Race to Witch Mountain

Race to Witch Mountain

Dir: Andy Fickman

Starring: Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, AnnaSophia "The Little Girl" Robb, Alexander Ludwig

Runtime: 1 hr 38 mins

This movie takes me back to when I rescued a couple of witch children. I found them on a particularly empty stretch of the I-10 in Arizona. I knew they must be witches, because who else but witches would be out in the middle of the desert at night, where the only thing for miles is the high-security juvenile detention facility? They weren't going to some fantastical mountain, like the witches in the movie. They just needed to get to Mexico as quick as possible.

They never confessed that they were witches to me, but I knew they were from the moment I saw them. You could tell because they wore these outlandish full body orange suits. And, just like the movie, the cops were after them. The police are always after witches, and that just isn't right. They weren't going to catch these witches on my watch.

On the road they asked me if I would buy them some beer. I asked them if beer rejuvenates their magical powers. They just stared at me and didn't answer. I felt stupid for not knowing. As I bought the beer, I made a mental note to look it up on Wikipedia later (I did; the results were inconclusive. Please comment if you have knowledge of the magic-restoring properties of beer).

When we got to Nogales, they told me this was far enough, thanks for helping us escape. I said it was no problem, it's not like I had anything better to do.

I watched them run off. I was hoping to catch a glimpse of their magic powers in action, but all they did was pull a knife on some old couple and steal their clothes.

4 out of 5 stars.