The Hateful Eight

In Tarantino's latest masterpiece, a hateful group of eight (among them bounty hunters, gang members, and an old Southern general) are holed up together in Minnie's Haberdashery during a blizzard. Who's lying? Who lives and who dies? What is a haberdashery? These are the questions that fill our minds during the film.

After arriving at Minnie's Haberdashery, Minnie is notably missing. This detail eventually leads Major Warren to root out the lying and murderous Senor Bob. The loose end of what happened to Minnie is wrapped up, while the audience continues to wonder what a haberdashery is.

Is it like a stable, or an inn? Or are we thinking too simple here? Is it even a physical thing, or is it meant to be understood metaphorically? Is this the only haberdashery there is? Who entrusted Minnie with a haberdashery? Or did she make the haberdashery herself?

Nearing the climax of the film, the Hateful Eight are dropping away like flies. The beautiful camera work and Tarantino's signature gritty dialogue is almost enough to make you forget about the looming mystery of the haberdashery all together. But then it ends, and we are no closer to figuring out what it is.

I thought that after the credits we would see Minnie in a flashback to before she was killed (or she is a ghost), explaining what a haberdashery is, and why it was so important to everyone. Maybe she would also apologize to the audience, and explain how they didn't have time to work this scene into the main body of the film.

But nothing. Perhaps a sequel is on the way? "Minnie's Haberdashery: the Explanation of What is a Haberdashery." I hope so. I hope so.

The Shining

A talking finger, whose hobbies include being attached to a young boy, and seeing into the future, stops Jack Nicholson from killing the boy it's attached to, and his mom.

If you like talking fingers, hotels, and sexy ghosts who turn out to be really disgusting when you start making out with them, then chances are you will love The Shining.

The Shining has all of these things and more. Yes, that's right, I said more. There's also a hedge maze, a pantry full of goods, and a snow plow.

4 out of 5 stars.

The Conjuring

I grew up in a real-life haunted house, so The Conjuring was of particular interest to me.

One day, my Mom was taking me along to go grocery shopping. "Tommy," she said,
"Don't be scared, but there's a ghost living in our house. I know there's a ghost here, because it keeps moving the car keys off the hook and leaving them in strange places."

"Did you hear that?" she said to my father. "I said there's a ghost that keeps moving the car keys off the hook, where we both agreed we would always leave them."

"Mmm... Sounds like a ghost, alright. Did you check the kitchen table?"

"I found them already."

"Then what are you complaining about?"

"I shouldn't have to look for them! They should just be on the hook!"

The ghost was causing my parents to argue. And it really seemed to like playing with the car keys for some reason.

I got an idea. That night I took the car keys and flushed them down the toilet. "Follow the keys, ghost!" I yelled. "Follow them and don't come back!"

The next day, I told my parents what I had done. "Now the ghost won't have anything to play with, so maybe he'll go away." They just stared at me, and said nothing. Probably they were wondering why they hadn't thought of it themselves!

Sure enough, the ghost must have disappeared, because my parents never mentioned it again.

The Hunger Games

First of all, I know what you are all thinking, and the answer is no.

The Hunger Games is not about a game of chicken at lunchtime in the office cafeteria, which results in one lucky (and some would say foolishly brave) marketing director named Steve Jenkins winning everybody's lunches. And he'll sell them back to you, but he's going to make a tidy cut by the end.

But Steve only takes cash, and if you don't have any of that, well good luck trying to talk him into giving you a freebie just this once.

No, this Hunger Games is about something else entirely. It is about fighting and vengeance. And, uh, there's a whole lot of images. Images and sounds combining to create a distinct feeling, or mood.

But you can't focus on what is happening. All you can think about is that roast beef and pickle sandwich you were going to eat, but that that asshole Steve ate instead.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

One of the most celebrated children books of all time has finally made the silver screen. What you may not know is just how much the Hobbit reveals to us about the secret life of the legendary writer, linguist, and grifter, J.R.R. Tolkien.

The Ring
Tolkien won his prized gold ring at a pub over a game of riddles, by stumping the then riddle-master, C.S. Lewis. Tolkien asked his now immortalized riddle: "What have I got in my pockets?" The answer, of course, being the gold ring he had previous lifted from Lewis's own pocket only a half hour before.

Tolkien was nearly killed that night by Lewis's wrath, and a broken pool cue. But the daring writer escaped from a bathroom window, and was never seen at the likes of the Goblin Hole again.

