Snow White and the Huntsman

I packed up my backpack full of oreos, diet root beer, twixes, fun-size snickers, and some regular root beer and headed off to the local theatre to catch a matinee showing of Snow White and the Huntsman.

I was stoked. Any movie that promises dwarves or magical talking mirrors is sure to get my attention. And one that has both - well, that's just a no brainer must-see for this reviewer. Add in some treats, and it only gets better.

I remember fondly snacking upon three musketeers bars and watching Walt Disney's raunchy production of Snow White (it's the scenes they don't show).

I had to break into some of the twixes and snickers en route to the movie theatre. The heat from sitting in the back of my car, coupled with being inside the backpack, had transformed the bars of candy into a mushy, sugary paste.

I would tear the packets open and suck the chocolate out at stoplights. The chocolate would get on my fingers and around the corners of my mouth, and in my beard. I would try to lick it off as best as I could, but I'm only just a man.

Finally I arrived at the movie theatre. "One for Snow White please," I said, minding my own business.

The pudgy ticket seller gave me a once over that I didn't think of as very polite. But whatever, I got my ticket.

The ticket-ripper person, who was barely a teenager and apparently had some sort of sweat-gland disorder, pointed his soggy hand at my backpack and said, "Are you bringing in any outside snacks, sir?"

"So what if I am?" I replied.

"I'm sorry sir, but it's against our policy to allow any outside food or beverages."

"I've been bringing in my own food and beverages into this place since before you were born." But he was obstinate. So, left with a classic Sophie's Choice situation, I did what any reasonable person would do.

I opened my bag and ate all the rest of the mushy snickers and twixes, and then the oreos, and drank the diet root beers and then washed it all down with some regular root beer.

"You made me do this," I communicated to the ticket-ripper guy with my eyeballs. I was simply in no mood to speak to him.

I spent the better part of the movie in the bathroom, puking up all that candy and soda. The ending is pretty epic though. From what I could gather, it was very meaningful and full of importance that is built up throughout a sequence of events, presumably starting at or around the beginning of the movie.

Well done.

4 out of 5 stars.