Guy Who Reviews Movies and Also Watches Them

Box Office Round Up

2011-10-02T02:16:00.000-07:00

Guy Who Reviews Movies PRESENTS:

Box Office Round-up (yeee- haw!)

You guys know me. I calls it like I sees it.

It's time to put the top movies at the box office in the hot seat. Or five seats. Hollywood Fat Cats, run for cover, because I'm firing with both barrels of my pen... er, keyboard.

1. The Lion King

A brand new movie by Disney, and yet it seems vaguely familiar? Hmm... Talking animals, where have I seen that before? Oh wait, I know! DreamWork's “Over the Hedge”, anybody? I hope Disney has a good legal team. I foresee legal battles in the future.

Verdict: Whatever happened to original ideas?

2. Moneyball

A computer that can determine the optimal baseball players? What's next? A computer that can talk? A computer that can do my taxes? I've got an idea: how about a computer that can give me the last two hours of my life back? Get real, Hollywood.

Verdict: Don't watch it, unless you enjoy absurd premises.

3. Dolphin Tale

If you noticed that “Dolphin Tale” also works as a pun on the word “tail”, without anyone explaining it to you, then you might be smart enough to see this. Be ready to think. The plot gets pretty confusing.

Verdict: One for the intelligentsia, and few else.

4. Abduction

My dad once told me that I wasn't really his son when we were out fishing. I spent a full weekend looking for my “real” dad, until my dad admitted that he was just joking around before, and that he really was my dad. We laughed and laughed about it. My dad was laughing so hard that he started crying. Then he went out to go buy some cigarettes. I guess he got lost somewhere on the way, because he's been gone for twelve years. When he does come back, we're going to go see this movie together, and laugh some more.

Verdict: If you can read this Dad, we're still living at the same house.

5. Contagion

Everyone gets so uptight about quarantines! I've been quarantined once or twice, and let me tell you: it's no big deal. My mom locked me in the closet with our pet cocker spaniel while she had a dinner party, so I wouldn't infect the guests. I guess I must have pretty sick. She brought me some leftovers afterwards, but the dog got to most of it before I could.

Verdict: Mom's dinner parties kind of sucked.

Mr Popper's Penguins

2011-09-17T21:46:00.000-07:00

Mr. Popper's Penguins

Director: Henry Miller

Length: 2 hrs 5 mins

In this dark family comedy, Jim Carrey is Mr. Popper, a driven businessman who is clueless when it comes to the important things in life - until he inherits six penguins through a pact he makes with Satan. Popper's penguins turn his swank New York apartment into a snowy winter wonderland of carnage and destruction - and the rest of his life upside-down. Filmed in a refrigerated slaughterhouse with real Emperor Penguins, Mr. Popper's Penguins is Henry Miller's contemporary adaptation of the classic book.

Imagination knows no limitations in Mr. Popper's Penguins, much like Mr. Popper and his penguins' lust for blood.

At first glance, the penguins are merely hell-slaves, bound to carry out Popper's will as per the demonic contract. But this master-slave relationship becomes distorted piece by piece as Popper's insanity builds. It is clear that he wishes to be rid of the penguins, but doesn't know how. This is most clear when the penguins follow him to his girlfriend's apartment unbeknownst to him. As the penguins rip apart both his girlfriend and the friend whom he suspects she is having an affair with, Popper tries to pull them off. But their sharp little beaks are too quick, and their taste for blood too strong.

There will be arguments as to whether the penguins themselves are real, or merely a part of Popper's psychosis. While both sides can offer valid points, when Pippi poops on the businessman, he clearly reacts to the poop. Why would he do this if the penguins were only inside of Popper's imagination? It is of this critic's opinion that the penguins were always intended to be real.

4 out of 5 stars.

Green Lantern

2011-06-18T19:08:00.000-07:00

I had a really fun time seeing Green Lantern with you, kiddo.

Son, I don't know how to tell you this, so I'll just say it. Your dad's a superhero, like from the movie.

I bet you're pretty surprised right now. I bet you have a whole lot of questions, like where's your costume? Are Mommy and Daddy still getting a divorce? What are your superpowers?

Well, I'm wearing my costume. Yes, we're still getting divorced. And my superpower is... it's not important right now what it is. The important part is that you believe Daddy. You do believe me, right?

I have something else I need to tell you. It's about Mommy. Mommy isn't who she pretends to be.

Well, yes, she is your mom. That part is true. I suppose.

Alright, I didn't want to tell you this on your birthday, but Mommy is a supervillain.

Wait, no, stop crying. I'm... that was a test. And you passed! Mommy's not a supervillain. She's just a person.

But I really am a superhero. That's the important thing you should take away from this.

Why?

Well, because tomorrow the old Elmer Fudd man is going to decide whether you should live with your boring, old, normal Mommy or with your superhero Dad, and it's important that you tell him who you'd rather live with, and why. I just want you to make a well-informed decision. That's why I'm telling you now.

It's also very important that when he asks you why, you don't say that it's because Daddy told you he's a superhero. Daddy needs to keep his identity secret, especially from the Elmer Fudd man. Don't tell anyone, but I suspect he's a supervillain.

I'm sorry. Please don't cry. It's okay. He's not a supervillain either. He's just a judge. He and Mommy like to judge Daddy. They think that Daddy's a pathological liar.

What's a pathological liar? Well, I guess it's kind of like a superpower.

Anyway. Tomorrow's the big day, kiddo.

What's that? You said you want to live with Mommy? She said she's going to buy you a puppy?

What? No, no. Daddy's fine. There was an evil bug on the wall that needed to be punched.

X-Men: First Class

2011-06-10T19:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Thayer,

I have reviewed your most recent application to the Charles Xavier School for Gifted Youngsters. It is with a heavy heart that I inform you once again we do not have any openings for you this coming fall.

As a telepath, I know that you are preparing to apply again in the spring and the subsequent fall. Please save yourself the effort.

Your essay, "Wolverine Ain't Shit," even excusing the grammatical errors and what I can only describe as 1800s "pirate slang," was in extremely poor taste, even more so because there is no essay portion on the entrance application.

In fact, there isn't an entrance application at all, which is a fact that has still managed to elude you in these last seven years of our correspondence.

The process is really quite simple: if you're a mutant, I come to your home and ask you if you want to come to my mutant school. If you're not a mutant, you're shit out of luck, I'm afraid.

Your documented "abilities" are a few shades less than what we'd consider mutant powers here at CXSGY. I'm afraid that your "power" to ejaculate in under a minute, while certainly impressive in it's own way, is not a mutation.

And while I'm not a medical doctor, I would recommend that you see one judging by the most recent photograph you sent of your "ever-expanding back rash" power, which I have had the unfortunate privilege of watching develop over your last four letters.

If you must apply next semester, please consider Hogwart's instead.

Best Wishes,

Dr. Charles Xavier

Charles Xavier School for Gifted Youngsters

Oscar Night

2010-03-18T08:29:00.000-07:00

Good evening ladies and gents. I want to share with you a magical night that begins with me dressing up as Jeff Bridges' wife, and ends with me doing... unspeakable things with Mr. Bridges. And in between – me, live at the Oscars!

What surprised me the most, besides how short everyone was in person, was the sheer number of awards. Most of the awards don't even make it to TV, nor does anyone report on them, or even mention them once the Oscars are over.

So here they are – a Guy Who Reviews Movies exclusive – the previously unreported Oscar Awards of 2009:

Best “9” Movie Award
This award recognizes the best movie with “9” in its title. This year there were three freaking nominations. WTF?
Nominees:
Nine
9
District 9
Winner: 9

Best “Up” Movie Award
Nominees:
Up in the Air
Up
Winner: Tie – they were both really good movies.

Best “The Matrix” Award
This award honors the best “The Matrix” movie of 2009. This prestigious award has recently replaced the Best “Fight Club” Movie Award.
Nominees:
Surrogates
Gamer
Avatar
Winner: Avatar

I feel it's important to note that by this point in the night, Oscar host Alec Baldwin had consumed a lot of gin martinis. Whenever someone was giving his or her acceptance speech, he would turn his back to the audience and finish off his drink.

I don't even know if these were real awards. He had an envelope, but I'm pretty he was just pulling a cocktail napkin out of it, and pretending to read off of it. But for some reason, everyone was cool with it. Not only that, but everyone really wanted to win these awards.

