Four Christmases

Four Christmases (PG-13)

Dir: Seth Gordon

Starring: Vince Vaughn, Reese Witherspoon

Runtime: 1 hr 22 mins

I had no idea what to expect when I went to see Four Chistmases. I had never heard of it before the day I saw it. To be honest, I actually thought I was going to see Transporter 3. That's what I (thought I) bought tickets for.

Why did I stay and watch a movie other than the one I was intending on seeing? Well, for the first forty minutes or so, I thought I was watching Transporter. Then I thought to myself, this setup is going on way too long. Why was Jason Statham buying a Christmas tree? Then I realized, it wasn't Jason Statham at all. Who were these strange people on the screen? And... what were they saying? Their language sounded like English to me, but for some reason I couldn't make sense of the words.

A feeling of overwhelming panic and dread began to rise, like a loaf of bread, in the pit of my stomach. I looked around, to see if other members of the audience were having a similar incomprehensible, disorienting experience. If they were, they gave no outward signs of it. They all stared, transfixed, at the screen. Looks ranging between mild amusement and mild boredom across their ugly, complacent faces.

I tapped the person next to me, and asked if he knew what was happening. He turned and responded in that same, distinctly familiar nonsense-language they were using in the movie. My neighbors' face was contorted, as if trying to communicate some non-verbal message to me, as the normal avenues of communication had failed. Others were looking too, I realized. The feeling of dread, temporarily forgotten, now returned tenfold.

I had to get out of there. Now.

But how?

I'll do it the normal way. I'll just get up from my chair, and run to the exit. However, my legs gave out beneath me, like two useless loaves of bread. I collapsed. There was talking, either from the movie or from the audience, I could no longer distinguish the difference. And of course I didn't know what they were saying, but I knew it was about me. On the filthy floor of the theatre, I pulled and slithered my way to the exit.

4 out of 5 stars.