Oscar Night

Good evening ladies and gents. I want to share with you a magical night that begins with me dressing up as Jeff Bridges' wife, and ends with me doing... unspeakable things with Mr. Bridges. And in between – me, live at the Oscars!

What surprised me the most, besides how short everyone was in person, was the sheer number of awards. Most of the awards don't even make it to TV, nor does anyone report on them, or even mention them once the Oscars are over.

So here they are – a Guy Who Reviews Movies exclusive – the previously unreported Oscar Awards of 2009:

Best “9” Movie Award
This award recognizes the best movie with “9” in its title. This year there were three freaking nominations. WTF?
Nominees:
Nine
9
District 9
Winner: 9

Best “Up” Movie Award
Nominees:
Up in the Air
Up
Winner: Tie – they were both really good movies.

Best “The Matrix” Award
This award honors the best “The Matrix” movie of 2009. This prestigious award has recently replaced the Best “Fight Club” Movie Award.
Nominees:
Surrogates
Gamer
Avatar
Winner: Avatar

I feel it's important to note that by this point in the night, Oscar host Alec Baldwin had consumed a lot of gin martinis. Whenever someone was giving his or her acceptance speech, he would turn his back to the audience and finish off his drink.

I don't even know if these were real awards. He had an envelope, but I'm pretty he was just pulling a cocktail napkin out of it, and pretending to read off of it. But for some reason, everyone was cool with it. Not only that, but everyone really wanted to win these awards.

Best Clooney Award
Nominees:
Up in the Air
Fantastic Mr. Fox
Etc, etc. like 50 other movies.
Winner: Who the fuck cares?

Best Movie I Didn't See Award
Nominees:
The Hurt Locker
Push
Crazy Heart
Winner: probably The Hurt Locker

Most Fuckable CGI Award
This award is given to the movie whose computer-generated imagery is deemed most fuckable.
Nominees:
Fantastic Mr. Fox – various animals
Up – the old dude's wife in between (and not including) when she was a little kid and an old lady
Avatar – the blue people.
Winner: Avatar – the blue people.

Best Quote that I kind of Remember
Nominees:
“Everything has a place in nature, and spirits, and blah blah blah.” - Avatar
“I fucking love firing people! And airplanes and shit!” - Up in the Air
“Fuck! My fucking house is fucking – holy fuck!” - Up

Winner: “I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me. Papa – paparazzi...” - Paparazzi (Lady Gaga)

Baldwin got halfway through singing Paparazzi before he stumbled and fell into the orchestra pit. He was okay, but he sent the three flautists he fell on to the hospital. Everyone kind of just wandered away after that. It seemed as good a time as any to end the Academy Awards and call it a night.

From Paris with Love

From Paris with Love will “assassinate” it's way into your heart with it's charming lead actors and clever writing.

Tex Shooter (John Travolta) is the best assassin in the entire world. He's so good at what he does, he gets bored assassinating people the old fashioned way, so he gets creative, killing one ambassador with a sharpened fruit, and another a witty anecdote that is so funny that the ambassador dies from laughter.

Alex Ignachuck (James Earl Jones [uncredited]), president of the Society of Assassins, resents Shooter for his unorthodox assassination techniques. To teach Shooter a lesson, he teams him up with newbie James Reece (Jonathan Rhys Meyers).

“Shooter don't need no partner. Shooter works alone,” says Shooter.

“Work with this guy, or I'll have your badge. Your assassins badge, that is. It's like a police badge, but for assassins, and you're not allowed to assassinate people without it,” explains Ignachuck.

“Yeah, I know what it is,” says Shooter. “I have been working here for seventeen years, after all. Ever since my wife died.”

“Give it up Shooter. You'll never find out who assassinated your wife,” says Ignachuck.

“Why did you just say she was assassinated? She died in a car accident.”

“That was just a mistake. I meant to say car accident, of course.”