Best Clooney Award
Nominees:
Up in the Air
Fantastic Mr. Fox
Etc, etc. like 50 other movies.
Winner: Who the fuck cares?

Best Movie I Didn't See Award
Nominees:
The Hurt Locker
Push
Crazy Heart
Winner: probably The Hurt Locker

Most Fuckable CGI Award
This award is given to the movie whose computer-generated imagery is deemed most fuckable.
Nominees:
Fantastic Mr. Fox – various animals
Up – the old dude's wife in between (and not including) when she was a little kid and an old lady
Avatar – the blue people.
Winner: Avatar – the blue people.

Best Quote that I kind of Remember
Nominees:
“Everything has a place in nature, and spirits, and blah blah blah.” - Avatar
“I fucking love firing people! And airplanes and shit!” - Up in the Air
“Fuck! My fucking house is fucking – holy fuck!” - Up

Winner: “I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me. Papa – paparazzi...” - Paparazzi (Lady Gaga)

Baldwin got halfway through singing Paparazzi before he stumbled and fell into the orchestra pit. He was okay, but he sent the three flautists he fell on to the hospital. Everyone kind of just wandered away after that. It seemed as good a time as any to end the Academy Awards and call it a night.

From Paris with Love

2010-02-03T14:09:00.000-08:00

From Paris with Love will “assassinate” it's way into your heart with it's charming lead actors and clever writing.

Tex Shooter (John Travolta) is the best assassin in the entire world. He's so good at what he does, he gets bored assassinating people the old fashioned way, so he gets creative, killing one ambassador with a sharpened fruit, and another a witty anecdote that is so funny that the ambassador dies from laughter.

Alex Ignachuck (James Earl Jones [uncredited]), president of the Society of Assassins, resents Shooter for his unorthodox assassination techniques. To teach Shooter a lesson, he teams him up with newbie James Reece (Jonathan Rhys Meyers).

“Shooter don't need no partner. Shooter works alone,” says Shooter.

“Work with this guy, or I'll have your badge. Your assassins badge, that is. It's like a police badge, but for assassins, and you're not allowed to assassinate people without it,” explains Ignachuck.

“Yeah, I know what it is,” says Shooter. “I have been working here for seventeen years, after all. Ever since my wife died.”

“Give it up Shooter. You'll never find out who assassinated your wife,” says Ignachuck.

“Why did you just say she was assassinated? She died in a car accident.”

“That was just a mistake. I meant to say car accident, of course.”

Shooter meets with his partner, and they go to Paris. His partner is book-smart, but Shooter shows him that sometimes you don't win if you play life by the rules. And James shows Shooter that sometimes it's better to play by the rules.

Together they complete their mission: assassinating everyone in Paris. In the process, Shooter discovers that his wife was actually assassinated, and the culprit was none other than Ignachuck! Shooter seeks his revenge, which concludes with a battle-to-the-death with rakes and garden hoses that can only be described as “majestic.”

“Ironic that I'm assassinating you, isn't it Ignachuck?” says Shooter.

“Uhhhhrrkk!” says Ignachuck.

“Say hi to my dead wife for me!”

4 out of 5 stars.

When in Rome

2010-01-26T15:48:00.000-08:00

I'm surprised that Kristen Bell was cast as the lead in a romantic comedy after the heartless way she treated Jason Segel's character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. And before you all start coming out of the woodwork to attack me as if I were some cornered zebra, yes, I know she was just acting. I get that.

But that doesn't change the fact Segel loved her without question, and like some bloodthirsty zebra, she tore his heart out.

I took drama class in high school. I think I know what “acting” is, okay? She was acting. He was acting. Everyone was acting. Are you happy?

Still though, you have to be one cold bitch to cheat on your boyfriend of five years with that sleazy European guy.

Again with the acting! Is that all you people think about? Does that excuse someone's behavior? Oh, I killed my wife. But guess what, I was acting!

No. You get a grip on reality.

4 out of 5 stars.

The Tooth Fairy

2010-01-19T14:32:00.000-08:00

In the arena of movies based on supernatural childhood icons, there were only two titles that I would consider “unforgettable:” Tim Allen's stern and unforgiving interpretation of Santa in The Santa Clause and Chloe Sevigny's unforgettable portrayal of the Easter Bunny in The Brown Bunny. I can finally add a third title to my list, as Dwayne “Alcatraz” Johnson's moving performance in The Tooth Fairy will certainly be the talk of the town for months to come.

For those unfamiliar with Tooth Fairy lore, I will briefly summarize it here.

In some families, parents tell their children to save any tooth that falls out of their mouths, and hide it under their pillow. The Tooth Fairy will visit the lucky child while they are asleep, recover the tooth, and place a monetary reward in return.

This incentive, as you might imagine, causes many children to “expedite” the natural tooth-losing process. They will give extra attention to loose teeth, and even agitate non-loose teeth until they are ready to fall out. Many children have also been known to create fake teeth. The market for fakies or white wickers as they are commonly referred to, has been steadily growing for many years. Common techniques include painting a dried kernel of corn, or using a small piece of chalk.

In response, Tooth Fairies have become increasingly more skilled at spotting fake teeth, and punish the offending children by giving them small bites on the neck (while known humorously as “fairy hickies,” they are actually quite serious, as many Tooth Fairies have Hepatitis B and rabies). While this has certainly damaged the fake tooth market, it has had the unintended consequence of giving rise to an even more disturbing practice known as “substutition.” This is where a group of children will capture a physically weak child, and proceed to remove his or her teeth by any means they can. Usually performed during a recess at school, the group is forced to act quickly, which often results in their methods being exceptionally brutal.

Some facts about Tooth Fairies:

They are magic, winged creatures that collect children's teeth.
While the Catholic Church believes them to be fallen angels, there is no hard evidence that Tooth Fairies align themselves with either God or Lucifer. They are mostly likely free agents.
No one knows why Tooth Fairies collect teeth, although there has been much speculation over the years. Albert Einstein once went on record that the teeth were most likely being used to create a “giant and totally gross birthday cake for the United States' three hundredth birthday.” Einstein, however, retracted his own statement the very next day, saying that he was very drunk when he made it.
Tooth Fairies will only visit you if you let your parents know that you lost a tooth. This is because your parents have a special radio they use to contact the Tooth Fairy Base. No, you can't see the radio or else the Tooth Fairy won't come at all. Would that make you happy?

4 out of 5 stars.

Everybody's Fine: Guest Review by Uncle Carl

2009-12-11T17:06:00.000-08:00

Everybody’s Fine. Oh really? Well I say everybody is NOT fine. In fact nobody is fine, and nobody in the theater could hear a word of the movie over my maniacal, hyena-like laughing that roared like a conductor-less train through 95 minutes of ice-slipping and awkward family dinners. Also, there’s fucking.

That this holiday thriller manages to deftly portray the trauma of sexual abuse in the workplace serves as a footnote to more important cinematic issues. First, the popcorn I purchased was buttered much too heavily for all but the most eggnog-inebriated of office party co-workers. Second, I think the soda fountain mixing ratio was fucked up, because my Dr. Pepper tasted a lot like the generic Dr. Thunder, which, if you’ve ever had, you’ll know is for poor people.

All plot issues aside, Robert DeNiro (of Hootie & the Blowfish fame) manages to turn in a heart-wrenching performance as Cliff Buckworth, a particularly naughty photocopier repairman. The canoodling couple in front of me who couldn’t be pried apart with a crowbar unfortunately missed Cliff’s climactic burning Christmas tree scene because they were burning some Christmas trees of their own.

Veteran director Kirk Jones, fresh off his Santa Monica hit and run acquittal, seems to have suffered more than just fender damage from the ordeal; he’s clearly forgotten the lessons he learned from TreeSaurus and Burn Wagon 2: The Long Ride Home, which is to say: write more jokes. In fact the only reason I laughed through this entire slow-moving shit-wagon of a movie is because after the first ten minutes I put on my headphones and listened to Louis C.K. stand-up.

5 out of 5 stars.

New Moon

2009-11-30T11:42:00.000-08:00

In New Moon, Edward and Bella learn that having a high school relationship where one of you is a human and the other is vampire is not just a fun-filled sex romp. One of you will inevitably want to suck the other's blood, and both of you will be really emo about everything.

Laden with themes of teenage sex and bestiality, New Moon is a romantic tale that will certainly titillate everyone; from the prepubescent girl to the socially disturbed forty-something man.

