Sunday, February 1, 2009

He's Just Not That Into You

He's Just Not That Into You

Dir: Ken Kwapis
Starring: Drew Barrymore, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Aniston
Runtime: 2 hrs 9 mins

We all know that if a gentleman caller is “into you” he will make a business deal with your father, and acquire some land or some fat goats in exchange for the burden of taking care of you. If he’s not into you, he’ll probably burn down your farm and steal the goats. Either way, he’s getting some goats out of this.

Although He's Just not that into You felt somewhat contrived, (mainly because people were getting together without any sort of goat-related transactions. Are we just to assume that these transactions are being negotiated off screen?) the book that this movie was based on has a lot to offer in terms of tried and true relationship advice. I offer some of my favorite passages here:

“Men love it when you show you are committed. If he's not returning your calls, it's probably because you haven't called him enough times in a short enough span of time. Call him again, and if doesn't answer, immediately hang up and call again. If you manage to call him more than 60 times in one hour, he'll be very impressed, because that's more than one call per minute!”

“Pretend that you are pregnant. This will bring you closer together, and give you something to talk about during those painfully silent breakfasts. When he realizes you aren't really pregnant, just stuff a pillow under your shirt, and say 'Yes I am; just look how fat I am with this baby!' If done correctly, you can keep this going for at least a couple of years.”

“Men: Women love spontaneity. Tell her to dress up real nice because you're taking her out to the fanciest place in town. On the way there, say you changed your mind, and you have a better place to go to. Go to a McDonalds, and take off your fancy clothes in the car (make sure you wear a set of normal clothes underneath). She'll be the fanciest person at McDonalds! While you're eating your Big Macs, make sure to tell her how nice she looks. Women love to be complimented on how nice they look.”

“For guys or gals: Slowly (and subtly) chip away at your Significant Other's self esteem. A good way of doing this is by sending him/her anonymous letters in the mail that say mean things about the way they look, and/or their hygiene. The best part about being close to them is that you can figure out what they're most sensitive about, and really focus in on that in the letter. Make sure you don't put a return address, or sign it, or else they might figure out it's you. Also, practice acting surprised when they get the letter to divert suspicion. Say something like 'They do have a point,' about the letter (always make sure you pretend to read the letter first before you comment about it).

The less confident they feel about themselves, the more they will feel like you are their only option.”

“Finally, proper goat management is the key to any successful relationship. The fatter the goats, the better. If you don't have goats to trade, you've got a relationship headed nowhere.”

That last part about the goats wasn't really in the book, but I added it because it needed to be said.

3 out of 5 stars.


maddogmama said...

Where can I buy some goats?????????

Augie Hoffman said...

you also forgot about playing the kazoo to MTV...

Abhi said...

I've learned so much from this blog. You are doing a great service to society Tom. I wonder where I can take goat management classes around here.

Anonymous said...

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Joan Stepsen
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