
Up – the old dude's wife in between (and not including) when she was a little kid and an old lady
Avatar – the blue people.
Winner: Avatar – the blue people.

Best Quote that I kind of Remember
Nominees:
“Everything has a place in nature, and spirits, and blah blah blah.” - Avatar
“I fucking love firing people! And airplanes and shit!” - Up in the Air
“Fuck! My fucking house is fucking – holy fuck!” - Up

Winner: “I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me. Papa – paparazzi...” - Paparazzi (Lady Gaga)

Baldwin got halfway through singing Paparazzi before he stumbled and fell into the orchestra pit. He was okay, but he sent the three flautists he fell on to the hospital. Everyone kind of just wandered away after that. It seemed as good a time as any to end the Academy Awards and call it a night.