Saturday, December 13, 2008

My Name is Bruce

My Name is Bruce

Dir: Bruce Campbell

Starring: Bruce Campbell, DMV lady

Runtime: 1 hr 26 mins

When you've been famous on the Internet for over a week, as I have, you run the risk of getting recognized in public. To escape this fate, I employ little tricks to slip under the radar. Tricks such as: not putting a picture of myself on my website, paying for everything with cash, avoiding jury duty, and stealing cookware from Sears when I ran out of cash last weekend.

Alas, I was still recognized.

I was at the Department of Motor Vehicles, where I go every six months to update the photograph on my driver's license. I had an arrangement with the lady behind the counter that when my license was ready, instead of calling my name, she would call once like a Wood Owl and thrice like a Sagehen, and then wink across the room at me. Yet, when it was time, she bellowed “Tom Thayer,” loud and clear as day.

She was probably taking revenge on me for calling her chunky.

I accepted my license, and as I turned to leave the DMV, my path to freedom was blocked by a chunky man with black hair. The man inquired about my name, and about the website.

“Actually,” I told him, “It's pronounced 'Guy Who Reviews Movies.' And yes, that's me.”

“Wow, this is incredible. Everyone in the industry loves you.”

“And what industry would that be?” I silently prayed for garment industry.

“Uhh... film.”

Damn. Maybe next time.

I don't like wasting time, especially if the chances that our interaction will yield insider deals on garments are slim to none. I made up an excuse to leave.

“I have to leave because... I need to get... a new... hamburger?”

I'm not very good at making up excuses.

“Wait. My name is Bruce Campbell.” He paused, as if he expected me to recognize his name. Maybe we had met at a party. I talk to a lot of people at parties, mostly to solicit loans. I find that people are more willing to give you loans at a party. Maybe he was coming to collect on a loan.

“I'm sorry, I don't have money...”

Once again, he appeared confused. “I'm an actor and director.”

“Uh huh.”

“I'd love it for you to see an advance screening of my new movie, My Name is Bruce.”

I quickly agreed, desperate to get out of there, as I suddenly found myself craving hamburgers. I regretted my decision later that week, when I found myself sitting in the theatre, wondering what kind of megalomaniac names a movie after himself.

My Name is Bruce is the story of a sad, black-haired, chunky man, and his dark-haired chunky friends, and their misadventures in the modern world. That lady from the DMV was also in it, as one of the chunky friends. In fact, I think the entire movie was actually shot at the DMV. The production value was practically non-existent. The plot was mediocre and not very funny. And although it was presented as a true story, it was very hard to believe.

1½ stars out of 5

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