Neither of them spoke a word of it anyone after that night. But as an ultimate gloat, Tolkien replicated his triumph in the riddle game of the Hobbit, and then had it published.

Rivendell
While writing the Hobbit, Mr. Tolkien would spend weeks at time locked away in his room. Sometime his body and clothes alike would become incredibly foul. What should have been a simple task of delivery his clothes to the local Chinese laundromat proved difficult due to Tolkien's inexplicable and deep mistrust of laundromats.

Tolkien's personal breakthrough comes at the same time as writing about Thorin Oakenshield, the leader of the company, overcoming his strong mistrust of elves, and giving his family's treasured treasure map to be examined by Elrond. So does Tolkien finally overcome his own prejudices against laundromats, and finally gives Mr. Chang his smelly, smelly clothes.

Gandalf
Gandalf, by far one of Tolkien's most bearded characters, is Tolkien's take on one peculiar postman Mr. Gunderman, who would stop by Tolkien's family's house, and periodically attempt to recruit a young Tolkien on various quests whenever his parents were out of the house. Later arrested (but never convicted) Mr. Gunderman would always be a source of inspiration for the writer.

Snow White and the Huntsman

I packed up my backpack full of oreos, diet root beer, twixes, fun-size snickers, and some regular root beer and headed off to the local theatre to catch a matinee showing of Snow White and the Huntsman.

I was stoked. Any movie that promises dwarves or magical talking mirrors is sure to get my attention. And one that has both - well, that's just a no brainer must-see for this reviewer. Add in some treats, and it only gets better.

I remember fondly snacking upon three musketeers bars and watching Walt Disney's raunchy production of Snow White (it's the scenes they don't show).

I had to break into some of the twixes and snickers en route to the movie theatre. The heat from sitting in the back of my car, coupled with being inside the backpack, had transformed the bars of candy into a mushy, sugary paste.

I would tear the packets open and suck the chocolate out at stoplights. The chocolate would get on my fingers and around the corners of my mouth, and in my beard. I would try to lick it off as best as I could, but I'm only just a man.

Finally I arrived at the movie theatre. "One for Snow White please," I said, minding my own business.

The pudgy ticket seller gave me a once over that I didn't think of as very polite. But whatever, I got my ticket.

The ticket-ripper person, who was barely a teenager and apparently had some sort of sweat-gland disorder, pointed his soggy hand at my backpack and said, "Are you bringing in any outside snacks, sir?"

"So what if I am?" I replied.

"I'm sorry sir, but it's against our policy to allow any outside food or beverages."

"I've been bringing in my own food and beverages into this place since before you were born." But he was obstinate. So, left with a classic Sophie's Choice situation, I did what any reasonable person would do.

I opened my bag and ate all the rest of the mushy snickers and twixes, and then the oreos, and drank the diet root beers and then washed it all down with some regular root beer.

"You made me do this," I communicated to the ticket-ripper guy with my eyeballs. I was simply in no mood to speak to him.

I spent the better part of the movie in the bathroom, puking up all that candy and soda. The ending is pretty epic though. From what I could gather, it was very meaningful and full of importance that is built up throughout a sequence of events, presumably starting at or around the beginning of the movie.

Well done.

4 out of 5 stars.

The Quest for The Game of Thrones on VHS

Having heard much and more of the popular HBO series Game of Thrones, I decided it was time to journey to Blockbuster and acquire mine own VHS copy of the show. So I loaded up my VHS rack, five of my favorite dogs, and a Costco-sized box of Reese's peanut butter cups into my trusty Honda Accord.

The only Blockbuster still in business is way in the South part of town, so I was in for a long quest. If it wasn't for the sugary sustenance provided by the Reese's cups, the companionship provided by my dogs, and the listening pleasure of "The Lord of the Rings" (unabridged) on cassette tape, I could have very easily gone mad.

Although many long years had passed, Blockbuster was just the way I remembered it. The same off-white plaster, squarish building, with blocky Blockbuster lettering on the front, and the promise of a plethora of VHS tapes within.

"I come seeking the Game of Thrones," I told the young man at the counter. "On VHS. Please bring it to me forthwith."

The young man, who's naming plate said Scott, was a dubious knave, clearly of lowbirth. He squinted his vacant eyeballs and knitted his bushy, bear-like eyebrows and said, "I'm sorry, but we don't carry that on VHS."