4 out of 5 stars.

The Road

2009-11-23T22:14:00.000-08:00

The Road is an offbeat romantic comedy in which ever-charming Hollywood hunk Viggo Mortenson plays a single parent searching for love and food in a quirky post-apocalyptic wasteland.

Life throws a lot of things between Mortenson and love; cannibals, starvation, crazy neighbors, you name it. In one hilarious scene, Mortenson meets an attractive, single pregnant woman! Could this person be the one he was waiting for? Only to discover that she consumes her own baby after giving birth to it (gross!).

The Road is based on the Cormac McCarthy novel of the same name. McCarthy had this to say about his novel, "When I wrote The Road, I wanted to hold a mirror up to society so that we can all see just how silly we are sometimes. Life is a road we all walk upon, and it's meant to be fun. People need to stop taking themselves so seriously. And that's why I, Cormac McCarthy, wrote The Road."

I won't spoil the surprise ending, but let's just say that Mortenson learns a thing or two about being a daddy.

Fantastic Mr. Fox

2009-11-17T18:34:00.000-08:00

If Roald Dahl came back from the dead, and saw all that several of his books have been made or remade into successful movies, he'd probably ask the single question that is at the forefront of all hardcore Roald Dahl fans' minds: why aren't there any children being killed and/or eaten in any of these movies?

A lot of people will probably come to the defense of the films, saying that it is inappropriate to have children killed and/or eaten in movies that are made primarily for children. Or that children aren't actually eaten in Matilda, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and Fantastic Mr. Fox.

To these people, I say there are certainly children eaten in all of those stories; you just need to learn how to read between the lines. And furthermore, there was never any greater advocate of child consumption than Roald Dahl himself. The only thing he liked more than eating children was eating children in front of other children he was going to eat later.

I seem to remember an enormous crocodile just all of a sudden deciding that he wants to eat some fucking children for lunch. So what does he do? He goes into town, and brags to everyone he sees on the way about the carnage to be. What am I talking about? Some fucked-up fever dream I had? No. That's the actual plot of The Enormous Crocodile, a book written by Dahl for readers aged 5 and up (probably the only reason it's targeted for kids so young is that the crocodile doesn't get to eat the kids in the end. Instead he just gets thrown into outer space, and into the fucking sun!)

If Roald Dahl were alive today, I guarantee you he would be in Wes Anderson's office right now, demanding that more children be dismembered and gobbled up by whatever horrible creatures were in his fantastic brain that day. And I'll tell you what, he doesn't care that none of that happened in Fantastic Mr. Fox either. Fuck it – let's throw some giants in there who go around and eat orphans like they're candy, is what he would say.

God rest your soul, Mr. Dahl.

4 out of 5 stars.

The Box

2009-11-02T09:53:00.000-08:00

In The Box, a couple is given the answer to their financial woes: if they open the box, they receive one million dollars, and someone they don't know dies.

Basically, it's the perfect invention. It has the power to generate a virtually endless stream of cash (limited to the population of Earth, I assume), while at the same time, its killing power is not compromised.

Imagine you have a gun that freaking turns people into gold whenever you shoot them with it. This box is even better than that gun, because you don't have to lug around golden corpses everywhere (very heavy), and you don't have to deal with that cocky know-it-all behind the counter at Cash 4 Gold. “Where do you keep getting these golden statues?” and “Why do all of them look they've just been shot?”

Look, Cash 4 Gold guy. You've got two jobs, and two jobs only: One. Melt down the golden corpses I give you, and two, pay me a fair market price.

The only disadvantage to the box that I can see is that it kills people you don't know. The gun that turns people into gold, on the other hand, allows you to target anyone you want. This is a big plus if you have a lot of enemies that you would like to be made into gold. On the other hand, I suppose if you have the box, you can just get the million dollars and then buy a regular gun.

So all in all, if faced with the option, go for the box.

4 out of 5 stars.

A Christmas Carol

2009-10-25T10:56:00.000-07:00

A Christmas Carol
Starring: Jim Carrey
Dir: Robert Zemeckis
Runtime: 1 hr 36 mins

In the midst of our hard financial times, money has never been more important to people, which is why this classic Dickens' tale, reinforcing the value of money, is particularly timely.

Scrooge, a hardworking man who has selflessly sacrificed his personal happiness in order to enrich society in the way only a money-lender can, is perpetually bombarded by freeloaders and beggars.

On top of all that, his only employee Bob Cratchit has the nerve to request a half-day to be with his family on Christmas. It's almost as if Cratchit is intentionally trying to antagonize Scrooge by bragging about having a family to him.

In the end, ghosts finally achieve what all the beggars and societal pressures could not: driving Scrooge mad.

It is an old story with a familiar moral message, and although it's been said so many times before, you can never hear it enough: You can have all the money in the world, but it won't matter if ghosts can get into your house and make you crazy, and trick you into giving all your money away.

Enjoy this Christmas, readers, and please remember to ghost-proof your dwelling.

4 out of 5 stars.

Saw VI

2009-10-18T10:36:00.000-07:00

How to Survive in the Saw Series

The Saw franchise has successfully created one of the most twisted, diabolical villains of all time. A villain who wants you to appreciate life and live to the fullest.

No thank you, Jigsaw. I won't give up spending Saturday nights at home watching reruns of the Simpsons, and eating ice cream for dinner just because there's nothing else to eat, and I need to end my hunger somehow.

If you're anything like me, then you've spent many years crafting a cynical, slightly depressed, and highly materialistic outlook on life, and there's no way you're going to give that up just because some psycho wants to kidnap you and torture you.

Well, lucky for you, you don't have to. The solution is simple: just don't get kidnapped. Sounds easy? That's because it is! All you need to do is become really, really paranoid.

Say you pour yourself a glass of water, and then you leave the room for a few minutes and then come back. You'd probably drink that water, right? I'm telling you right now: don't drink that water! It could have been drugged while you were in the other room.

Here's another little rule I call: lights on/lights off. You make a choice whether you want all the lights in your house on ALL of the time or NONE of the time. If the lights are on all of the time, then you never have to worry about someone hiding in a darkened room waiting to attack you. If the lights are always off (my choice, both cost-wise and aesthetically), your eyes (and your psyche) will adjust to the perpetual gloom of your existence. This will give you the advantage when a kidnapper inevitably breaks into your house, as he will most likely be accustomed to "normal lighting conditions."

All the victims in Saw made classic mistakes. Mistakes like:

1. Driving a car,
2. Leaving their house,
3. Eating food,
4. Trusting anyone,
and of course: 5. Sleeping.

All of this advice and more will be included in my upcoming book "What They Didn't Teach Me in College."

4 out 5 stars.

New York, I Love You

2009-10-13T18:07:00.000-07:00

Starring: Tiffany Pollard

Runtime: 1 hr 50 mins

The TV series "I Love New York" was okay - but let's be honest, it was no Flavor of Love. So when I heard they were actually going to make a movie based on "I Love New York," I was skeptical. Then I was excited. Then I was hungry, so I ate some bean dip. Then I was excited again. Then I was sick (the bean dip, I'm pretty sure). Then I forgot about the movie for about two days. Then I remembered, and I thought: sure, I'll give that a chance.

Remember how bad everyone thought "The Real World: The Real Movie" was going to be? And then it turned out to have a surprise ending that moved everyone in the audience to tears? And then it turned out that they never actually made that movie, and it was all just a really detailed dream I had on the airplane after eating some bad bean dip? Now that I think about it, I don't know why you would remember that.

I have to say: this movie is not what I was expecting. Brace yourself fans, because Tiffany Pollard isn't even in the final cut of this movie.

The movie doesn't really follow the plot of the television series either, which was confusing and disorienting for the first half an hour (when were they going to eliminate someone?). By the end, I was beginning to accept this movie as an entity on its own terms.

The stories told in this movie are so heartfelt and beautiful, that it doesn't even matter that they diverge from the original plot of the TV series.

4 out of 5 stars.

Where the Wild Things Are

2009-10-05T08:53:00.000-07:00

Dir: Spike Jonze
Starring: Max Records

This movie was completely unrealistic. Giant talking beasts walking around, and talking? Are we supposed to believe that this actually happened? It's just silly to believe in talking beasts and magical lands. It's time for everyone to just grow up, and learn how to function in the real world.

