Friday the 13th

Friday the 13th

Dir: Marcus Nispel

Starring: Derek Mears, Robin Williams

Runtime: 1 hr 37 mins

Another group of attractive, debaucherous, semi-likable young adults. Another massacre at the hands of masked villain, Jason Voorhees (Channel 101 star, Derek Mears). But this time Jason is depressed. Massacres have lost that massacre-y luster they once held. A single tear rolls down his hockey mask.

The blood is barely dry when a station wagon pulls up. It's none other than Dr. Richard Vanderstein (Robin Williams) and his family. Vanderstein is an eccentric, unorthodox psychiatrist from LA, but for the next week, he's just a family man on vacation with his wife Krystal (Charlize Theron), and their son and daughter.

Mostly out of habit, Jason goes to kill them in their sleep. He hovers over the bed, about to kill Theron, but something just isn't right.

“Can't do it can you?” Robin Williams says. He's sitting in the corner of the room, puffing his trademark corncob pipe. “Don't feel bad. I've tried to do it myself a few times.” Jason just stares.

“Not much of a talker, are you?” says Williams. “That's okay. Listen Jason. I'm a psychiatrist, and I want to help you. There's so much in life. You can't let it pass you by.”

Skip to a later scene: Robin Williams and Jason are sunbathing in the nude (except for the hockey mask of course). “Anyone can kill someone, Jason,” says Williams, “God knows I have. And God knows I'll do it again too. But it's moments like these. Just two guys in the middle of the wilderness. That's what makes life worth living.”

The rest of the movie is about uncovering the layered onion that is Jason Voorhees. He was drowned as a child, and that's bound to create some psychological issues down the road. If only Jason can just learn to let his past go, and learn to love.

Oh, and apparently Jason is also a genius at math somehow. He can multiply huge numbers in his brain, and so towards the end of the movie he gets a job as a professor at MIT. We flash forward five years, and he's winning this prestigious math award. And they ask him, “Is there anyone you want to thank for your success?” And Robin Williams leans forward in his chair, anticipating the praise he rightly deserves. “No,” says Jason, “It was all me.”

Robin Williams thinks he was betrayed, but it turns out that it wasn't really Jason up there, but a malfunctioning android that Jason built to accept the award on his behalf. The real Jason swoops down from the rafters, where he was controlling the robot until it went haywire, and then he and the robot fight it out right there in front of everyone. It looks like the robot is going to win, but Robin Willaims shouts, “Jason! You have to believe in yourself!” And then Jason totally starts believing in himself, and he beats the robot!

“I'd like to thank Dr. Vanderstein,” Jason tells the crowd. Everyone on screen starts cheering, and everyone in the theatre around me started cheering too. I would have cheered along with them, but I was too busy weeping with joy.

“Jason,” I whispered under my breath, “You son of a bitch. Well done.”

Well done.

5 out of 5 stars.

He's Just Not That Into You

He's Just Not That Into You

Dir: Ken Kwapis

Starring: Drew Barrymore, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Aniston

Runtime: 2 hrs 9 mins

We all know that if a gentleman caller is “into you” he will make a business deal with your father, and acquire some land or some fat goats in exchange for the burden of taking care of you. If he’s not into you, he’ll probably burn down your farm and steal the goats. Either way, he’s getting some goats out of this.

Although He's Just not that into You felt somewhat contrived, (mainly because people were getting together without any sort of goat-related transactions. Are we just to assume that these transactions are being negotiated off screen?) the book that this movie was based on has a lot to offer in terms of tried and true relationship advice. I offer some of my favorite passages here:

“Men love it when you show you are committed. If he's not returning your calls, it's probably because you haven't called him enough times in a short enough span of time. Call him again, and if doesn't answer, immediately hang up and call again. If you manage to call him more than 60 times in one hour, he'll be very impressed, because that's more than one call per minute!”

“Pretend that you are pregnant. This will bring you closer together, and give you something to talk about during those painfully silent breakfasts. When he realizes you aren't really pregnant, just stuff a pillow under your shirt, and say 'Yes I am; just look how fat I am with this baby!' If done correctly, you can keep this going for at least a couple of years.”

“Men: Women love spontaneity. Tell her to dress up real nice because you're taking her out to the fanciest place in town. On the way there, say you changed your mind, and you have a better place to go to. Go to a McDonalds, and take off your fancy clothes in the car (make sure you wear a set of normal clothes underneath). She'll be the fanciest person at McDonalds! While you're eating your Big Macs, make sure to tell her how nice she looks. Women love to be complimented on how nice they look.”

“For guys or gals: Slowly (and subtly) chip away at your Significant Other's self esteem. A good way of doing this is by sending him/her anonymous letters in the mail that say mean things about the way they look, and/or their hygiene. The best part about being close to them is that you can figure out what they're most sensitive about, and really focus in on that in the letter. Make sure you don't put a return address, or sign it, or else they might figure out it's you. Also, practice acting surprised when they get the letter to divert suspicion. Say something like 'They do have a point,' about the letter (always make sure you pretend to read the letter first before you comment about it).

The less confident they feel about themselves, the more they will feel like you are their only option.”

