Orphan

Orphan

Dir: Jaume Collet-Serra

Starring: Peter Sarsgaard, Isabelle Fuhrman

Runtime: 2 hrs 3 mins

Horror Movie Survival Tactics : Orphan

Sometimes all you need to do to survive is avoid making a monumentally stupid decision. For instance, in Orphan, right off the bat the parents make the critical mistake of adoption.

Never adopt anyone or anything. Nothing good can come of it. You can ask those little kids all the questions, run all the psychological tests on them, but at the end of the day, you don't know where they've been.

The lesson I'm trying to impart to you is: don't take shortcuts. Especially when it comes to making babies. At least when you make a baby from scratch, you know where that baby is every step of the way (except when you leave it in the car to buy groceries).

So you're set on adopting a child. Alright fine. At the very least, let's not adopt the creepiest looking kid in the entire orphanage. Avoid any children with extremely light or extremely dark features - for instance soul-penetrating blue eyes is a pass. The same goes for any child whose eyes are like staring into the cold, blackness of Death. Just go for someone in the middle, preferably with average to low intelligence.

Remember, you're looking for an average kid, who is not going to use its supernatural powers to open a gateway to Hell in your basement. Also, if the child has a British accent, skip it. Even if you're in the UK, you would do well to keep looking.

Finally, adopt a boy. I can't stress this enough. You're at least four times less likely to get a child born of Satan if its male. I'm not being sexist - I'm just telling you how it is.

Once you have the orphan living in your house, you must be wary of it at all times. Test your orphan to see if she has any uncanny abilities that portend witchery. When she's not looking at you, throw a stapler or something at her head. If she catches it at the last moment, there is a good chance she's got a demon or a ghost inside of her. If she just takes a hit with the stapler, it's a good sign to be sure, and you should apologize.

But at the same time, don't apologize too much. And don't let down your guard. She is probably just holding back her powers.

If you ever wake up to find her staring down at you, just reach out your arms and start strangling, and don't stop. Or at the very least, knock her unconscious, put her in the trunk of your car, and drive them both off a pier.

If for some incomprehensible reason you decide to allow the creepy staring to slide, be on your toes for anything. If she suddenly appears behind doors, or if you start hearing creepy music coming from nowhere, now is the time to run to the shed, grab the gasoline and the shotgun, and set your house on fire. Don't wait for something to actually happen. By that time, it will already be too late. Gasoline. House on fire. Now.

Stand at the front door with the shotgun, and shoot anything or anyone that comes out. This includes your "family." At this point there is at least a 60% chance that your family is under some sort of spell, or they are really actually her and she's a shapeshifter. And of course there is always a chance that they are zombies. Never discount the possibility of zombies.

After you watch the house burn to the ground, approach your car in a calm, controlled manner. Unload three or four rounds into the backseat. Don't even look in the backseat until you've done this. Then floor it. Drive until you find a junkyard with a car crusher. Leave your old car to be crushed, and get a new one. Keep driving until you've put at least a thousand miles between you and the ashes of your old life. At this time, you can start looking for a town where you can start over.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Starring: Daniel Radcliffe, Christoper Lee
Dir: David Yates
Runtime: 2 hrs 33 mins

The latest Harry Potter movie takes a darker than usual turn, when it is revealed that the ever-fluctuating position of Professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts has been filled this year by Satan (Christoper Lee), in what seems to be an exceptionally poor choice, even for for the Hogwarts adminstration.

Harry and his friends learn many new spells and rituals through the awesome power that Satan grants them. This is a marked difference from the books, wherein Satan plays a mere advisory role to the children, more of a father figure to the orphaned Harry.

Do yourself a favor and drop those extra three bucks for the 3D version. Seeing the snakes jump off the screen in the scene where the children sacrifice Hermione to their new teacher is really even better than the trailer makes it seem.

*SPOILER*

Religious parents, rest easy. Towards the end of the film, the Dark Lord Satan is revealed to be in cahoots with the Dark Lord Voldemort, who we all know is evil. In the end, Satan is killed by Harry. He is crucified upside down, and the children of Hogwarts drink his blood. Harry, mouth dripping with the blood of Lucifer, screams to the children: “Let this be a warning to all who betray me! I shall crucify you upside down and share your blood with my friends!”

It's refreshing when a children's movie is built upon a solid moral foundation. And this one is very clear: stay away from Satan, kids. Even though he'd give you awesome wizard powers, it's not worth it because he works for Voldemort and is evil.

5 out of 5 pentagrams.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Prayer to Optimus Prime

Please

let me
Transform
today

I would be
so much
More

if I could
just
Bore

Holes in the
wall with
a Ray

that comes
out of my
eyes

and melts
those I
despise

into a
pile
of clay

The Proposal

The Proposal
Dir: Jon Swift
Starring: Sandra Bullock, Ryan Reynolds
Runtime: 1 hr 47 mins

The Proposal (working title: The Modest Proposal) is a deliciously quirky romantic comedy, in which Ryan Reynolds plays an overworked and underappreciated secretary to a powerful business tycoon (Sandra Bullock). Bullock’s life is perfect (or so she thinks) until she finds out she’s being deported back to Canada unless she can obtain a green card, and fast.