"Do not play such games with me, boy," I warned him. "I see your Game of Thrones display right before my own eyes."

"Yeah... those are DVDs. I can rent you a DVD?"

"A DVD? Do you take me for a fool, boy?"

"Hi, I'm Adam, the manager," said a trollish-looking imp-man. He had long snaggly yellow-brown teeth, and two large, watery eyeballs that seemed way too large for his head. "Is there a problem here sir?"

"This guy wants to rent some VHS tapes," said Scott, the idiot.

"Okay. I understand. I am very sorry sir, but we no longer carry VHS tapes at this location," said the imp.

What game were they playing here? A video store without videos. A riddle worthy of my late tutor, Brometheus.

Clearly they were both liars. For some reason they didn't want to rent me the Game of Thrones, but why? What secrets were they trying to conceal?

But I was tired from my long journey. And I was starting to crash from the sugar from all the peanut butter cups I had eaten. And the sound of the dogs howling from the car reminded me that I hadn't fed them or given them water in a great while. I had no choice but to leave this cursed place.

"Psst." On my way out of the Blockbuster, I heard a strange sound. "Psst. Hey buddy. I heard you want a VHS."

There was a hairy, hunchbacked man standing half in the shadows. He was clad in stinking garments. He smelled like a rancid applecart full of old cheese and rotting apples.

"I got all kinds of VHS-es," he whispered breathily. He opened his cloak to reveal a hidden collection of VHS tapes, more than one could count.

"Do you have Game of Thrones?" I asked.

"I have Game of Throats," he replied. "It's basically the same thing."

"Fine, I'll take it." I gave him five dollars.

After watching Game of Throats several times, I have come to the conclusion that the production values are poor, and the script is pretty weak for an HBO series. But despite all that, it is just as captivating as everyone says.

4 out of 5 stars.

The Artist

I originally wasn't going to go see this movie, because I don't like movies that come from other countries (I have a lot of reasons for this, and I won't get into them here).

I saw The Artist because my friend Gus liked it, and he and I usually enjoy the same movies. (We both saw Battleship together on opening night, and agreed it was the best movie of the year, possibly of all time).

I saw The Artist at the Crossroads in Tucson. For those of you who don't know about Crossroads, it's a cheap theatre, and the things there don't always work so well. The sound was broken, so you couldn't hear the voices. Weird thing was that the music seemed to be working okay.

The picture was really washed out too. I mean, pretty much to the point where it was black and white.

Surprisingly, the movie seemed to work okay without all those things. Still thought Battleship was better though, but that's just a given.

If anyone from Crossroads is reading this, you guys really need to get your act together.

Dark Shadows (with Johnny Depp)

I liked this a lot because I really like Johnny Depp. If they just made a movie where it was nothing but Johnny Depp talking to other Johnny Depps (he could play all of them through editing technology) then that would probably be my favorite movie, behind "Pirates of the Caribbean 2". If anyone wants to use my idea for a screenplay, please go for it, just make sure to credit me if it gets made.

At one point, Johnny Deep comes back to life and says "It was like a crypt down there," in his trademark Johnny Depp style. I was laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my face and I started choking on my popcorn. Nobody came to help me because I think they thought I was only laughing, and they didn't know I was also choking at the same time. I eventually coughed up the kernel that was stuck, but it was pretty scary for a while.

Johnny Depp's name is a little confusing to me. I really want his last name to be "Deep," because that just looks right. Depp looks like a typo. If you're reading this Johnny Depp, do you think your last name looks weird too? If it seems normal, then does the word "deep" seem weird, like it should be depp instead? Please let me know. Also, great job with all your movies!

4 out 5 stars (5 stars if they had more Johnny Deep)

Battleship

Battleship

Saw this one on opening night with my friend Gus. We're pretty hardcore Battleship: the Game fans – we average about four or five sessions a week. Gus wins most of the time, but that's because he moves his ships around when I go to the bathroom, which I do like five times per game (I have a small bladder, and I drink A LOT of coffee), but whenever I call him out on it, he always denies it, which is bullshit cause one time I caught him on tape! (He claims he knew I was videotaping him, and was just trying to mess with me, but I think he's lying).

While the movie was really different from the boardgame (don't expect any white or red pegs in the movie version), I still thought it was pretty good. In fact, I hope they release a new Battleship: the Movie: the Game, that includes the aliens.