We, as a culture, have to move on from these ridiculous fantasies. Whatever make-believe worlds we thought we saw when we were kids were obviously just a result of all those stupid cartoons we were watching, and eating too much chocolate. All the doctors agree that too much sweets, coupled with an overactive imagination can induce vivid, realistic dreams that can be difficult for a ten year old boy to distinguish from reality. But by simply eliminating the cartoons, cutting back on the chocolate, and adding years of psychotherapy, the child can be readjusted for society.

Even if the boy still sees these make-believe creatures when he gets a little older, and he's definitely not sleeping, and the creatures talk to him, and ask him to join them in their merry dances and reveries, he will know better than to do so, because he's been told over and over again that these are just illusions invented by his overactive mind, and he should take a couple of the pills and go for a walk outside or something.

The boy, now a grown man, has been monster-free for several years now, and is finally becoming used to seeing the world as other people must see it, when what should come along but a freaking movie featuring the exact sorts of creatures he'd been seeing throughout his childhood.

Honestly, what are we supposed to think about this movie?

2 out of 5 stars.

Gamer

2009-08-30T11:44:00.001-07:00

In a twisted near-future, criminals are inserted into video games, where they fight to the death with one another for their freedom. The game finds huge success, because everyone agrees that the more realistically you can kill someone, the more fun you're probably having.

The main character is a criminal named Kable, who finds himself under the control of a gamer whiz named Simon. They have to learn to put their differences aside while they play the game – Kable for his freedom, and Simon for the glory of winning Gamer of the Month.

Eventually people realize that killing people in real life is even more realistic (and therefore exponentially more fun) than killing people through a real person inside a video game. The “Murder Bill” (also known as the “Kill Bill”) is finally passed through Congress, and people just go nuts with it. Imagine Battle Royale, but for the entire world.

Finally, after like three hours, the movie goes back to Simon and Kable, who apparently freed himself from the game. Kable surveys the war-torn planet, and says grimly, “Look at what's happened to mankind, we've become as bad as the game.”

Simon doesn't say anything, because while Kable was talking, he was transformed into a real goat! Just like that! “What the fuck!” says Kable.

“Save me,” pleads Simon the goat (he can talk now. It was just during the transformation itself that he couldn't talk).

“I will,” says Kable. Kable goes off in search of the wizard who did this to his friend. But some things come up. His sister is having a baby, and his friend is having a BBQ on Sunday, and he eventually just forgets about it and moves on with his life.

4 out of 5 stars.

The Final Destination

2009-08-24T17:52:00.001-07:00

The Final Destination is a movie about some guy who has premonitions about horrible disasters. He is able to warn people and save them from death itself! I can only imagine what happens next is that this person travels the world saving people from catastrophes. I couldn't sit there and watch the rest of the movie while potential disasters were about to happen everywhere. I had to do something to stop them!

I ran into the lobby of the theatre, and I concentrated really hard until I started having some premonitions of my own. I could see the people in this very lobby, screaming. They were scalded... by hot butter. It was horrible. Suddenly I knew. It was the popcorn machine - it was going to explode, and the butter was going to burn them real bad!

"Everyone needs to leave!" I shouted. "The popcorn machine, she's going to blow!" I threw myself on the ground, and covered my face with my hands to protect myself from the imminent disaster.

Everyone was talking at once, it seemed, as they all presumably scurried to safety, or protected their faces like me (I couldn't see because I was protecting my own face). "It's okay everyone," said a concession stand worker a short while later. "The popcorn machine is fine."

Thank God, I thought.

Thanks to my premonition, this noble concession stand worker was able to stop the popcorn machine from exploding in the nick of time. I knew then that I must use my gift to save as many people as I could.

On the escalator, I premonitioned that the lady in front of me was going to get her heel stuck, and she, unable to detach from her shoe, would be dragged under the escalator, and then back up to the top of the escalator. This would continue to happen, over and over.

I shoved her as hard as I could, and she fell forward off the escalator, onto the safe, firm movie theatre carpet. "I just saved your life," I whispered as I hopped over her.

Once outside in the parking lot, I envisioned a herd of elephants trampling the cars, and then trampling the people, and finally the movie theatre itself. Nothing was safe from their stomp-happy feet and their deadly stab-wanting tusks.

So lost was I in my terrible, elephantine premonition that I didn't see the car until after it had struck me. Physically I had suffered minimal damage - a few scrapes and bruises. But the premonitions have stopped.

My only regret is that I did not capitalize on my ability while it lasted.

4 out of 5 stars.

Legally Blondes

2009-08-11T16:15:00.000-07:00

A lot has happened since the movie Legally Blonde was released in the mid-eighties. Since then there has been a hit broadway show, and two very successful* sequels, including the most recent straight-to-DVD Legally Blondes.

But one thing hasn't changed. Blondes everywhere are still constantly complaining that their intelligence is being judged because of their hair color.

I decided to do a little investigative journalism to see if their claims are valid. I wore a blonde wig for a week to see if people would treat this blonde differently.

Here's a record of what happened:

8/2 - Bought a beautiful blonde wig that fits my head like a glove, but for my head.

8/3 - Went to work today. Everyone wanted to know what was up with the wig. Decided I need to take my social experiment to a place where people don't already know I'm not a natural blonde.

8/4 - Called in sick to work. Walked around town. People were looking at my hair, and giving me weird looks. I never realized how much blonde hair makes you stick out.

8/5 - Called in sick again. Spent the day trying to get a small business loan from Bank of America. In the end, I was unable to get the loan due to having "no references" and "no business plan." But I think it's really because of the golden mane on my head.

8/6 - Weird day. Found myself trapped on a desert island with a brunette, a redhead, and a magic lamp. The brunette and redhead wished themselves off the island. I wished them back onto the island.

8/7 - Got a message from work warning me to "stop abusing my sick days." I find it interesting that I didn't receive this warning back when I was abusing my sick days before I became blonde.

8/8 - One week has passed. With the experiment over, I went to return the wig to the wig shop. They refused to take it back on the grounds that it looked as though the wig had been "run over several times with a car." It had only been run over by a car twice, and a bicycle once.

The results of my week-long experiment speak are disturbing to say the least. It's a shame that our society at large remains so narrow-minded, even with progressive movies out there such as Legally Blondes.

*Successful in spirit

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

2009-08-03T19:32:00.000-07:00

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Starring: Our brothers and sisters in uniform
Dir: Stephen Sommers
Runtime: 1 hr 58 mins

How to: Build your own Accelerator Suit

Let's face it. We all want Accelerator Suits, but getting into the army is tough. Between needing to not have been convicted of any felonies, and not being in a gay marriage or having previously been gay married or attempting to get gay married, it is a precious few of us that are eligible for consideration for the general infantry of the US Army. And that's not even counting all those ineligible simply because they currently have an infectious and contagious disease. There is a reason it's called "An Army of One” - there's like one person in the country who can meet these outrageous standards.

If you're like most of us, you've got at least one or two or three of the above items holding you back from joining the army. That's okay. The only reason anyone wants to get into the army these days is to get their hands on an Accelerator Suit (featured in the newly released movie G.I. Joe). And now you don't need to join the army, because you can build your own Accelerator Suit by following my simple instructions.

First I would like to note that Accelerator Suits are the most dangerous kind of suit there is, with the possible exception of Poison Arrow Frog Suits. Any attempt to actually use this suit without proper G.I. Joe training would likely result in your dismemberment and death, and the dismemberment of your loved ones.

Please do not attempt to actually build this suit. Following these simple instructions will likely result in (even more) felonies for you and your loved ones, and the breaking of up to and including five international treaties. These impossibly simple instructions are for entertainment purposes only.

Should you attempt to build this suit despite my warnings, please do not make Youtube videos of it, and email the links to guy.who.reviews.movies@gmail.com, because I will not post them, as doing so could be construed as implicit encouragement of making these very dangerous, yet surprisingly easy to make suits.

NOTE: Due to a somewhat aggressive letter from General P_____ from the Pentagon, I have been "asked" to remove certain parts of Steps 2 and 3. If this bothers you as much as it should, please write to your local congressman.

Step 1: You will need some baking soda and vinegar. You will also need about 1 kg of weapons-grade plutonium. If you can't procure weapons-grade plutonium, any sort of regular-grade plutonium should suffice and even "I Can't Believe it's Not Plutonium!" will work in a pinch.