Shooter meets with his partner, and they go to Paris. His partner is book-smart, but Shooter shows him that sometimes you don't win if you play life by the rules. And James shows Shooter that sometimes it's better to play by the rules.

Together they complete their mission: assassinating everyone in Paris. In the process, Shooter discovers that his wife was actually assassinated, and the culprit was none other than Ignachuck! Shooter seeks his revenge, which concludes with a battle-to-the-death with rakes and garden hoses that can only be described as “majestic.”

“Ironic that I'm assassinating you, isn't it Ignachuck?” says Shooter.

“Uhhhhrrkk!” says Ignachuck.

“Say hi to my dead wife for me!”

4 out of 5 stars.

When in Rome

I'm surprised that Kristen Bell was cast as the lead in a romantic comedy after the heartless way she treated Jason Segel's character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. And before you all start coming out of the woodwork to attack me as if I were some cornered zebra, yes, I know she was just acting. I get that.

But that doesn't change the fact Segel loved her without question, and like some bloodthirsty zebra, she tore his heart out.

I took drama class in high school. I think I know what “acting” is, okay? She was acting. He was acting. Everyone was acting. Are you happy?

Still though, you have to be one cold bitch to cheat on your boyfriend of five years with that sleazy European guy.

Again with the acting! Is that all you people think about? Does that excuse someone's behavior? Oh, I killed my wife. But guess what, I was acting!

No. You get a grip on reality.

4 out of 5 stars.

The Tooth Fairy

In the arena of movies based on supernatural childhood icons, there were only two titles that I would consider “unforgettable:” Tim Allen's stern and unforgiving interpretation of Santa in The Santa Clause and Chloe Sevigny's unforgettable portrayal of the Easter Bunny in The Brown Bunny. I can finally add a third title to my list, as Dwayne “Alcatraz” Johnson's moving performance in The Tooth Fairy will certainly be the talk of the town for months to come.

For those unfamiliar with Tooth Fairy lore, I will briefly summarize it here.

In some families, parents tell their children to save any tooth that falls out of their mouths, and hide it under their pillow. The Tooth Fairy will visit the lucky child while they are asleep, recover the tooth, and place a monetary reward in return.

This incentive, as you might imagine, causes many children to “expedite” the natural tooth-losing process. They will give extra attention to loose teeth, and even agitate non-loose teeth until they are ready to fall out. Many children have also been known to create fake teeth. The market for fakies or white wickers as they are commonly referred to, has been steadily growing for many years. Common techniques include painting a dried kernel of corn, or using a small piece of chalk.

In response, Tooth Fairies have become increasingly more skilled at spotting fake teeth, and punish the offending children by giving them small bites on the neck (while known humorously as “fairy hickies,” they are actually quite serious, as many Tooth Fairies have Hepatitis B and rabies). While this has certainly damaged the fake tooth market, it has had the unintended consequence of giving rise to an even more disturbing practice known as “substutition.” This is where a group of children will capture a physically weak child, and proceed to remove his or her teeth by any means they can. Usually performed during a recess at school, the group is forced to act quickly, which often results in their methods being exceptionally brutal.

Some facts about Tooth Fairies:

1. They are magic, winged creatures that collect children's teeth.

2. While the Catholic Church believes them to be fallen angels, there is no hard evidence that Tooth Fairies align themselves with either God or Lucifer. They are mostly likely free agents.

3. No one knows why Tooth Fairies collect teeth, although there has been much speculation over the years. Albert Einstein once went on record that the teeth were most likely being used to create a “giant and totally gross birthday cake for the United States' three hundredth birthday.” Einstein, however, retracted his own statement the very next day, saying that he was very drunk when he made it.

4. Tooth Fairies will only visit you if you let your parents know that you lost a tooth. This is because your parents have a special radio they use to contact the Tooth Fairy Base. No, you can't see the radio or else the Tooth Fairy won't come at all. Would that make you happy?

4 out of 5 stars.