Here's an idea for an updated version of the game: One time per game, each player can use an alien ship. It comes up from under the water, just like in the movie (they could make some sort of little motor mechanism that brings up the alien ships from under the board). The alien ship should be able to shoot nerf bullets or something.

Also, you should make it so that players can't move their ships once they've been put down. Like maybe they can deliver an electrical shock (doesn't have to be too strong), to deter them from moving the ships, cause it's cheating, and it ruins the game! Are you listening Gus?

The Avengers

The Avengers

All of America's favorite superheroes join together to fight the forces of evil! It can be really confusing to people who don't know about superheroes, so let me refresh your memory about this stellar cast.

Captain America, a brilliant politician who can elect anyone to any office with his democracy powers.

The Hulk, a shapeshifter of sorts. He can imitate all the other superheroes, sort of like in “Talented Mr. Ripley,” or Mystique from X-Men. It sometimes gets really confusing in this movie trying to tell who is or isn't The Hulk. I had to keep asking the guy next to me, but he didn't know either. Or else he just didn't want to tell me.

Scarlett Johansson, with the powers of magic. Imagine Gandalf, but without a beard, and twice as powerful.

Ironman, using his powers over iron to put his enemies in chains. Pretty much Magneto from X-Men, but without a beard, and twice as powerful.

Batman, a hero who can presumably talk to bats (although this is often debated by hardcore fans).

Samuel L. Jackson, telepathy and telekinetic stuff. He can fly, but only when nobody is looking at him.

4 out of 5 stars.

Box Office Round Up

Guy Who Reviews Movies PRESENTS:

Box Office Round-up (yeee- haw!)

You guys know me. I calls it like I sees it.

It's time to put the top movies at the box office in the hot seat. Or five seats. Hollywood Fat Cats, run for cover, because I'm firing with both barrels of my pen... er, keyboard.

1. The Lion King

A brand new movie by Disney, and yet it seems vaguely familiar? Hmm... Talking animals, where have I seen that before? Oh wait, I know! DreamWork's “Over the Hedge”, anybody? I hope Disney has a good legal team. I foresee legal battles in the future.

Verdict: Whatever happened to original ideas?

2. Moneyball

A computer that can determine the optimal baseball players? What's next? A computer that can talk? A computer that can do my taxes? I've got an idea: how about a computer that can give me the last two hours of my life back? Get real, Hollywood.

Verdict: Don't watch it, unless you enjoy absurd premises.

3. Dolphin Tale

If you noticed that “Dolphin Tale” also works as a pun on the word “tail”, without anyone explaining it to you, then you might be smart enough to see this. Be ready to think. The plot gets pretty confusing.

Verdict: One for the intelligentsia, and few else.

4. Abduction

My dad once told me that I wasn't really his son when we were out fishing. I spent a full weekend looking for my “real” dad, until my dad admitted that he was just joking around before, and that he really was my dad. We laughed and laughed about it. My dad was laughing so hard that he started crying. Then he went out to go buy some cigarettes. I guess he got lost somewhere on the way, because he's been gone for twelve years. When he does come back, we're going to go see this movie together, and laugh some more.

Verdict: If you can read this Dad, we're still living at the same house.

5. Contagion

Everyone gets so uptight about quarantines! I've been quarantined once or twice, and let me tell you: it's no big deal. My mom locked me in the closet with our pet cocker spaniel while she had a dinner party, so I wouldn't infect the guests. I guess I must have pretty sick. She brought me some leftovers afterwards, but the dog got to most of it before I could.

Verdict: Mom's dinner parties kind of sucked.

Mr Popper's Penguins

Mr. Popper's Penguins

Director: Henry Miller

Length: 2 hrs 5 mins

In this dark family comedy, Jim Carrey is Mr. Popper, a driven businessman who is clueless when it comes to the important things in life - until he inherits six penguins through a pact he makes with Satan. Popper's penguins turn his swank New York apartment into a snowy winter wonderland of carnage and destruction - and the rest of his life upside-down. Filmed in a refrigerated slaughterhouse with real Emperor Penguins, Mr. Popper's Penguins is Henry Miller's contemporary adaptation of the classic book.

Imagination knows no limitations in Mr. Popper's Penguins, much like Mr. Popper and his penguins' lust for blood.

