The Tooth Fairy

In the arena of movies based on supernatural childhood icons, there were only two titles that I would consider “unforgettable:” Tim Allen's stern and unforgiving interpretation of Santa in The Santa Clause and Chloe Sevigny's unforgettable portrayal of the Easter Bunny in The Brown Bunny. I can finally add a third title to my list, as Dwayne “Alcatraz” Johnson's moving performance in The Tooth Fairy will certainly be the talk of the town for months to come.

For those unfamiliar with Tooth Fairy lore, I will briefly summarize it here.

In some families, parents tell their children to save any tooth that falls out of their mouths, and hide it under their pillow. The Tooth Fairy will visit the lucky child while they are asleep, recover the tooth, and place a monetary reward in return.

This incentive, as you might imagine, causes many children to “expedite” the natural tooth-losing process. They will give extra attention to loose teeth, and even agitate non-loose teeth until they are ready to fall out. Many children have also been known to create fake teeth. The market for fakies or white wickers as they are commonly referred to, has been steadily growing for many years. Common techniques include painting a dried kernel of corn, or using a small piece of chalk.

In response, Tooth Fairies have become increasingly more skilled at spotting fake teeth, and punish the offending children by giving them small bites on the neck (while known humorously as “fairy hickies,” they are actually quite serious, as many Tooth Fairies have Hepatitis B and rabies). While this has certainly damaged the fake tooth market, it has had the unintended consequence of giving rise to an even more disturbing practice known as “substutition.” This is where a group of children will capture a physically weak child, and proceed to remove his or her teeth by any means they can. Usually performed during a recess at school, the group is forced to act quickly, which often results in their methods being exceptionally brutal.

Some facts about Tooth Fairies:

1. They are magic, winged creatures that collect children's teeth.

2. While the Catholic Church believes them to be fallen angels, there is no hard evidence that Tooth Fairies align themselves with either God or Lucifer. They are mostly likely free agents.

3. No one knows why Tooth Fairies collect teeth, although there has been much speculation over the years. Albert Einstein once went on record that the teeth were most likely being used to create a “giant and totally gross birthday cake for the United States' three hundredth birthday.” Einstein, however, retracted his own statement the very next day, saying that he was very drunk when he made it.

4. Tooth Fairies will only visit you if you let your parents know that you lost a tooth. This is because your parents have a special radio they use to contact the Tooth Fairy Base. No, you can't see the radio or else the Tooth Fairy won't come at all. Would that make you happy?

4 out of 5 stars.

Everybody's Fine: Guest Review by Uncle Carl

Everybody’s Fine. Oh really? Well I say everybody is NOT fine. In fact nobody is fine, and nobody in the theater could hear a word of the movie over my maniacal, hyena-like laughing that roared like a conductor-less train through 95 minutes of ice-slipping and awkward family dinners. Also, there’s fucking.



That this holiday thriller manages to deftly portray the trauma of sexual abuse in the workplace serves as a footnote to more important cinematic issues. First, the popcorn I purchased was buttered much too heavily for all but the most eggnog-inebriated of office party co-workers. Second, I think the soda fountain mixing ratio was fucked up, because my Dr. Pepper tasted a lot like the generic Dr. Thunder, which, if you’ve ever had, you’ll know is for poor people.



All plot issues aside, Robert DeNiro (of Hootie & the Blowfish fame) manages to turn in a heart-wrenching performance as Cliff Buckworth, a particularly naughty photocopier repairman. The canoodling couple in front of me who couldn’t be pried apart with a crowbar unfortunately missed Cliff’s climactic burning Christmas tree scene because they were burning some Christmas trees of their own.



Veteran director Kirk Jones, fresh off his Santa Monica hit and run acquittal, seems to have suffered more than just fender damage from the ordeal; he’s clearly forgotten the lessons he learned from TreeSaurus and Burn Wagon 2: The Long Ride Home, which is to say: write more jokes. In fact the only reason I laughed through this entire slow-moving shit-wagon of a movie is because after the first ten minutes I put on my headphones and listened to Louis C.K. stand-up.



5 out of 5 stars.

New Moon

In New Moon, Edward and Bella learn that having a high school relationship where one of you is a human and the other is vampire is not just a fun-filled sex romp. One of you will inevitably want to suck the other's blood, and both of you will be really emo about everything.

Laden with themes of teenage sex and bestiality, New Moon is a romantic tale that will certainly titillate everyone; from the prepubescent girl to the socially disturbed forty-something man.

4 out of 5 stars.

The Road

The Road is an offbeat romantic comedy in which ever-charming Hollywood hunk Viggo Mortenson plays a single parent searching for love and food in a quirky post-apocalyptic wasteland.