Step 2: Take the ______________ in ______________. Be careful when ______________ no less than seven times.

Step 3: ______________ a cat. ______________ the ______________
sticky, along with the distinct smell of human ______________.

Step 4: Build and program an automatic data interchange system. This system should feature a standard repeating process loop. Alternatively, you can take an old computer and glue the computer chips to your suit. Duct tape will work if you don't have glue. Doritos will work if you don't have a computer.

Step 5: Put it to the test! Get on top of your house * and jump down**. If you built the suit correctly, you should be flying above your neighborhood by this time. If you didn't build your suit correctly, attempt to angle your body so that the fall from the roof kills you, because your exposure to the plutonium will likely result in a much more painful death.

*Don't do this.
**Definitely don't do this, and don't video tape it.

4 out of 5 stars, why not.

G-Force

2009-07-29T17:51:00.000-07:00

G-Force
Dir: Hoyt Yeatman
Starring: Bill Nighy, Will Arnett, Zach Galifianakis
Runtime: 1 hr. 29 mins

Hello Chaps, Arthur here.

It was not my plan to have my first entry on the magic glowing paper throw my sanity into question. Something very peculiar happened while watching G-Force. I feel I must relate these events to you, even though in doing so I risk my reputation.
Since I know of no other way to prepare you, I shall simply tell you forthwith:

The hamsters were talking.

At first I thought I was imagining it. Someone off-screen had spoken, and the hamsters had appeared in such a way that my eyes and ears were deceived. But when it happened again and again, there was no mistaking. The hamsters were speaking.

Still I resisted the notion, my rational mind holding out for a further explanation against what my heart already knew was true. I reasoned that this must be some sort of untold magic, or perhaps a clever and very skilled ventriloquist.

But no man or witchcraft could hide the truth. The truth that spoke with the Queen's English; with syntax and inflection that would make the Bard himself jealous.

I looked around the theatre to see how others were handling this unfathomable occurrence, but their eyes were fixed on the screen, and their placid smiles spoke of nothing out of the ordinary.

How peculiar, I thought, for this crowd to take such an unbelievable phenomenon so easily. But all mysteries have answers, and the answer to this one came to me rather quickly. I must be the only one who could hear them.

I felt an overwhelming sense of importance and duty. Perhaps I am the only man in history with this gift. I had visions of bridging the gap between animal and man.

The hamsters told me many things that day, but sadly none of it worth repeating. They spoke the secrets of their people. Crude and degrading things. Fornication and eating children.

However, I did feel a union of minds with Agent Juarez, a seductive mistress of martial arts. Were she only human, and much older, and also a time traveler such as myself, I think I would have found my other half.

Alas, Arthur, alas.

4 out of 5 royal jewels

Welcoming Arthur Haypenny: Time Traveler, Blogger, Gentleman

2009-07-27T18:51:00.000-07:00

Dear friends, please join me in welcoming to our century the esteemed Sir Arthur Haypenny III. He is a time traveler of no small renown, and is presently the only remaining subject of Her Majesty, the late Queen Victoria.

Sir Haypenny has traveled all the way from his native 19th century for no other reason than to assist me in reviewing movies (apparently he has traveled far into the future and discovered that this blog is somehow tied into our survival as a race, or something. It became increasingly difficult, past a certain point, to pay attention to his story).

In the short time he has been here, Arthur has already begun to assimilate to our futuristic way of life. He has taken residence on my couch, and has become quite familiar with the TV (he calls it the witch box), and ordering pizza on the telephone (he calls it the witch-talker). Other than screaming at the toaster, he’s a regular 21st century man... other than the fact he’s come from the past to save the future through a somewhat convoluted and questionable means.

Nevertheless, I'm certain that his 19th century commentary on the movies of today will provide us insight into our own lives, and blah blah blah.

Welcome Arthur.

Orphan

2009-07-20T16:36:00.000-07:00

Orphan

Dir: Jaume Collet-Serra

Starring: Peter Sarsgaard, Isabelle Fuhrman

Runtime: 2 hrs 3 mins

Horror Movie Survival Tactics : Orphan

Sometimes all you need to do to survive is avoid making a monumentally stupid decision. For instance, in Orphan, right off the bat the parents make the critical mistake of adoption.

Never adopt anyone or anything. Nothing good can come of it. You can ask those little kids all the questions, run all the psychological tests on them, but at the end of the day, you don't know where they've been.

The lesson I'm trying to impart to you is: don't take shortcuts. Especially when it comes to making babies. At least when you make a baby from scratch, you know where that baby is every step of the way (except when you leave it in the car to buy groceries).

So you're set on adopting a child. Alright fine. At the very least, let's not adopt the creepiest looking kid in the entire orphanage. Avoid any children with extremely light or extremely dark features - for instance soul-penetrating blue eyes is a pass. The same goes for any child whose eyes are like staring into the cold, blackness of Death. Just go for someone in the middle, preferably with average to low intelligence.

Remember, you're looking for an average kid, who is not going to use its supernatural powers to open a gateway to Hell in your basement. Also, if the child has a British accent, skip it. Even if you're in the UK, you would do well to keep looking.

Finally, adopt a boy. I can't stress this enough. You're at least four times less likely to get a child born of Satan if its male. I'm not being sexist - I'm just telling you how it is.

Once you have the orphan living in your house, you must be wary of it at all times. Test your orphan to see if she has any uncanny abilities that portend witchery. When she's not looking at you, throw a stapler or something at her head. If she catches it at the last moment, there is a good chance she's got a demon or a ghost inside of her. If she just takes a hit with the stapler, it's a good sign to be sure, and you should apologize.

But at the same time, don't apologize too much. And don't let down your guard. She is probably just holding back her powers.

If you ever wake up to find her staring down at you, just reach out your arms and start strangling, and don't stop. Or at the very least, knock her unconscious, put her in the trunk of your car, and drive them both off a pier.

If for some incomprehensible reason you decide to allow the creepy staring to slide, be on your toes for anything. If she suddenly appears behind doors, or if you start hearing creepy music coming from nowhere, now is the time to run to the shed, grab the gasoline and the shotgun, and set your house on fire. Don't wait for something to actually happen. By that time, it will already be too late. Gasoline. House on fire. Now.

Stand at the front door with the shotgun, and shoot anything or anyone that comes out. This includes your "family." At this point there is at least a 60% chance that your family is under some sort of spell, or they are really actually her and she's a shapeshifter. And of course there is always a chance that they are zombies. Never discount the possibility of zombies.

After you watch the house burn to the ground, approach your car in a calm, controlled manner. Unload three or four rounds into the backseat. Don't even look in the backseat until you've done this. Then floor it. Drive until you find a junkyard with a car crusher. Leave your old car to be crushed, and get a new one. Keep driving until you've put at least a thousand miles between you and the ashes of your old life. At this time, you can start looking for a town where you can start over.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

2009-07-13T19:59:00.000-07:00

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Starring: Daniel Radcliffe, Christoper Lee
Dir: David Yates
Runtime: 2 hrs 33 mins

The latest Harry Potter movie takes a darker than usual turn, when it is revealed that the ever-fluctuating position of Professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts has been filled this year by Satan (Christoper Lee), in what seems to be an exceptionally poor choice, even for for the Hogwarts adminstration.

Harry and his friends learn many new spells and rituals through the awesome power that Satan grants them. This is a marked difference from the books, wherein Satan plays a mere advisory role to the children, more of a father figure to the orphaned Harry.

Do yourself a favor and drop those extra three bucks for the 3D version. Seeing the snakes jump off the screen in the scene where the children sacrifice Hermione to their new teacher is really even better than the trailer makes it seem.

*SPOILER*

Religious parents, rest easy. Towards the end of the film, the Dark Lord Satan is revealed to be in cahoots with the Dark Lord Voldemort, who we all know is evil. In the end, Satan is killed by Harry. He is crucified upside down, and the children of Hogwarts drink his blood. Harry, mouth dripping with the blood of Lucifer, screams to the children: “Let this be a warning to all who betray me! I shall crucify you upside down and share your blood with my friends!”

It's refreshing when a children's movie is built upon a solid moral foundation. And this one is very clear: stay away from Satan, kids. Even though he'd give you awesome wizard powers, it's not worth it because he works for Voldemort and is evil.