At first glance, the penguins are merely hell-slaves, bound to carry out Popper's will as per the demonic contract. But this master-slave relationship becomes distorted piece by piece as Popper's insanity builds. It is clear that he wishes to be rid of the penguins, but doesn't know how. This is most clear when the penguins follow him to his girlfriend's apartment unbeknownst to him. As the penguins rip apart both his girlfriend and the friend whom he suspects she is having an affair with, Popper tries to pull them off. But their sharp little beaks are too quick, and their taste for blood too strong.

There will be arguments as to whether the penguins themselves are real, or merely a part of Popper's psychosis. While both sides can offer valid points, when Pippi poops on the businessman, he clearly reacts to the poop. Why would he do this if the penguins were only inside of Popper's imagination? It is of this critic's opinion that the penguins were always intended to be real.

4 out of 5 stars.

Green Lantern

I had a really fun time seeing Green Lantern with you, kiddo.

Son, I don't know how to tell you this, so I'll just say it. Your dad's a superhero, like from the movie.

I bet you're pretty surprised right now. I bet you have a whole lot of questions, like where's your costume? Are Mommy and Daddy still getting a divorce? What are your superpowers?

Well, I'm wearing my costume. Yes, we're still getting divorced. And my superpower is... it's not important right now what it is. The important part is that you believe Daddy. You do believe me, right?

I have something else I need to tell you. It's about Mommy. Mommy isn't who she pretends to be.

Well, yes, she is your mom. That part is true. I suppose.

Alright, I didn't want to tell you this on your birthday, but Mommy is a supervillain.

Wait, no, stop crying. I'm... that was a test. And you passed! Mommy's not a supervillain. She's just a person.

But I really am a superhero. That's the important thing you should take away from this.

Why?

Well, because tomorrow the old Elmer Fudd man is going to decide whether you should live with your boring, old, normal Mommy or with your superhero Dad, and it's important that you tell him who you'd rather live with, and why. I just want you to make a well-informed decision. That's why I'm telling you now.

It's also very important that when he asks you why, you don't say that it's because Daddy told you he's a superhero. Daddy needs to keep his identity secret, especially from the Elmer Fudd man. Don't tell anyone, but I suspect he's a supervillain.

I'm sorry. Please don't cry. It's okay. He's not a supervillain either. He's just a judge. He and Mommy like to judge Daddy. They think that Daddy's a pathological liar.

What's a pathological liar? Well, I guess it's kind of like a superpower.

Anyway. Tomorrow's the big day, kiddo.

What's that? You said you want to live with Mommy? She said she's going to buy you a puppy?

What? No, no. Daddy's fine. There was an evil bug on the wall that needed to be punched.

X-Men: First Class

Dear Mr. Thayer,

I have reviewed your most recent application to the Charles Xavier School for Gifted Youngsters. It is with a heavy heart that I inform you once again we do not have any openings for you this coming fall.

As a telepath, I know that you are preparing to apply again in the spring and the subsequent fall. Please save yourself the effort.

Your essay, "Wolverine Ain't Shit," even excusing the grammatical errors and what I can only describe as 1800s "pirate slang," was in extremely poor taste, even more so because there is no essay portion on the entrance application.

In fact, there isn't an entrance application at all, which is a fact that has still managed to elude you in these last seven years of our correspondence.

The process is really quite simple: if you're a mutant, I come to your home and ask you if you want to come to my mutant school. If you're not a mutant, you're shit out of luck, I'm afraid.

Your documented "abilities" are a few shades less than what we'd consider mutant powers here at CXSGY. I'm afraid that your "power" to ejaculate in under a minute, while certainly impressive in it's own way, is not a mutation.

And while I'm not a medical doctor, I would recommend that you see one judging by the most recent photograph you sent of your "ever-expanding back rash" power, which I have had the unfortunate privilege of watching develop over your last four letters.

If you must apply next semester, please consider Hogwart's instead.

Best Wishes,

Dr. Charles Xavier

Charles Xavier School for Gifted Youngsters

Oscar Night

Good evening ladies and gents. I want to share with you a magical night that begins with me dressing up as Jeff Bridges' wife, and ends with me doing... unspeakable things with Mr. Bridges. And in between – me, live at the Oscars!

What surprised me the most, besides how short everyone was in person, was the sheer number of awards. Most of the awards don't even make it to TV, nor does anyone report on them, or even mention them once the Oscars are over.

