G-Force

G-Force
Dir: Hoyt Yeatman
Starring: Bill Nighy, Will Arnett, Zach Galifianakis
Runtime: 1 hr. 29 mins

Hello Chaps, Arthur here.

It was not my plan to have my first entry on the magic glowing paper throw my sanity into question. Something very peculiar happened while watching G-Force. I feel I must relate these events to you, even though in doing so I risk my reputation.
Since I know of no other way to prepare you, I shall simply tell you forthwith:

The hamsters were talking.

At first I thought I was imagining it. Someone off-screen had spoken, and the hamsters had appeared in such a way that my eyes and ears were deceived. But when it happened again and again, there was no mistaking. The hamsters were speaking.

Still I resisted the notion, my rational mind holding out for a further explanation against what my heart already knew was true. I reasoned that this must be some sort of untold magic, or perhaps a clever and very skilled ventriloquist.

But no man or witchcraft could hide the truth. The truth that spoke with the Queen's English; with syntax and inflection that would make the Bard himself jealous.

I looked around the theatre to see how others were handling this unfathomable occurrence, but their eyes were fixed on the screen, and their placid smiles spoke of nothing out of the ordinary.

How peculiar, I thought, for this crowd to take such an unbelievable phenomenon so easily. But all mysteries have answers, and the answer to this one came to me rather quickly. I must be the only one who could hear them.

I felt an overwhelming sense of importance and duty. Perhaps I am the only man in history with this gift. I had visions of bridging the gap between animal and man.

The hamsters told me many things that day, but sadly none of it worth repeating. They spoke the secrets of their people. Crude and degrading things. Fornication and eating children.

However, I did feel a union of minds with Agent Juarez, a seductive mistress of martial arts. Were she only human, and much older, and also a time traveler such as myself, I think I would have found my other half.

Alas, Arthur, alas.

4 out of 5 royal jewels

Welcoming Arthur Haypenny: Time Traveler, Blogger, Gentleman

Dear friends, please join me in welcoming to our century the esteemed Sir Arthur Haypenny III. He is a time traveler of no small renown, and is presently the only remaining subject of Her Majesty, the late Queen Victoria.

Sir Haypenny has traveled all the way from his native 19th century for no other reason than to assist me in reviewing movies (apparently he has traveled far into the future and discovered that this blog is somehow tied into our survival as a race, or something. It became increasingly difficult, past a certain point, to pay attention to his story).

In the short time he has been here, Arthur has already begun to assimilate to our futuristic way of life. He has taken residence on my couch, and has become quite familiar with the TV (he calls it the witch box), and ordering pizza on the telephone (he calls it the witch-talker). Other than screaming at the toaster, he’s a regular 21st century man... other than the fact he’s come from the past to save the future through a somewhat convoluted and questionable means.

Nevertheless, I'm certain that his 19th century commentary on the movies of today will provide us insight into our own lives, and blah blah blah.

Welcome Arthur.

Orphan

Orphan

Dir: Jaume Collet-Serra

Starring: Peter Sarsgaard, Isabelle Fuhrman

Runtime: 2 hrs 3 mins

Horror Movie Survival Tactics : Orphan

Sometimes all you need to do to survive is avoid making a monumentally stupid decision. For instance, in Orphan, right off the bat the parents make the critical mistake of adoption.

Never adopt anyone or anything. Nothing good can come of it. You can ask those little kids all the questions, run all the psychological tests on them, but at the end of the day, you don't know where they've been.

The lesson I'm trying to impart to you is: don't take shortcuts. Especially when it comes to making babies. At least when you make a baby from scratch, you know where that baby is every step of the way (except when you leave it in the car to buy groceries).

So you're set on adopting a child. Alright fine. At the very least, let's not adopt the creepiest looking kid in the entire orphanage. Avoid any children with extremely light or extremely dark features - for instance soul-penetrating blue eyes is a pass. The same goes for any child whose eyes are like staring into the cold, blackness of Death. Just go for someone in the middle, preferably with average to low intelligence.

Remember, you're looking for an average kid, who is not going to use its supernatural powers to open a gateway to Hell in your basement. Also, if the child has a British accent, skip it. Even if you're in the UK, you would do well to keep looking.

Finally, adopt a boy. I can't stress this enough. You're at least four times less likely to get a child born of Satan if its male. I'm not being sexist - I'm just telling you how it is.

Once you have the orphan living in your house, you must be wary of it at all times. Test your orphan to see if she has any uncanny abilities that portend witchery. When she's not looking at you, throw a stapler or something at her head. If she catches it at the last moment, there is a good chance she's got a demon or a ghost inside of her. If she just takes a hit with the stapler, it's a good sign to be sure, and you should apologize.

But at the same time, don't apologize too much. And don't let down your guard. She is probably just holding back her powers.

If you ever wake up to find her staring down at you, just reach out your arms and start strangling, and don't stop. Or at the very least, knock her unconscious, put her in the trunk of your car, and drive them both off a pier.

If for some incomprehensible reason you decide to allow the creepy staring to slide, be on your toes for anything. If she suddenly appears behind doors, or if you start hearing creepy music coming from nowhere, now is the time to run to the shed, grab the gasoline and the shotgun, and set your house on fire. Don't wait for something to actually happen. By that time, it will already be too late. Gasoline. House on fire. Now.

Stand at the front door with the shotgun, and shoot anything or anyone that comes out. This includes your "family." At this point there is at least a 60% chance that your family is under some sort of spell, or they are really actually her and she's a shapeshifter. And of course there is always a chance that they are zombies. Never discount the possibility of zombies.

After you watch the house burn to the ground, approach your car in a calm, controlled manner. Unload three or four rounds into the backseat. Don't even look in the backseat until you've done this. Then floor it. Drive until you find a junkyard with a car crusher. Leave your old car to be crushed, and get a new one. Keep driving until you've put at least a thousand miles between you and the ashes of your old life. At this time, you can start looking for a town where you can start over.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Starring: Daniel Radcliffe, Christoper Lee
Dir: David Yates
Runtime: 2 hrs 33 mins

The latest Harry Potter movie takes a darker than usual turn, when it is revealed that the ever-fluctuating position of Professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts has been filled this year by Satan (Christoper Lee), in what seems to be an exceptionally poor choice, even for for the Hogwarts adminstration.

Harry and his friends learn many new spells and rituals through the awesome power that Satan grants them. This is a marked difference from the books, wherein Satan plays a mere advisory role to the children, more of a father figure to the orphaned Harry.

Do yourself a favor and drop those extra three bucks for the 3D version. Seeing the snakes jump off the screen in the scene where the children sacrifice Hermione to their new teacher is really even better than the trailer makes it seem.

*SPOILER*

Religious parents, rest easy. Towards the end of the film, the Dark Lord Satan is revealed to be in cahoots with the Dark Lord Voldemort, who we all know is evil. In the end, Satan is killed by Harry. He is crucified upside down, and the children of Hogwarts drink his blood. Harry, mouth dripping with the blood of Lucifer, screams to the children: “Let this be a warning to all who betray me! I shall crucify you upside down and share your blood with my friends!”

It's refreshing when a children's movie is built upon a solid moral foundation. And this one is very clear: stay away from Satan, kids. Even though he'd give you awesome wizard powers, it's not worth it because he works for Voldemort and is evil.

5 out of 5 pentagrams.