Box Office Round Up

Guy Who Reviews Movies PRESENTS:

Box Office Round-up (yeee- haw!)

You guys know me. I calls it like I sees it.

It's time to put the top movies at the box office in the hot seat. Or five seats. Hollywood Fat Cats, run for cover, because I'm firing with both barrels of my pen... er, keyboard.

1. The Lion King

A brand new movie by Disney, and yet it seems vaguely familiar? Hmm... Talking animals, where have I seen that before? Oh wait, I know! DreamWork's “Over the Hedge”, anybody? I hope Disney has a good legal team. I foresee legal battles in the future.

Verdict: Whatever happened to original ideas?

2. Moneyball

A computer that can determine the optimal baseball players? What's next? A computer that can talk? A computer that can do my taxes? I've got an idea: how about a computer that can give me the last two hours of my life back? Get real, Hollywood.

Verdict: Don't watch it, unless you enjoy absurd premises.

3. Dolphin Tale

If you noticed that “Dolphin Tale” also works as a pun on the word “tail”, without anyone explaining it to you, then you might be smart enough to see this. Be ready to think. The plot gets pretty confusing.

Verdict: One for the intelligentsia, and few else.

4. Abduction

My dad once told me that I wasn't really his son when we were out fishing. I spent a full weekend looking for my “real” dad, until my dad admitted that he was just joking around before, and that he really was my dad. We laughed and laughed about it. My dad was laughing so hard that he started crying. Then he went out to go buy some cigarettes. I guess he got lost somewhere on the way, because he's been gone for twelve years. When he does come back, we're going to go see this movie together, and laugh some more.

Verdict: If you can read this Dad, we're still living at the same house.

5. Contagion

Everyone gets so uptight about quarantines! I've been quarantined once or twice, and let me tell you: it's no big deal. My mom locked me in the closet with our pet cocker spaniel while she had a dinner party, so I wouldn't infect the guests. I guess I must have pretty sick. She brought me some leftovers afterwards, but the dog got to most of it before I could.

Verdict: Mom's dinner parties kind of sucked.

Mr Popper's Penguins

Mr. Popper's Penguins

Director: Henry Miller

Length: 2 hrs 5 mins

In this dark family comedy, Jim Carrey is Mr. Popper, a driven businessman who is clueless when it comes to the important things in life - until he inherits six penguins through a pact he makes with Satan. Popper's penguins turn his swank New York apartment into a snowy winter wonderland of carnage and destruction - and the rest of his life upside-down. Filmed in a refrigerated slaughterhouse with real Emperor Penguins, Mr. Popper's Penguins is Henry Miller's contemporary adaptation of the classic book.

Imagination knows no limitations in Mr. Popper's Penguins, much like Mr. Popper and his penguins' lust for blood.

At first glance, the penguins are merely hell-slaves, bound to carry out Popper's will as per the demonic contract. But this master-slave relationship becomes distorted piece by piece as Popper's insanity builds. It is clear that he wishes to be rid of the penguins, but doesn't know how. This is most clear when the penguins follow him to his girlfriend's apartment unbeknownst to him. As the penguins rip apart both his girlfriend and the friend whom he suspects she is having an affair with, Popper tries to pull them off. But their sharp little beaks are too quick, and their taste for blood too strong.

There will be arguments as to whether the penguins themselves are real, or merely a part of Popper's psychosis. While both sides can offer valid points, when Pippi poops on the businessman, he clearly reacts to the poop. Why would he do this if the penguins were only inside of Popper's imagination? It is of this critic's opinion that the penguins were always intended to be real.

4 out of 5 stars.

Green Lantern

I had a really fun time seeing Green Lantern with you, kiddo.

Son, I don't know how to tell you this, so I'll just say it. Your dad's a superhero, like from the movie.

I bet you're pretty surprised right now. I bet you have a whole lot of questions, like where's your costume? Are Mommy and Daddy still getting a divorce? What are your superpowers?

Well, I'm wearing my costume. Yes, we're still getting divorced. And my superpower is... it's not important right now what it is. The important part is that you believe Daddy. You do believe me, right?