Bullock learns that green cards are not easy to come by, as she attempts to marry homeless man after homeless man in a hilarious homeless marriage montage. Each homeless marriage doesn’t work out for one reason or another: one homeless man refuses to marry for less than true love, another one stabs her with a rusty fork three times, and another turns out to be gay. The montage is done to the song “Safety Dance.”

Bullock sits in her dark office, on the verge of tears. What is she going to do? At that very moment, Reynolds shuffles into her office. He knows she’s in a foul mood, and he’s liable to be chewed out for the slightest infraction. “Here are those Canadian labels you wanted,” he mumbles barely audibly.

“Did you say Canadian babies?”

“No, I—”

“That’s brilliant!” interrupts Bullock, madness gleaming in her eye. “All this time, I’ve been trying to find ways to prove that I’m American. But all I really need to do is prove that I’m not Canadian.”

“I really don’t think that’s how—”

“And what’s the one thing a true Canadian would never do?”

Reynolds gulps. “Uh… Cheer for an American hockey team?” He smiles nervously, hoping against hope that this is all she’s after, but something in her voice tells him it’s not.

“No. The one thing a Canadian would never do is eat a Canadian baby!”

“Ahh, yes,” says Reynolds, as he backs away towards the door.

“C’mon,” she says, grabbing him by the arm. “We’re going to get some dinner.”

“Can we get Italian? I’ve been craving pasta all day.”

“No… We’re getting Canadian.”

Reynolds drives Bullock to Canada. They cruise around the suburbs, until she spots a young woman pushing a baby carriage along the sidewalk. Bullock dashes out and grabs the baby.
“Drive, drive!” When she unfurls the blanket, the “baby” is revealed to be nothing more than a doll. “Blast! Let’s find another one.”

Another hilarious montage ensues, in which Reynolds and Bullock raid baby carriage after baby carriage in an attempt to kidnap a Canadian baby they intend to kill and eat (played to “Don’t Stop Believing”). In various carriages they find a sack full of cans, a baby-shaped potato, a cinder block, and a sack full of kittens. They are about to eat the potato and call it a day, when they spot one last baby carriage.

“It doesn’t matter,” says Bullock. “It’s not going to have a baby in it anyway. There’s not a single baby in this entire country.”

“You can’t just give up on your dream now,” says Reynolds. “It doesn’t matter that you came up with it last night, or that it’s completely psychotic and evil. It’s your dream, and you’re so close. Now go eat that baby!”

“You’re right!” Bullock dashes out of the car one more time, and grabs the bundle from the carriage. She can hardly believe it; it’s a real baby! She opens wide, preparing for a nice mouthful.

“Hey!” the mother yells. “Put down my baby!”

“Say that again,” Bullock says, her voice shaking.

“I said put down my baby, you freak!”

Bullock lowers the baby back into the carriage. She can’t believe it. She was so close to eating a real baby. “Where are you from?” Bullock asks. But she already knows the answer.

“I’m from Brooklyn, you crazy bitch. Now get away from me before I call the police.”

Reynolds puts his arm on her shoulder. “You want to go home?” She nods.

As they ride back, Reynolds consoles her, and after a short while, they’re laughing deep belly laughs at the silliness of life. He is completely charming, and they realize that they were in love the entire time. They are promptly married, and Bullock gets her green card and gets to stay in the United States. The end.


4 out of 5 stars.

The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3

The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3
Dir: Tony Scott
Starring: John Travolta, Denzel Washington
Runtime: 1 hr 46 mins

The Taking of Pelham 123 is a non-stop thrill ride under the city of New York, and maybe even into outer space. A criminal mastermind (Travolta) hijacks a subway train with one simple goal in mind: he wants to take Pelham 123 all the way to the moon. He doesn't want any money; he has no political agenda. All he wants to do is get that subway train with himself, and the hijacked passengers, onto the Earth's moon.

The main plot is broken up with a series of flashbacks, in which a young Travolta stares longingly at the moon, establishing the lunar obsession that will one day cause him to hijack a train. "Papa" the moonstruck boy says, "One day, I want to ride a subway up there, up there on the moon!"

"You shut your yapper about all this moon mumbo jumbo," his father slurs. The heavy stench of dessert wine practically wafts off the screen. "Ain't no subway ever going to be on the moon." Then his father beats him. He beats him for dreaming the same dreams he himself once dreamt as a young boy. Dreams that could never be more than dreams. He wants his son to forget these silly dreams of subways and moons.

But the boy never forgets them. If anything, the beatings only harden his will to succeed.

A simple man (Washington) goes work at his simple job of controlling New York's subways. It's not the most exciting job in the world, and that's just the way he likes it. He has several cop buddies who go after the real bad guys. The only "bad guy" Washington has to deal with is the occasional late train. Speaking of which, it looks like Pelham 123 is stuck.

"Pelham 123, respond," says Washington into the phone, expecting the train's operator to respond with something about signal problems, or perhaps a joke about molemen blocking the tracks.

Instead there is only a sinister laugh.