So here they are – a Guy Who Reviews Movies exclusive – the previously unreported Oscar Awards of 2009:

Best “9” Movie Award
This award recognizes the best movie with “9” in its title. This year there were three freaking nominations. WTF?
Nominees:
Nine
9
District 9
Winner: 9

Best “Up” Movie Award
Nominees:
Up in the Air
Up
Winner: Tie – they were both really good movies.

Best “The Matrix” Award
This award honors the best “The Matrix” movie of 2009. This prestigious award has recently replaced the Best “Fight Club” Movie Award.
Nominees:
Surrogates
Gamer
Avatar
Winner: Avatar

I feel it's important to note that by this point in the night, Oscar host Alec Baldwin had consumed a lot of gin martinis. Whenever someone was giving his or her acceptance speech, he would turn his back to the audience and finish off his drink.

I don't even know if these were real awards. He had an envelope, but I'm pretty he was just pulling a cocktail napkin out of it, and pretending to read off of it. But for some reason, everyone was cool with it. Not only that, but everyone really wanted to win these awards.

Best Clooney Award
Nominees:
Up in the Air
Fantastic Mr. Fox
Etc, etc. like 50 other movies.
Winner: Who the fuck cares?

Best Movie I Didn't See Award
Nominees:
The Hurt Locker
Push
Crazy Heart
Winner: probably The Hurt Locker

Most Fuckable CGI Award
This award is given to the movie whose computer-generated imagery is deemed most fuckable.
Nominees:
Fantastic Mr. Fox – various animals
Up – the old dude's wife in between (and not including) when she was a little kid and an old lady
Avatar – the blue people.
Winner: Avatar – the blue people.

Best Quote that I kind of Remember
Nominees:
“Everything has a place in nature, and spirits, and blah blah blah.” - Avatar
“I fucking love firing people! And airplanes and shit!” - Up in the Air
“Fuck! My fucking house is fucking – holy fuck!” - Up

Winner: “I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me. Papa – paparazzi...” - Paparazzi (Lady Gaga)

Baldwin got halfway through singing Paparazzi before he stumbled and fell into the orchestra pit. He was okay, but he sent the three flautists he fell on to the hospital. Everyone kind of just wandered away after that. It seemed as good a time as any to end the Academy Awards and call it a night.

From Paris with Love

From Paris with Love will “assassinate” it's way into your heart with it's charming lead actors and clever writing.

Tex Shooter (John Travolta) is the best assassin in the entire world. He's so good at what he does, he gets bored assassinating people the old fashioned way, so he gets creative, killing one ambassador with a sharpened fruit, and another a witty anecdote that is so funny that the ambassador dies from laughter.

Alex Ignachuck (James Earl Jones [uncredited]), president of the Society of Assassins, resents Shooter for his unorthodox assassination techniques. To teach Shooter a lesson, he teams him up with newbie James Reece (Jonathan Rhys Meyers).

“Shooter don't need no partner. Shooter works alone,” says Shooter.

“Work with this guy, or I'll have your badge. Your assassins badge, that is. It's like a police badge, but for assassins, and you're not allowed to assassinate people without it,” explains Ignachuck.

“Yeah, I know what it is,” says Shooter. “I have been working here for seventeen years, after all. Ever since my wife died.”

“Give it up Shooter. You'll never find out who assassinated your wife,” says Ignachuck.

“Why did you just say she was assassinated? She died in a car accident.”

“That was just a mistake. I meant to say car accident, of course.”

Shooter meets with his partner, and they go to Paris. His partner is book-smart, but Shooter shows him that sometimes you don't win if you play life by the rules. And James shows Shooter that sometimes it's better to play by the rules.

Together they complete their mission: assassinating everyone in Paris. In the process, Shooter discovers that his wife was actually assassinated, and the culprit was none other than Ignachuck! Shooter seeks his revenge, which concludes with a battle-to-the-death with rakes and garden hoses that can only be described as “majestic.”

“Ironic that I'm assassinating you, isn't it Ignachuck?” says Shooter.

“Uhhhhrrkk!” says Ignachuck.

“Say hi to my dead wife for me!”

4 out of 5 stars.

When in Rome

I'm surprised that Kristen Bell was cast as the lead in a romantic comedy after the heartless way she treated Jason Segel's character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. And before you all start coming out of the woodwork to attack me as if I were some cornered zebra, yes, I know she was just acting. I get that.

But that doesn't change the fact Segel loved her without question, and like some bloodthirsty zebra, she tore his heart out.

I took drama class in high school. I think I know what “acting” is, okay? She was acting. He was acting. Everyone was acting. Are you happy?

