Snow White and the Huntsman

I packed up my backpack full of oreos, diet root beer, twixes, fun-size snickers, and some regular root beer and headed off to the local theatre to catch a matinee showing of Snow White and the Huntsman.

I was stoked. Any movie that promises dwarves or magical talking mirrors is sure to get my attention. And one that has both - well, that's just a no brainer must-see for this reviewer. Add in some treats, and it only gets better.

I remember fondly snacking upon three musketeers bars and watching Walt Disney's raunchy production of Snow White (it's the scenes they don't show).

I had to break into some of the twixes and snickers en route to the movie theatre. The heat from sitting in the back of my car, coupled with being inside the backpack, had transformed the bars of candy into a mushy, sugary paste.

I would tear the packets open and suck the chocolate out at stoplights. The chocolate would get on my fingers and around the corners of my mouth, and in my beard. I would try to lick it off as best as I could, but I'm only just a man.

Finally I arrived at the movie theatre. "One for Snow White please," I said, minding my own business.

The pudgy ticket seller gave me a once over that I didn't think of as very polite. But whatever, I got my ticket.

The ticket-ripper person, who was barely a teenager and apparently had some sort of sweat-gland disorder, pointed his soggy hand at my backpack and said, "Are you bringing in any outside snacks, sir?"

"So what if I am?" I replied.

"I'm sorry sir, but it's against our policy to allow any outside food or beverages."

"I've been bringing in my own food and beverages into this place since before you were born." But he was obstinate. So, left with a classic Sophie's Choice situation, I did what any reasonable person would do.

I opened my bag and ate all the rest of the mushy snickers and twixes, and then the oreos, and drank the diet root beers and then washed it all down with some regular root beer.

"You made me do this," I communicated to the ticket-ripper guy with my eyeballs. I was simply in no mood to speak to him.

I spent the better part of the movie in the bathroom, puking up all that candy and soda. The ending is pretty epic though. From what I could gather, it was very meaningful and full of importance that is built up throughout a sequence of events, presumably starting at or around the beginning of the movie.

Well done.

4 out of 5 stars.

The Quest for The Game of Thrones on VHS

Having heard much and more of the popular HBO series Game of Thrones, I decided it was time to journey to Blockbuster and acquire mine own VHS copy of the show. So I loaded up my VHS rack, five of my favorite dogs, and a Costco-sized box of Reese's peanut butter cups into my trusty Honda Accord.

The only Blockbuster still in business is way in the South part of town, so I was in for a long quest. If it wasn't for the sugary sustenance provided by the Reese's cups, the companionship provided by my dogs, and the listening pleasure of "The Lord of the Rings" (unabridged) on cassette tape, I could have very easily gone mad.

Although many long years had passed, Blockbuster was just the way I remembered it. The same off-white plaster, squarish building, with blocky Blockbuster lettering on the front, and the promise of a plethora of VHS tapes within.

"I come seeking the Game of Thrones," I told the young man at the counter. "On VHS. Please bring it to me forthwith."

The young man, who's naming plate said Scott, was a dubious knave, clearly of lowbirth. He squinted his vacant eyeballs and knitted his bushy, bear-like eyebrows and said, "I'm sorry, but we don't carry that on VHS."

"Do not play such games with me, boy," I warned him. "I see your Game of Thrones display right before my own eyes."

"Yeah... those are DVDs. I can rent you a DVD?"

"A DVD? Do you take me for a fool, boy?"

"Hi, I'm Adam, the manager," said a trollish-looking imp-man. He had long snaggly yellow-brown teeth, and two large, watery eyeballs that seemed way too large for his head. "Is there a problem here sir?"

"This guy wants to rent some VHS tapes," said Scott, the idiot.

"Okay. I understand. I am very sorry sir, but we no longer carry VHS tapes at this location," said the imp.

What game were they playing here? A video store without videos. A riddle worthy of my late tutor, Brometheus.

Clearly they were both liars. For some reason they didn't want to rent me the Game of Thrones, but why? What secrets were they trying to conceal?

But I was tired from my long journey. And I was starting to crash from the sugar from all the peanut butter cups I had eaten. And the sound of the dogs howling from the car reminded me that I hadn't fed them or given them water in a great while. I had no choice but to leave this cursed place.

"Psst." On my way out of the Blockbuster, I heard a strange sound. "Psst. Hey buddy. I heard you want a VHS."

There was a hairy, hunchbacked man standing half in the shadows. He was clad in stinking garments. He smelled like a rancid applecart full of old cheese and rotting apples.

"I got all kinds of VHS-es," he whispered breathily. He opened his cloak to reveal a hidden collection of VHS tapes, more than one could count.

"Do you have Game of Thrones?" I asked.

"I have Game of Throats," he replied. "It's basically the same thing."

"Fine, I'll take it." I gave him five dollars.

After watching Game of Throats several times, I have come to the conclusion that the production values are poor, and the script is pretty weak for an HBO series. But despite all that, it is just as captivating as everyone says.

4 out of 5 stars.

The Artist

I originally wasn't going to go see this movie, because I don't like movies that come from other countries (I have a lot of reasons for this, and I won't get into them here).

I saw The Artist because my friend Gus liked it, and he and I usually enjoy the same movies. (We both saw Battleship together on opening night, and agreed it was the best movie of the year, possibly of all time).

I saw The Artist at the Crossroads in Tucson. For those of you who don't know about Crossroads, it's a cheap theatre, and the things there don't always work so well. The sound was broken, so you couldn't hear the voices. Weird thing was that the music seemed to be working okay.