"Who is this?" demands Washington.

"This is the man who is going to take this subway to the moon! If I don't get on the moon in 59 minutes, in this train, I'm going to start killing hostages!"

Negotiations begin as the clock runs down. Washington offers money, but Travolta will not compromise on his one demand.

"I've spoken to NASA," says Washington. "There's going to be a moon mission in three months. We've worked out an agreement that if you give yourself up peacefully, we can put you on that shuttle, under police custody of course."

"You don't understand, do you?" screams Travolta. "This isn't about getting to the moon in one of your fancy space shuttles. This is about getting to the moon on the subway."

"I'm trying to work with you," pleads Washington "But there are no tracks that go to the moon. Subways go underground; the moon is in outer space. Please, listen to me!"

"Life is simple now. You just have to get this train on the moon," Travolta screams, and then hangs up.

*Spoiler Alert*

Washington comes up with a plan that's just crazy enough to work. Local residents cooperate, as they transform Pelham 123's next stop to look like the moon. They even remove the tile lettering of "34th Street" and replace them with "The Moon."

Washington announces over the train intercom, "Next stop- the moon!"

The subway pulls into Moon Station. A euphoric Travolta exits the train, and is promptly tackled by the "moon police" and dragged off to "moon jail." Travolta doesn't even care; his dream has come true. But his cell-mate, Travis, reveals the disturbing truth to Travolta in a poignant final scene.

"This ain't no moon jail, man. This is just jail. We on Earth. Look around you, man. We on Earth."

We on Earth.


4 out of 5 stars.

Star Trek

Star Trek

Dir: George Lucas

Starring: Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto

Runtime: 2 hrs 7 mins

The Star Trek series has inspired generations to build their own spaceships out of junkyard scraps, electrical tape, imagination, and gasoline. And it will continue to inspire us as long as our imaginations are alive, or until they put a better lock on that fence around the junkyard.

Star Trek introduces Captain James T. Kirk, a strapping young spaceship captain who I hope to learn more about. The way his character is portrayed in the movie makes him seem almost familiar, as if there is a great history behind this newly invented protagonist. Perhaps in a later movie, we will find out that he's Neo's father, or that he invented light sabres, or something like that.

Many Star Trek fans will be disappointed to find that there no light sabres in the newest Star Trek movie. But the true Trekkers will know that this is a prequel, and that light sabres haven't been invented yet. Trekkers will rejoice, however, to find that the hated character of Jar Jar Binks has yet to be born.

This is an entirely different movie than the others in the Star Trek series. The universe is a different place. We're not talking about Luke Skywalker's grandparents here. We're talking about his great-great grandparents. Even the Evil Overlord of Outer Space, Darth Vader, isn't in this movie.

Although vastly different from what Trekkers have seen before, Star Trek takes you on a rickety, gasoline-propelled thrill ride through Outer Space that will leave everyone in the audience wanting to go to "Infinity and Beyond!" again and again.

4 out of 5 stars.

Crank: High Voltage

Crank: High Voltage

Dir: Mark Neveldine, Brian Taylor

Starring: Jason Statham, Amy Smart

Runtime: 1 hr 36 mins

Jason Statham returns to wreck havoc on those who have done him wrong. This movie opens with a memorable motorcycle chase that begins on the back of a blue whale and ends with Statham’s fist going through the head of one of the bad guys. Or maybe Statham is actually the bad guy. You don’t really know.

This movie plays with the antiquated Hollywood “Western” (by Western, I mean both the genre and the culture/ideology) paradigm that good and evil are polar opposites, and that people fall into one group or the other. If I wear a black hat, do I not also feel? This is just one of the high-minded themes that Crank: High Voltage attempts to tackle in its epic ninety-six minutes of heart-pounding intellectualism.

A Chinese gangster steals Statham’s heart. Let’s examine this for a moment. Let’s examine this for several moments, because it’s the most brilliantly crafted metaphor since Shakespeare invented metaphors.

The concept of stealing someone’s heart as a way to communicate love for someone has a disturbing origin that dates back to the Victorian era. An old doctor fell in love with his teenage patient. Although he professed his love for her at every visit, it was unrequited. With no reasonable recourse available, the doctor resorted to an unreasonable one. He cut out his own heart and mailed it her with the message “Thou hast stolen mine heart” written with his own blood. For many years it was speculated that in order to do this, the doctor had written the letter first, using blood he had drawn from a cut on his finger, and then prepared the box to mail the heart, the postage, and the recipient's address before cutting his own heart out and stuffing it into the mailbox with his last few moments of consciousness. It was later discovered that the blood and the heart belonged to another patient, who had merely gone in for a physical. The doctor was never seen again.

If your heart is stolen by someone, it means you have a deep infatuation with them that you have little or no control over (hence the “stealing” part – it’s involuntary on your end). Statham, while seeking revenge against the man who has stolen his heart also has to face the reality that he is in love with him. This adds another layer to the magnificently crafted onion that is Crank: High Voltage. Can Statham bring himself to kill the man who has in every way possible, stolen his heart? You'll have to watch the movie to find out.

4 out of 5 stars.