I have something else I need to tell you. It's about Mommy. Mommy isn't who she pretends to be.

Well, yes, she is your mom. That part is true. I suppose.

Alright, I didn't want to tell you this on your birthday, but Mommy is a supervillain.

Wait, no, stop crying. I'm... that was a test. And you passed! Mommy's not a supervillain. She's just a person.

But I really am a superhero. That's the important thing you should take away from this.

Why?

Well, because tomorrow the old Elmer Fudd man is going to decide whether you should live with your boring, old, normal Mommy or with your superhero Dad, and it's important that you tell him who you'd rather live with, and why. I just want you to make a well-informed decision. That's why I'm telling you now.

It's also very important that when he asks you why, you don't say that it's because Daddy told you he's a superhero. Daddy needs to keep his identity secret, especially from the Elmer Fudd man. Don't tell anyone, but I suspect he's a supervillain.

I'm sorry. Please don't cry. It's okay. He's not a supervillain either. He's just a judge. He and Mommy like to judge Daddy. They think that Daddy's a pathological liar.

What's a pathological liar? Well, I guess it's kind of like a superpower.

Anyway. Tomorrow's the big day, kiddo.

What's that? You said you want to live with Mommy? She said she's going to buy you a puppy?

What? No, no. Daddy's fine. There was an evil bug on the wall that needed to be punched.

X-Men: First Class

Dear Mr. Thayer,

I have reviewed your most recent application to the Charles Xavier School for Gifted Youngsters. It is with a heavy heart that I inform you once again we do not have any openings for you this coming fall.

As a telepath, I know that you are preparing to apply again in the spring and the subsequent fall. Please save yourself the effort.

Your essay, "Wolverine Ain't Shit," even excusing the grammatical errors and what I can only describe as 1800s "pirate slang," was in extremely poor taste, even more so because there is no essay portion on the entrance application.

In fact, there isn't an entrance application at all, which is a fact that has still managed to elude you in these last seven years of our correspondence.

The process is really quite simple: if you're a mutant, I come to your home and ask you if you want to come to my mutant school. If you're not a mutant, you're shit out of luck, I'm afraid.

Your documented "abilities" are a few shades less than what we'd consider mutant powers here at CXSGY. I'm afraid that your "power" to ejaculate in under a minute, while certainly impressive in it's own way, is not a mutation.

And while I'm not a medical doctor, I would recommend that you see one judging by the most recent photograph you sent of your "ever-expanding back rash" power, which I have had the unfortunate privilege of watching develop over your last four letters.

If you must apply next semester, please consider Hogwart's instead.

Best Wishes,

Dr. Charles Xavier

Charles Xavier School for Gifted Youngsters

Oscar Night

Good evening ladies and gents. I want to share with you a magical night that begins with me dressing up as Jeff Bridges' wife, and ends with me doing... unspeakable things with Mr. Bridges. And in between – me, live at the Oscars!

What surprised me the most, besides how short everyone was in person, was the sheer number of awards. Most of the awards don't even make it to TV, nor does anyone report on them, or even mention them once the Oscars are over.

So here they are – a Guy Who Reviews Movies exclusive – the previously unreported Oscar Awards of 2009:

Best “9” Movie Award
This award recognizes the best movie with “9” in its title. This year there were three freaking nominations. WTF?
Nominees:
Nine
9
District 9
Winner: 9

Best “Up” Movie Award
Nominees:
Up in the Air
Up
Winner: Tie – they were both really good movies.

Best “The Matrix” Award
This award honors the best “The Matrix” movie of 2009. This prestigious award has recently replaced the Best “Fight Club” Movie Award.
Nominees:
Surrogates
Gamer
Avatar
Winner: Avatar

I feel it's important to note that by this point in the night, Oscar host Alec Baldwin had consumed a lot of gin martinis. Whenever someone was giving his or her acceptance speech, he would turn his back to the audience and finish off his drink.