The picture was really washed out too. I mean, pretty much to the point where it was black and white.

Surprisingly, the movie seemed to work okay without all those things. Still thought Battleship was better though, but that's just a given.

If anyone from Crossroads is reading this, you guys really need to get your act together.

Dark Shadows (with Johnny Depp)

I liked this a lot because I really like Johnny Depp. If they just made a movie where it was nothing but Johnny Depp talking to other Johnny Depps (he could play all of them through editing technology) then that would probably be my favorite movie, behind "Pirates of the Caribbean 2". If anyone wants to use my idea for a screenplay, please go for it, just make sure to credit me if it gets made.

At one point, Johnny Deep comes back to life and says "It was like a crypt down there," in his trademark Johnny Depp style. I was laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my face and I started choking on my popcorn. Nobody came to help me because I think they thought I was only laughing, and they didn't know I was also choking at the same time. I eventually coughed up the kernel that was stuck, but it was pretty scary for a while.

Johnny Depp's name is a little confusing to me. I really want his last name to be "Deep," because that just looks right. Depp looks like a typo. If you're reading this Johnny Depp, do you think your last name looks weird too? If it seems normal, then does the word "deep" seem weird, like it should be depp instead? Please let me know. Also, great job with all your movies!

4 out 5 stars (5 stars if they had more Johnny Deep)

Battleship

Battleship

Saw this one on opening night with my friend Gus. We're pretty hardcore Battleship: the Game fans – we average about four or five sessions a week. Gus wins most of the time, but that's because he moves his ships around when I go to the bathroom, which I do like five times per game (I have a small bladder, and I drink A LOT of coffee), but whenever I call him out on it, he always denies it, which is bullshit cause one time I caught him on tape! (He claims he knew I was videotaping him, and was just trying to mess with me, but I think he's lying).

While the movie was really different from the boardgame (don't expect any white or red pegs in the movie version), I still thought it was pretty good. In fact, I hope they release a new Battleship: the Movie: the Game, that includes the aliens.

Here's an idea for an updated version of the game: One time per game, each player can use an alien ship. It comes up from under the water, just like in the movie (they could make some sort of little motor mechanism that brings up the alien ships from under the board). The alien ship should be able to shoot nerf bullets or something.

Also, you should make it so that players can't move their ships once they've been put down. Like maybe they can deliver an electrical shock (doesn't have to be too strong), to deter them from moving the ships, cause it's cheating, and it ruins the game! Are you listening Gus?

The Avengers

The Avengers

All of America's favorite superheroes join together to fight the forces of evil! It can be really confusing to people who don't know about superheroes, so let me refresh your memory about this stellar cast.

Captain America, a brilliant politician who can elect anyone to any office with his democracy powers.

The Hulk, a shapeshifter of sorts. He can imitate all the other superheroes, sort of like in “Talented Mr. Ripley,” or Mystique from X-Men. It sometimes gets really confusing in this movie trying to tell who is or isn't The Hulk. I had to keep asking the guy next to me, but he didn't know either. Or else he just didn't want to tell me.

Scarlett Johansson, with the powers of magic. Imagine Gandalf, but without a beard, and twice as powerful.

Ironman, using his powers over iron to put his enemies in chains. Pretty much Magneto from X-Men, but without a beard, and twice as powerful.

Batman, a hero who can presumably talk to bats (although this is often debated by hardcore fans).

Samuel L. Jackson, telepathy and telekinetic stuff. He can fly, but only when nobody is looking at him.

4 out of 5 stars.

Box Office Round Up

Guy Who Reviews Movies PRESENTS:

Box Office Round-up (yeee- haw!)

You guys know me. I calls it like I sees it.

It's time to put the top movies at the box office in the hot seat. Or five seats. Hollywood Fat Cats, run for cover, because I'm firing with both barrels of my pen... er, keyboard.

1. The Lion King

A brand new movie by Disney, and yet it seems vaguely familiar? Hmm... Talking animals, where have I seen that before? Oh wait, I know! DreamWork's “Over the Hedge”, anybody? I hope Disney has a good legal team. I foresee legal battles in the future.

Verdict: Whatever happened to original ideas?

2. Moneyball

A computer that can determine the optimal baseball players? What's next? A computer that can talk? A computer that can do my taxes? I've got an idea: how about a computer that can give me the last two hours of my life back? Get real, Hollywood.

Verdict: Don't watch it, unless you enjoy absurd premises.

3. Dolphin Tale

If you noticed that “Dolphin Tale” also works as a pun on the word “tail”, without anyone explaining it to you, then you might be smart enough to see this. Be ready to think. The plot gets pretty confusing.

Verdict: One for the intelligentsia, and few else.

4. Abduction

My dad once told me that I wasn't really his son when we were out fishing. I spent a full weekend looking for my “real” dad, until my dad admitted that he was just joking around before, and that he really was my dad. We laughed and laughed about it. My dad was laughing so hard that he started crying. Then he went out to go buy some cigarettes. I guess he got lost somewhere on the way, because he's been gone for twelve years. When he does come back, we're going to go see this movie together, and laugh some more.

Verdict: If you can read this Dad, we're still living at the same house.

5. Contagion

Everyone gets so uptight about quarantines! I've been quarantined once or twice, and let me tell you: it's no big deal. My mom locked me in the closet with our pet cocker spaniel while she had a dinner party, so I wouldn't infect the guests. I guess I must have pretty sick. She brought me some leftovers afterwards, but the dog got to most of it before I could.

Verdict: Mom's dinner parties kind of sucked.