“Finally, proper goat management is the key to any successful relationship. The fatter the goats, the better. If you don't have goats to trade, you've got a relationship headed nowhere.”

That last part about the goats wasn't really in the book, but I added it because it needed to be said.

3 out of 5 stars.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

This is a guest review by my dear friend Crispy Whiskers. He's been going through a rough patch in his life, but that's netiher here nor there. What's important is that he's out there reviewing movies in the great movie theatre of life, as we all do. I hope you give him a warm welcome.

-Tom Thayer, Guy Who Reviews Movies.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Dir: David Fincher

Starring: Brad Pitt, Julia Ormond

Runtime: 2 hrs 46 mins

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button is about a really old man-baby who eventually grows into Brad Pitt. A lot of people think that CCOBB is based on a short story or something. Actually, the curious case of Benjamin Button is the curious case of real life actor, Brad Pitt. Pitt was born an old man-baby and continues to grow younger with each movie’s he in. Some people were surprised to hear about this Hollywood secret. But is it really that surprising? A close examination of the facts will make this point quite obvious.

Remember Meet Joe Black? Pitt plays a blond haired hunky embodiment of Death. And what does Death do? He quits the killing business for a while so he can go around town eating peanut butter by the spoonful and talking with a Jamaican accent to old black ladies. Then Death threatens a crazy old man, played by Anthony Hopkins, and the old man, in exchange for his pathetically feeble life, let’s Death sleep with his super hot doctor-daughter, played by the super hot Claire Forlani. Sound familiar? Wrong! Hopkins is actually the one who plays Death and Pitt is the dementia-crazed loon. The doctor daughter is still played by Claire Forlani. Moreover, Pitt wasn’t acting. He was scarcely aware of the cameras.

Then there was Ocean’s 11. In this one Pitt plays a really old con artist who decides to rob ten casinos, and for no particular reason, pretends to be a millionaire and speak with a German accent and has a heart attack while he’s stealing all the money from the safe. George Clooney has to save his life by carrying him out of the casino in a black duffel bag. The casino’s owner, played by Andy Garcia, sees Pitt’s face as he escapes and swears vengeance. But by the end of the movie, Pitt already looks like ten years younger and in the last scene he passes Garcia on the street and Garcia doesn’t even know it and then Pitt does the coolest thing anyone could possibly do, which is wink at the camera. Enough plot summary, I’m assuming most of you have already seen the movie. What I wanted to say was, in truth, Pitt actually was ten years younger and really did have a heart attack. After the paramedics resuscitated him, Pitt said “Get your hands off of me. It’s called improvisation, bitches.”

Which leads us up to CCOBB. What can I really say about CCOBB? It’s great to finally see Pitt play a character so much like himself. But as time goes on and Pitt grows younger, it’s going to be harder for him to play the type of characters we expect from him. Sure, there is makeup and CG effects, but we all know that stuff can only make a person look younger not older. Pitt has already started to make the difficult transition from old to young roles. He has just accepted Shia Labeouf’s role in Transformers 2 and there are rumors that he will star as Fred Savage’s character in the made-for-TV movie Wonder Years: The Reunion due out by 2020. But one thing is certain, as Pitt grows smaller, so do his career options.

Email to IMDB.com

Hopefully this very diplomatic letter that I wrote about 20 minutes ago (with the assistance of several plastic cup-fulls of red wine) will clear things right up, and I can go back to my usual business of reviewing the shit out of movies.

Hello,  

I wrote a review for Underworld: Rise of the Lycans. Many people liked my review and voted it "helpful," but for some reason it was deleted. 

 

I also noticed that my reviews for Hotel for Dogs and Seven Pounds were also deleted.

 

To my knowledge, I did not break any of the guidelines that IMDB sets forth for reviews. I have not used any profanity, or revealed spoilers without warning. 

I would like to know why my reviews were deleted, and is there any way to have this decision reversed and future deletions avoided in the future?  

Sincerely,  

Tom Thayer

UPDATE: IMDb's Response:

Hello, 

Thank you for your message concerning the user comments system. 

Please note that all comments must conform to the guidelines as described at: 

http://www.imdb.com/help/show_leaf?commentsguidelines 

We have examined the comment(s) which have been deleted and stand by our decision to remove them from the site. We recommend you read the guidelines again.

----
Regards,
Ann
The IMDb Help Desk

As you can see, this is a really shitty response. I told them that I read their guidelines, but didn't see what I did wrong. How is referring me back to the guidelines in any way helpful?

IMDb's guidelines say don't include:

• Profanity, obscenities, or spiteful remarks.
• Time-sensitive material (i.e., promotional tours, seminars, lectures, etc.).
• Single-word reviews. We want to know why you liked or disliked the title.
• Avoid unannounced spoilers! Please don't reveal crucial plot elements. If you include a spoiler without warning readers in advance your name will be added to a blacklist and, subsequently, all your comments will be discarded automatically. To label a spoiler make sure you check the 'contains spoilers' checkbox.
• Phone numbers, mail addresses, URLs.
• Availability, price, or ordering/shipping information.
• Writing in ALL-CAPS! Writing sentences in all-uppercase characters is considered "SHOUTING" and must be avoided.