Still though, you have to be one cold bitch to cheat on your boyfriend of five years with that sleazy European guy.

Again with the acting! Is that all you people think about? Does that excuse someone's behavior? Oh, I killed my wife. But guess what, I was acting!

No. You get a grip on reality.

4 out of 5 stars.

The Tooth Fairy

In the arena of movies based on supernatural childhood icons, there were only two titles that I would consider “unforgettable:” Tim Allen's stern and unforgiving interpretation of Santa in The Santa Clause and Chloe Sevigny's unforgettable portrayal of the Easter Bunny in The Brown Bunny. I can finally add a third title to my list, as Dwayne “Alcatraz” Johnson's moving performance in The Tooth Fairy will certainly be the talk of the town for months to come.

For those unfamiliar with Tooth Fairy lore, I will briefly summarize it here.

In some families, parents tell their children to save any tooth that falls out of their mouths, and hide it under their pillow. The Tooth Fairy will visit the lucky child while they are asleep, recover the tooth, and place a monetary reward in return.

This incentive, as you might imagine, causes many children to “expedite” the natural tooth-losing process. They will give extra attention to loose teeth, and even agitate non-loose teeth until they are ready to fall out. Many children have also been known to create fake teeth. The market for fakies or white wickers as they are commonly referred to, has been steadily growing for many years. Common techniques include painting a dried kernel of corn, or using a small piece of chalk.

In response, Tooth Fairies have become increasingly more skilled at spotting fake teeth, and punish the offending children by giving them small bites on the neck (while known humorously as “fairy hickies,” they are actually quite serious, as many Tooth Fairies have Hepatitis B and rabies). While this has certainly damaged the fake tooth market, it has had the unintended consequence of giving rise to an even more disturbing practice known as “substutition.” This is where a group of children will capture a physically weak child, and proceed to remove his or her teeth by any means they can. Usually performed during a recess at school, the group is forced to act quickly, which often results in their methods being exceptionally brutal.

Some facts about Tooth Fairies:

1. They are magic, winged creatures that collect children's teeth.

2. While the Catholic Church believes them to be fallen angels, there is no hard evidence that Tooth Fairies align themselves with either God or Lucifer. They are mostly likely free agents.

3. No one knows why Tooth Fairies collect teeth, although there has been much speculation over the years. Albert Einstein once went on record that the teeth were most likely being used to create a “giant and totally gross birthday cake for the United States' three hundredth birthday.” Einstein, however, retracted his own statement the very next day, saying that he was very drunk when he made it.

4. Tooth Fairies will only visit you if you let your parents know that you lost a tooth. This is because your parents have a special radio they use to contact the Tooth Fairy Base. No, you can't see the radio or else the Tooth Fairy won't come at all. Would that make you happy?

4 out of 5 stars.

Everybody's Fine: Guest Review by Uncle Carl

Everybody’s Fine. Oh really? Well I say everybody is NOT fine. In fact nobody is fine, and nobody in the theater could hear a word of the movie over my maniacal, hyena-like laughing that roared like a conductor-less train through 95 minutes of ice-slipping and awkward family dinners. Also, there’s fucking.



That this holiday thriller manages to deftly portray the trauma of sexual abuse in the workplace serves as a footnote to more important cinematic issues. First, the popcorn I purchased was buttered much too heavily for all but the most eggnog-inebriated of office party co-workers. Second, I think the soda fountain mixing ratio was fucked up, because my Dr. Pepper tasted a lot like the generic Dr. Thunder, which, if you’ve ever had, you’ll know is for poor people.



All plot issues aside, Robert DeNiro (of Hootie & the Blowfish fame) manages to turn in a heart-wrenching performance as Cliff Buckworth, a particularly naughty photocopier repairman. The canoodling couple in front of me who couldn’t be pried apart with a crowbar unfortunately missed Cliff’s climactic burning Christmas tree scene because they were burning some Christmas trees of their own.



Veteran director Kirk Jones, fresh off his Santa Monica hit and run acquittal, seems to have suffered more than just fender damage from the ordeal; he’s clearly forgotten the lessons he learned from TreeSaurus and Burn Wagon 2: The Long Ride Home, which is to say: write more jokes. In fact the only reason I laughed through this entire slow-moving shit-wagon of a movie is because after the first ten minutes I put on my headphones and listened to Louis C.K. stand-up.



5 out of 5 stars.