5 out of 5 pentagrams.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

2009-06-21T15:23:00.000-07:00

Prayer to Optimus Prime

Please

let me
Transform
today

I would be
so much
More

if I could
just
Bore

Holes in the
wall with
a Ray

that comes
out of my
eyes

and melts
those I
despise

into a
pile
of clay

The Proposal

2009-06-16T09:36:00.000-07:00

The Proposal
Dir: Jon Swift
Starring: Sandra Bullock, Ryan Reynolds
Runtime: 1 hr 47 mins

The Proposal (working title: The Modest Proposal) is a deliciously quirky romantic comedy, in which Ryan Reynolds plays an overworked and underappreciated secretary to a powerful business tycoon (Sandra Bullock). Bullock’s life is perfect (or so she thinks) until she finds out she’s being deported back to Canada unless she can obtain a green card, and fast.

Bullock learns that green cards are not easy to come by, as she attempts to marry homeless man after homeless man in a hilarious homeless marriage montage. Each homeless marriage doesn’t work out for one reason or another: one homeless man refuses to marry for less than true love, another one stabs her with a rusty fork three times, and another turns out to be gay. The montage is done to the song “Safety Dance.”

Bullock sits in her dark office, on the verge of tears. What is she going to do? At that very moment, Reynolds shuffles into her office. He knows she’s in a foul mood, and he’s liable to be chewed out for the slightest infraction. “Here are those Canadian labels you wanted,” he mumbles barely audibly.

“Did you say Canadian babies?”

“No, I—”

“That’s brilliant!” interrupts Bullock, madness gleaming in her eye. “All this time, I’ve been trying to find ways to prove that I’m American. But all I really need to do is prove that I’m not Canadian.”

“I really don’t think that’s how—”

“And what’s the one thing a true Canadian would never do?”

Reynolds gulps. “Uh… Cheer for an American hockey team?” He smiles nervously, hoping against hope that this is all she’s after, but something in her voice tells him it’s not.

“No. The one thing a Canadian would never do is eat a Canadian baby!”

“Ahh, yes,” says Reynolds, as he backs away towards the door.

“C’mon,” she says, grabbing him by the arm. “We’re going to get some dinner.”

“Can we get Italian? I’ve been craving pasta all day.”

“No… We’re getting Canadian.”

Reynolds drives Bullock to Canada. They cruise around the suburbs, until she spots a young woman pushing a baby carriage along the sidewalk. Bullock dashes out and grabs the baby.
“Drive, drive!” When she unfurls the blanket, the “baby” is revealed to be nothing more than a doll. “Blast! Let’s find another one.”

Another hilarious montage ensues, in which Reynolds and Bullock raid baby carriage after baby carriage in an attempt to kidnap a Canadian baby they intend to kill and eat (played to “Don’t Stop Believing”). In various carriages they find a sack full of cans, a baby-shaped potato, a cinder block, and a sack full of kittens. They are about to eat the potato and call it a day, when they spot one last baby carriage.

“It doesn’t matter,” says Bullock. “It’s not going to have a baby in it anyway. There’s not a single baby in this entire country.”

“You can’t just give up on your dream now,” says Reynolds. “It doesn’t matter that you came up with it last night, or that it’s completely psychotic and evil. It’s your dream, and you’re so close. Now go eat that baby!”

“You’re right!” Bullock dashes out of the car one more time, and grabs the bundle from the carriage. She can hardly believe it; it’s a real baby! She opens wide, preparing for a nice mouthful.

“Hey!” the mother yells. “Put down my baby!”

“Say that again,” Bullock says, her voice shaking.

“I said put down my baby, you freak!”

Bullock lowers the baby back into the carriage. She can’t believe it. She was so close to eating a real baby. “Where are you from?” Bullock asks. But she already knows the answer.

“I’m from Brooklyn, you crazy bitch. Now get away from me before I call the police.”

Reynolds puts his arm on her shoulder. “You want to go home?” She nods.

As they ride back, Reynolds consoles her, and after a short while, they’re laughing deep belly laughs at the silliness of life. He is completely charming, and they realize that they were in love the entire time. They are promptly married, and Bullock gets her green card and gets to stay in the United States. The end.

4 out of 5 stars.

The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3

2009-06-10T07:13:00.000-07:00

The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3
Dir: Tony Scott
Starring: John Travolta, Denzel Washington
Runtime: 1 hr 46 mins

The Taking of Pelham 123 is a non-stop thrill ride under the city of New York, and maybe even into outer space. A criminal mastermind (Travolta) hijacks a subway train with one simple goal in mind: he wants to take Pelham 123 all the way to the moon. He doesn't want any money; he has no political agenda. All he wants to do is get that subway train with himself, and the hijacked passengers, onto the Earth's moon.

The main plot is broken up with a series of flashbacks, in which a young Travolta stares longingly at the moon, establishing the lunar obsession that will one day cause him to hijack a train. "Papa" the moonstruck boy says, "One day, I want to ride a subway up there, up there on the moon!"

"You shut your yapper about all this moon mumbo jumbo," his father slurs. The heavy stench of dessert wine practically wafts off the screen. "Ain't no subway ever going to be on the moon." Then his father beats him. He beats him for dreaming the same dreams he himself once dreamt as a young boy. Dreams that could never be more than dreams. He wants his son to forget these silly dreams of subways and moons.

But the boy never forgets them. If anything, the beatings only harden his will to succeed.

A simple man (Washington) goes work at his simple job of controlling New York's subways. It's not the most exciting job in the world, and that's just the way he likes it. He has several cop buddies who go after the real bad guys. The only "bad guy" Washington has to deal with is the occasional late train. Speaking of which, it looks like Pelham 123 is stuck.

"Pelham 123, respond," says Washington into the phone, expecting the train's operator to respond with something about signal problems, or perhaps a joke about molemen blocking the tracks.

Instead there is only a sinister laugh.

"Who is this?" demands Washington.

"This is the man who is going to take this subway to the moon! If I don't get on the moon in 59 minutes, in this train, I'm going to start killing hostages!"

Negotiations begin as the clock runs down. Washington offers money, but Travolta will not compromise on his one demand.

"I've spoken to NASA," says Washington. "There's going to be a moon mission in three months. We've worked out an agreement that if you give yourself up peacefully, we can put you on that shuttle, under police custody of course."

"You don't understand, do you?" screams Travolta. "This isn't about getting to the moon in one of your fancy space shuttles. This is about getting to the moon on the subway."

"I'm trying to work with you," pleads Washington "But there are no tracks that go to the moon. Subways go underground; the moon is in outer space. Please, listen to me!"

"Life is simple now. You just have to get this train on the moon," Travolta screams, and then hangs up.

*Spoiler Alert*

Washington comes up with a plan that's just crazy enough to work. Local residents cooperate, as they transform Pelham 123's next stop to look like the moon. They even remove the tile lettering of "34th Street" and replace them with "The Moon."

Washington announces over the train intercom, "Next stop- the moon!"

The subway pulls into Moon Station. A euphoric Travolta exits the train, and is promptly tackled by the "moon police" and dragged off to "moon jail." Travolta doesn't even care; his dream has come true. But his cell-mate, Travis, reveals the disturbing truth to Travolta in a poignant final scene.

"This ain't no moon jail, man. This is just jail. We on Earth. Look around you, man. We on Earth."

We on Earth.

4 out of 5 stars.

Star Trek

2009-05-26T11:36:00.000-07:00

Star Trek

Dir: George Lucas

Starring: Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto

Runtime: 2 hrs 7 mins

The Star Trek series has inspired generations to build their own spaceships out of junkyard scraps, electrical tape, imagination, and gasoline. And it will continue to inspire us as long as our imaginations are alive, or until they put a better lock on that fence around the junkyard.

Star Trek introduces Captain James T. Kirk, a strapping young spaceship captain who I hope to learn more about. The way his character is portrayed in the movie makes him seem almost familiar, as if there is a great history behind this newly invented protagonist. Perhaps in a later movie, we will find out that he's Neo's father, or that he invented light sabres, or something like that.

Many Star Trek fans will be disappointed to find that there no light sabres in the newest Star Trek movie. But the true Trekkers will know that this is a prequel, and that light sabres haven't been invented yet. Trekkers will rejoice, however, to find that the hated character of Jar Jar Binks has yet to be born.

This is an entirely different movie than the others in the Star Trek series. The universe is a different place. We're not talking about Luke Skywalker's grandparents here. We're talking about his great-great grandparents. Even the Evil Overlord of Outer Space, Darth Vader, isn't in this movie.