Life throws a lot of things between Mortenson and love; cannibals, starvation, crazy neighbors, you name it. In one hilarious scene, Mortenson meets an attractive, single pregnant woman! Could this person be the one he was waiting for? Only to discover that she consumes her own baby after giving birth to it (gross!).

The Road is based on the Cormac McCarthy novel of the same name. McCarthy had this to say about his novel, "When I wrote The Road, I wanted to hold a mirror up to society so that we can all see just how silly we are sometimes. Life is a road we all walk upon, and it's meant to be fun. People need to stop taking themselves so seriously. And that's why I, Cormac McCarthy, wrote The Road."

I won't spoil the surprise ending, but let's just say that Mortenson learns a thing or two about being a daddy.

Fantastic Mr. Fox

If Roald Dahl came back from the dead, and saw all that several of his books have been made or remade into successful movies, he'd probably ask the single question that is at the forefront of all hardcore Roald Dahl fans' minds: why aren't there any children being killed and/or eaten in any of these movies?

A lot of people will probably come to the defense of the films, saying that it is inappropriate to have children killed and/or eaten in movies that are made primarily for children. Or that children aren't actually eaten in Matilda, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and Fantastic Mr. Fox.

To these people, I say there are certainly children eaten in all of those stories; you just need to learn how to read between the lines. And furthermore, there was never any greater advocate of child consumption than Roald Dahl himself. The only thing he liked more than eating children was eating children in front of other children he was going to eat later.

I seem to remember an enormous crocodile just all of a sudden deciding that he wants to eat some fucking children for lunch. So what does he do? He goes into town, and brags to everyone he sees on the way about the carnage to be. What am I talking about? Some fucked-up fever dream I had? No. That's the actual plot of The Enormous Crocodile, a book written by Dahl for readers aged 5 and up (probably the only reason it's targeted for kids so young is that the crocodile doesn't get to eat the kids in the end. Instead he just gets thrown into outer space, and into the fucking sun!)

If Roald Dahl were alive today, I guarantee you he would be in Wes Anderson's office right now, demanding that more children be dismembered and gobbled up by whatever horrible creatures were in his fantastic brain that day. And I'll tell you what, he doesn't care that none of that happened in Fantastic Mr. Fox either. Fuck it – let's throw some giants in there who go around and eat orphans like they're candy, is what he would say.

God rest your soul, Mr. Dahl.

4 out of 5 stars.

The Box

In The Box, a couple is given the answer to their financial woes: if they open the box, they receive one million dollars, and someone they don't know dies.

Basically, it's the perfect invention. It has the power to generate a virtually endless stream of cash (limited to the population of Earth, I assume), while at the same time, its killing power is not compromised.

Imagine you have a gun that freaking turns people into gold whenever you shoot them with it. This box is even better than that gun, because you don't have to lug around golden corpses everywhere (very heavy), and you don't have to deal with that cocky know-it-all behind the counter at Cash 4 Gold. “Where do you keep getting these golden statues?” and “Why do all of them look they've just been shot?”

Look, Cash 4 Gold guy. You've got two jobs, and two jobs only: One. Melt down the golden corpses I give you, and two, pay me a fair market price.

The only disadvantage to the box that I can see is that it kills people you don't know. The gun that turns people into gold, on the other hand, allows you to target anyone you want. This is a big plus if you have a lot of enemies that you would like to be made into gold. On the other hand, I suppose if you have the box, you can just get the million dollars and then buy a regular gun.

So all in all, if faced with the option, go for the box.

4 out of 5 stars.

A Christmas Carol

A Christmas Carol
Starring: Jim Carrey
Dir: Robert Zemeckis
Runtime: 1 hr 36 mins

In the midst of our hard financial times, money has never been more important to people, which is why this classic Dickens' tale, reinforcing the value of money, is particularly timely.

Scrooge, a hardworking man who has selflessly sacrificed his personal happiness in order to enrich society in the way only a money-lender can, is perpetually bombarded by freeloaders and beggars.

On top of all that, his only employee Bob Cratchit has the nerve to request a half-day to be with his family on Christmas. It's almost as if Cratchit is intentionally trying to antagonize Scrooge by bragging about having a family to him.

In the end, ghosts finally achieve what all the beggars and societal pressures could not: driving Scrooge mad.

It is an old story with a familiar moral message, and although it's been said so many times before, you can never hear it enough: You can have all the money in the world, but it won't matter if ghosts can get into your house and make you crazy, and trick you into giving all your money away.

Enjoy this Christmas, readers, and please remember to ghost-proof your dwelling.


4 out of 5 stars.