Okay, so I broke the URL rule. I see people doing that all over the place on IMDb, so I assumed it was an acceptable rule to break. This is where it would be helpful to get an actual response to my question.

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans



Dir: Patrick Tatopoulos Starring: Michael Sheen, Bill Nighy, Rhona Mitra
Runtime: 1 hr 32 mins

In some movies, the characters and plot are so far removed from our real life experiences, that the movie fails to make the human connection. Take Little Miss Sunshine for instance. Sure, it won plenty of awards from snobby critics, but who was that movie actually made for? How many of us actually go to beauty pageants, or drive vehicles, or have grandfathers? It was a movie made by the Hollywood elite, for the Hollywood elite.

And that's why Underworld: Rise of the Lycans is a breath of fresh air. It's not about Hollywood fat cats, riding their VW buses across the country like millionaires. Watching Rise of the Lycans is like looking through a magical porthole into my own childhood.

My Dad used to be a vampire. He would stumble back home before dawn, with the powerful stench of human blood on his breath. Human blood smells awful; like a combination of whiskey and beer. He would sleep all day, and would complain whenever Mom turned on a light or opened the curtains.

One time I asked Mom if Dad didn't like the sunlight because it would turn him into ashes. She just started laughing, but then it turned into crying.

At night, Dad would rise from bed, and go into town looking for blood.

One night Dad was attacked by our next door neighbor's pet Lycan. It was a big, mean beast. They kept it chained up in the yard. Dad was coming home from such a big night of feasting on blood, that he thought our neighbor's house was his house. When his key didn't work on the front door, he had assumed that Mom had changed the locks again.

So Dad went around back to where he thought Mom's bedroom was, and threw a brick through the window, and started yelling. The noise woke up the sleeping Lycan, who bit Dad on the leg.

The police came. The Judge made Dad stop being a vampire after that.

4½ out 5 stars.

Hotel for Dogs

Hotel for Dogs

Dir: Thor Freudenthal

Starring: Don Cheadle, some kids

Runtime: 1 hr 40 mins

In 2004, Don Cheadle made us take a hard look at our sheltered, western lives with Hotel Rwanda. In 2009, Cheadle surpasses anything he's ever done before with Hotel for Dogs. Hotel for Dogs has all of the emotional poignancy of Hotel Rwanda, but with the added relevancy of taking place in our own country. This triumph of the canine spirit will certainly be remembered as the most emotionally powerful movie about a hotel ever made.

5 out of 5 stars.

Bride Wars

Bride Wars

Dir: Gary Winick

Starring: Kate Hudson, Anne Hathaway

Runtime: 1 hr 30 mins

Bride Wars is a romantic comedy about a classic American rite of passage: the battle between two best friends who, through circumstances far beyond their control, can only get married on the same day for some reason.

Let me just say that I have been excited to see this movie since before it was even announced. On opening night, I arrived at the theatre promptly at midnight in my bride costume. Sadly, I must report that I was among the few that actually took the extra step to dress up. Apparently, wearing costumes to opening night is a dying tradition in American culture, because if you're not getting in costume for Bride Wars, what are you holding out for? Your own wedding? Please. Nobody is going to see that.

As much as I wanted this film to be the next Dark Knight, there was an obvious plot hole that was impossible to overlook. Frankly, it ruins the entire movie. I was actually embarrassed to be wearing the bridal gown when the movie was over.

The dramatic conflict is created by the two best friends who want to get married on the same day. The question burning in the audience's collective mind is: why doesn’t one bride simply kill the other?

If Hollywood and MTV have taught us anything (and they have taught us everything), it is that weddings are the single most important thing to any woman, ever. Weddings trump money, love, new shoes, children, and most of all, friendship. Weddings are the only thing that gives a woman meaning in her shallow, shoe-centric life.

In fact, I only know of one girl who would not murder her best friend if her friend was preventing her from having her wedding on a specific day (and that's only because she has no friends). Back me up on this, ladies.

I know what you're going to say: “ Tom, I agree with everything you just said, but if one of the brides killed the other one, the movie would have been too short.” Maybe you are right, Faceless-Reader-of-this-Blog. But at least it would have been real.

It would have been so easy for them to do it, too. A mail bomb, poison, hire a hitman, poison-by-mail, or scissors to the back of the head while they were clipping wedding coupons.

Another solution would be for one of the brides to kill the other's groom (no groom = no marriage). The consequences of this would have created a deliciously dramatic situation, as it would leave a vengeful, fiance-less woman, who would crash the other girl’s wedding drunk, and right before the vows, she'd start clapping real slow, and then when everyone is looking at her she'd say something like, “Everyone clap for the murder-bride!” and no one would know what she was talking about except for the bride, who would be thinking “Oh shit!”

Or she might pay a homeless man $20 to marry her, and continue with the wedding as planned, just out of spite.

You see, faithless readers, there is plenty of drama in reality. Hollywood has no need to insult us with such contrived endings, such as the two girls resolving their differences and becoming friends again in the end. No more, Hollywood! We want real! We demand the promised bloodshed that you have promised us!

1 out of 5 stars.