Although vastly different from what Trekkers have seen before, Star Trek takes you on a rickety, gasoline-propelled thrill ride through Outer Space that will leave everyone in the audience wanting to go to "Infinity and Beyond!" again and again.

4 out of 5 stars.

Crank: High Voltage

2009-04-13T20:05:00.000-07:00

Crank: High Voltage

Dir: Mark Neveldine, Brian Taylor

Starring: Jason Statham, Amy Smart

Runtime: 1 hr 36 mins

Jason Statham returns to wreck havoc on those who have done him wrong. This movie opens with a memorable motorcycle chase that begins on the back of a blue whale and ends with Statham’s fist going through the head of one of the bad guys. Or maybe Statham is actually the bad guy. You don’t really know.

This movie plays with the antiquated Hollywood “Western” (by Western, I mean both the genre and the culture/ideology) paradigm that good and evil are polar opposites, and that people fall into one group or the other. If I wear a black hat, do I not also feel? This is just one of the high-minded themes that Crank: High Voltage attempts to tackle in its epic ninety-six minutes of heart-pounding intellectualism.

A Chinese gangster steals Statham’s heart. Let’s examine this for a moment. Let’s examine this for several moments, because it’s the most brilliantly crafted metaphor since Shakespeare invented metaphors.

The concept of stealing someone’s heart as a way to communicate love for someone has a disturbing origin that dates back to the Victorian era. An old doctor fell in love with his teenage patient. Although he professed his love for her at every visit, it was unrequited. With no reasonable recourse available, the doctor resorted to an unreasonable one. He cut out his own heart and mailed it her with the message “Thou hast stolen mine heart” written with his own blood. For many years it was speculated that in order to do this, the doctor had written the letter first, using blood he had drawn from a cut on his finger, and then prepared the box to mail the heart, the postage, and the recipient's address before cutting his own heart out and stuffing it into the mailbox with his last few moments of consciousness. It was later discovered that the blood and the heart belonged to another patient, who had merely gone in for a physical. The doctor was never seen again.

If your heart is stolen by someone, it means you have a deep infatuation with them that you have little or no control over (hence the “stealing” part – it’s involuntary on your end). Statham, while seeking revenge against the man who has stolen his heart also has to face the reality that he is in love with him. This adds another layer to the magnificently crafted onion that is Crank: High Voltage. Can Statham bring himself to kill the man who has in every way possible, stolen his heart? You'll have to watch the movie to find out.

4 out of 5 stars.

Monsters vs. Aliens

2009-03-24T18:01:00.000-07:00

Monsters vs. Aliens

Dir: Rob Letterman, Conrad Vernon

Starring: Reese Witherspoon, Seth Rogen, Hugh Laurie

Runtime: 1 hr 34 mins

In a veritable who's who of established and upcoming Hollywood stars and starlets, Monsters versus Aliens is a non-stop thrill ride, so buckle those seat belts (a quick warning to parents: this movie will transform your kids into monsters).

The aliens are battling the monsters to determine the fate of humanity. Imagine Independence Day meets Monster's Inc. meets Alien meets Weekend at Bernie's. Picture what would happen if you combined those movies, and then you have Monsters vs. Aliens. Except it's a lot less like those other movies, and more like Weekend at Bernie's.

The monsters have to trick the aliens into believing that their boss is alive. The fate of the world depends on the aliens believing this ruse, so it's really important that they pull this off. They keep moving the body around, and getting into all kind of hilarious situations. They almost get caught so many times, but at the last moment they somehow manage to pull it off with the aliens none the wiser.

4 out of 5 stars

Race to Witch Mountain

2009-03-08T16:06:00.000-07:00

Race to Witch Mountain

Dir: Andy Fickman

Starring: Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, AnnaSophia "The Little Girl" Robb, Alexander Ludwig

Runtime: 1 hr 38 mins

This movie takes me back to when I rescued a couple of witch children. I found them on a particularly empty stretch of the I-10 in Arizona. I knew they must be witches, because who else but witches would be out in the middle of the desert at night, where the only thing for miles is the high-security juvenile detention facility? They weren't going to some fantastical mountain, like the witches in the movie. They just needed to get to Mexico as quick as possible.

They never confessed that they were witches to me, but I knew they were from the moment I saw them. You could tell because they wore these outlandish full body orange suits. And, just like the movie, the cops were after them. The police are always after witches, and that just isn't right. They weren't going to catch these witches on my watch.

On the road they asked me if I would buy them some beer. I asked them if beer rejuvenates their magical powers. They just stared at me and didn't answer. I felt stupid for not knowing. As I bought the beer, I made a mental note to look it up on Wikipedia later (I did; the results were inconclusive. Please comment if you have knowledge of the magic-restoring properties of beer).

When we got to Nogales, they told me this was far enough, thanks for helping us escape. I said it was no problem, it's not like I had anything better to do.

I watched them run off. I was hoping to catch a glimpse of their magic powers in action, but all they did was pull a knife on some old couple and steal their clothes.

4 out of 5 stars.

Watchmen

2009-03-01T06:55:00.000-08:00

Watchmen Dir: Zack Snyder
Starring: Malin Akerman, Billy Crudup
Runtime: 2 hrs 43 mins

Watchmen is what we like to call “Historical Fiction.” Historical Fiction is a great way to learn about the past without reading about stupid history. Just be careful, because sometimes it can be difficult to tell what is real. That's why I wrote this guide about what's fact and what's fiction within the Watchmen Universe:

Factual or Fictional? with Tom Thayer.

Nite Owl: Fictional. The crime fighting Nite Owl is not real. His character was based on Batman, who is real. The real Batman, however, does not really fight crime. But he does duct-tape real bats to his naked body and run around Central Park, screaming at everyone.

Newspapers: Factual. Newspapers are real, you dummy.

Richard Nixon: Fictional. A “bogeyman” invented by the GOP for reasons highly speculated, but ultimately unknown. Much like an evil Republican Santa Claus, he has captured the nation's imagination, and has been the topic of many recent films, such as Frost/Nixon, Dick, and Tricky Dick and the Candy Factory of Love (spoiler: he destroys the factory).

Dr. Manhattan: Part factual and part fictional. There was no Jon Osterman who got trapped in a reactor and became all-powerful. There was a gigantic blue guy who set most of Vietnam on fire. That happened, however, nearly a decade after the Vietnam War had ended.

4 out of 5 stars.

Dragon Boy

2009-02-22T13:30:00.000-08:00

Dragon Boy

Dir: Wolfgang Petersen

Starring: Freddie Highmore, Jon Benjamin (as the dragon), Danny DeVito

Runtime: 45 mins

Do your children a favor and throw out all their DVDs, and go buy Dragon Boy (but wait for it to come out on DVD first). Dragon Boy is a movie adaptation of E. Thompson Thayer's bestselling children's book.

War has broken out between the dragons and the humans. Dragons are flying around, setting all kinds of stuff on fire. A dragon (Jon Benjamin) is just about to destroy this guy's house, but this little kid (Highmore) comes out and says, “Hey, don't do that.”

The dragon is surprised that the boy can talk. “You can talk!” says the dragon.

“Of course I can talk,” the boy says, suddenly realizing that he is speaking to a dragon. “I didn’t know dragons could talk.” At that moment the dragon and the boy know they are going to be friends forever. Unfortunately, the dragon has already murdered the boy's family. “It’s okay, they were just my foster parents. I never knew my real mom and dad.”

“How old are you?” the boy asks the dragon. “I’m only 400 years old,” the dragon says shyly, embarrassed of how young he is. “But I’m really strong for my age!”

“400! That’s even older than Old Man Grover down at the feed store! I'm only 11.”

“11! I was still in my egg when I was eleven. You humans sure are strange.”

The boy was thinking the same thing, except about dragons.

The dragon takes the boy back to Dragon Mountain. “Blasphemy! You can’t bring a human here!” says the Dragon King.

“But he’s my friend!”

“Nonsense! We shall eat the human!”

All the dragons started cheering at the wise and fair judgment of the Dragon King. The dragon is torn between seeing his new best friend getting devoured by dragons, and rescuing him. The other dragons are about to eat the boy, but before they can, he swallows his friend all at once. But he really just hides the boy under his tongue. The dragons fall for it, and the boy is saved.