I don't even know if these were real awards. He had an envelope, but I'm pretty he was just pulling a cocktail napkin out of it, and pretending to read off of it. But for some reason, everyone was cool with it. Not only that, but everyone really wanted to win these awards.

Best Clooney Award
Nominees:
Up in the Air
Fantastic Mr. Fox
Etc, etc. like 50 other movies.
Winner: Who the fuck cares?

Best Movie I Didn't See Award
Nominees:
The Hurt Locker
Push
Crazy Heart
Winner: probably The Hurt Locker

Most Fuckable CGI Award
This award is given to the movie whose computer-generated imagery is deemed most fuckable.
Nominees:
Fantastic Mr. Fox – various animals
Up – the old dude's wife in between (and not including) when she was a little kid and an old lady
Avatar – the blue people.
Winner: Avatar – the blue people.

Best Quote that I kind of Remember
Nominees:
“Everything has a place in nature, and spirits, and blah blah blah.” - Avatar
“I fucking love firing people! And airplanes and shit!” - Up in the Air
“Fuck! My fucking house is fucking – holy fuck!” - Up

Winner: “I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me. Papa – paparazzi...” - Paparazzi (Lady Gaga)

Baldwin got halfway through singing Paparazzi before he stumbled and fell into the orchestra pit. He was okay, but he sent the three flautists he fell on to the hospital. Everyone kind of just wandered away after that. It seemed as good a time as any to end the Academy Awards and call it a night.

From Paris with Love

From Paris with Love will “assassinate” it's way into your heart with it's charming lead actors and clever writing.

Tex Shooter (John Travolta) is the best assassin in the entire world. He's so good at what he does, he gets bored assassinating people the old fashioned way, so he gets creative, killing one ambassador with a sharpened fruit, and another a witty anecdote that is so funny that the ambassador dies from laughter.

Alex Ignachuck (James Earl Jones [uncredited]), president of the Society of Assassins, resents Shooter for his unorthodox assassination techniques. To teach Shooter a lesson, he teams him up with newbie James Reece (Jonathan Rhys Meyers).

“Shooter don't need no partner. Shooter works alone,” says Shooter.

“Work with this guy, or I'll have your badge. Your assassins badge, that is. It's like a police badge, but for assassins, and you're not allowed to assassinate people without it,” explains Ignachuck.

“Yeah, I know what it is,” says Shooter. “I have been working here for seventeen years, after all. Ever since my wife died.”

“Give it up Shooter. You'll never find out who assassinated your wife,” says Ignachuck.

“Why did you just say she was assassinated? She died in a car accident.”

“That was just a mistake. I meant to say car accident, of course.”

Shooter meets with his partner, and they go to Paris. His partner is book-smart, but Shooter shows him that sometimes you don't win if you play life by the rules. And James shows Shooter that sometimes it's better to play by the rules.

Together they complete their mission: assassinating everyone in Paris. In the process, Shooter discovers that his wife was actually assassinated, and the culprit was none other than Ignachuck! Shooter seeks his revenge, which concludes with a battle-to-the-death with rakes and garden hoses that can only be described as “majestic.”

“Ironic that I'm assassinating you, isn't it Ignachuck?” says Shooter.

“Uhhhhrrkk!” says Ignachuck.

“Say hi to my dead wife for me!”

4 out of 5 stars.

When in Rome

I'm surprised that Kristen Bell was cast as the lead in a romantic comedy after the heartless way she treated Jason Segel's character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. And before you all start coming out of the woodwork to attack me as if I were some cornered zebra, yes, I know she was just acting. I get that.

But that doesn't change the fact Segel loved her without question, and like some bloodthirsty zebra, she tore his heart out.

I took drama class in high school. I think I know what “acting” is, okay? She was acting. He was acting. Everyone was acting. Are you happy?

Still though, you have to be one cold bitch to cheat on your boyfriend of five years with that sleazy European guy.

Again with the acting! Is that all you people think about? Does that excuse someone's behavior? Oh, I killed my wife. But guess what, I was acting!

No. You get a grip on reality.

4 out of 5 stars.