It turns out that dragons are really the good guys, and that the human kingdom was really evil the whole time. The dragons are trying to break into the castle, so that they can take down Morlock (DeVito), who is an evil wizard. He’s been controlling the human king this whole time with a mind control spell.

It also turns out that the boy and the dragon had the same dragon dad, and they are actually half-brothers.

In the end, they defeat Morlock, and teach everyone that dragons aren't as bad as everyone thought. The boy and the dragon fly off into the sunset in search of their dad. Does this mean there will be a sequel down the road? This reviewer hopes so.

4½ out of 5 stars.

Fired Up

2009-02-16T17:57:00.000-08:00

Fired Up

Dir: Will Gluck

Starring: Nicholas D'Agosto, Sarah Roemer

Fired Up takes you on a wild school bus ride into the secret lives of these goddesses, these human paradigms, these cheerleaders.

What makes cheerleaders so amazing and great? Why are we so obsessed with cheerleaders? Why do we want to be around them all the time? What makes us want to kidnap them so badly? How is it legal that a judge can force me to stay at least 500 yards away from a public high school? It really doesn't seem fair, especially when my taxes help keep it running.

As movies have proven, it is every high school girl's fantasy to get on the cheerleading team, and it is every high school boy's fantasy to get with the cheerleaders, which sometimes requires that he pretend he's really into cheerleading so that they will let him go to Cheerleading Camp.

Fired Up shows us cheerleaders in all their glory, and yet paints them as human beings, as someone you could approach after school and offer her a ride home in your convertible.

4 out of 5 stars.

Watch the trailer here

Friday the 13th

2009-02-08T17:39:00.001-08:00

Friday the 13th

Dir: Marcus Nispel

Starring: Derek Mears, Robin Williams

Runtime: 1 hr 37 mins

Another group of attractive, debaucherous, semi-likable young adults. Another massacre at the hands of masked villain, Jason Voorhees (Channel 101 star, Derek Mears). But this time Jason is depressed. Massacres have lost that massacre-y luster they once held. A single tear rolls down his hockey mask.

The blood is barely dry when a station wagon pulls up. It's none other than Dr. Richard Vanderstein (Robin Williams) and his family. Vanderstein is an eccentric, unorthodox psychiatrist from LA, but for the next week, he's just a family man on vacation with his wife Krystal (Charlize Theron), and their son and daughter.

Mostly out of habit, Jason goes to kill them in their sleep. He hovers over the bed, about to kill Theron, but something just isn't right.

“Can't do it can you?” Robin Williams says. He's sitting in the corner of the room, puffing his trademark corncob pipe. “Don't feel bad. I've tried to do it myself a few times.” Jason just stares.

“Not much of a talker, are you?” says Williams. “That's okay. Listen Jason. I'm a psychiatrist, and I want to help you. There's so much in life. You can't let it pass you by.”

Skip to a later scene: Robin Williams and Jason are sunbathing in the nude (except for the hockey mask of course). “Anyone can kill someone, Jason,” says Williams, “God knows I have. And God knows I'll do it again too. But it's moments like these. Just two guys in the middle of the wilderness. That's what makes life worth living.”

The rest of the movie is about uncovering the layered onion that is Jason Voorhees. He was drowned as a child, and that's bound to create some psychological issues down the road. If only Jason can just learn to let his past go, and learn to love.

Oh, and apparently Jason is also a genius at math somehow. He can multiply huge numbers in his brain, and so towards the end of the movie he gets a job as a professor at MIT. We flash forward five years, and he's winning this prestigious math award. And they ask him, “Is there anyone you want to thank for your success?” And Robin Williams leans forward in his chair, anticipating the praise he rightly deserves. “No,” says Jason, “It was all me.”

Robin Williams thinks he was betrayed, but it turns out that it wasn't really Jason up there, but a malfunctioning android that Jason built to accept the award on his behalf. The real Jason swoops down from the rafters, where he was controlling the robot until it went haywire, and then he and the robot fight it out right there in front of everyone. It looks like the robot is going to win, but Robin Willaims shouts, “Jason! You have to believe in yourself!” And then Jason totally starts believing in himself, and he beats the robot!

“I'd like to thank Dr. Vanderstein,” Jason tells the crowd. Everyone on screen starts cheering, and everyone in the theatre around me started cheering too. I would have cheered along with them, but I was too busy weeping with joy.

“Jason,” I whispered under my breath, “You son of a bitch. Well done.”

Well done.

5 out of 5 stars.

He's Just Not That Into You

2009-02-01T07:53:00.000-08:00

He's Just Not That Into You

Dir: Ken Kwapis

Starring: Drew Barrymore, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Aniston

Runtime: 2 hrs 9 mins

We all know that if a gentleman caller is “into you” he will make a business deal with your father, and acquire some land or some fat goats in exchange for the burden of taking care of you. If he’s not into you, he’ll probably burn down your farm and steal the goats. Either way, he’s getting some goats out of this.

Although He's Just not that into You felt somewhat contrived, (mainly because people were getting together without any sort of goat-related transactions. Are we just to assume that these transactions are being negotiated off screen?) the book that this movie was based on has a lot to offer in terms of tried and true relationship advice. I offer some of my favorite passages here:

“Men love it when you show you are committed. If he's not returning your calls, it's probably because you haven't called him enough times in a short enough span of time. Call him again, and if doesn't answer, immediately hang up and call again. If you manage to call him more than 60 times in one hour, he'll be very impressed, because that's more than one call per minute!”

“Pretend that you are pregnant. This will bring you closer together, and give you something to talk about during those painfully silent breakfasts. When he realizes you aren't really pregnant, just stuff a pillow under your shirt, and say 'Yes I am; just look how fat I am with this baby!' If done correctly, you can keep this going for at least a couple of years.”

“Men: Women love spontaneity. Tell her to dress up real nice because you're taking her out to the fanciest place in town. On the way there, say you changed your mind, and you have a better place to go to. Go to a McDonalds, and take off your fancy clothes in the car (make sure you wear a set of normal clothes underneath). She'll be the fanciest person at McDonalds! While you're eating your Big Macs, make sure to tell her how nice she looks. Women love to be complimented on how nice they look.”

“For guys or gals: Slowly (and subtly) chip away at your Significant Other's self esteem. A good way of doing this is by sending him/her anonymous letters in the mail that say mean things about the way they look, and/or their hygiene. The best part about being close to them is that you can figure out what they're most sensitive about, and really focus in on that in the letter. Make sure you don't put a return address, or sign it, or else they might figure out it's you. Also, practice acting surprised when they get the letter to divert suspicion. Say something like 'They do have a point,' about the letter (always make sure you pretend to read the letter first before you comment about it).

The less confident they feel about themselves, the more they will feel like you are their only option.”

“Finally, proper goat management is the key to any successful relationship. The fatter the goats, the better. If you don't have goats to trade, you've got a relationship headed nowhere.”

That last part about the goats wasn't really in the book, but I added it because it needed to be said.

3 out of 5 stars.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

2009-01-30T21:41:00.000-08:00

This is a guest review by my dear friend Crispy Whiskers. He's been going through a rough patch in his life, but that's netiher here nor there. What's important is that he's out there reviewing movies in the great movie theatre of life, as we all do. I hope you give him a warm welcome.

-Tom Thayer, Guy Who Reviews Movies.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Dir: David Fincher

Starring: Brad Pitt, Julia Ormond

Runtime: 2 hrs 46 mins

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button is about a really old man-baby who eventually grows into Brad Pitt. A lot of people think that CCOBB is based on a short story or something. Actually, the curious case of Benjamin Button is the curious case of real life actor, Brad Pitt. Pitt was born an old man-baby and continues to grow younger with each movie’s he in. Some people were surprised to hear about this Hollywood secret. But is it really that surprising? A close examination of the facts will make this point quite obvious.

Remember Meet Joe Black? Pitt plays a blond haired hunky embodiment of Death. And what does Death do? He quits the killing business for a while so he can go around town eating peanut butter by the spoonful and talking with a Jamaican accent to old black ladies. Then Death threatens a crazy old man, played by Anthony Hopkins, and the old man, in exchange for his pathetically feeble life, let’s Death sleep with his super hot doctor-daughter, played by the super hot Claire Forlani. Sound familiar? Wrong! Hopkins is actually the one who plays Death and Pitt is the dementia-crazed loon. The doctor daughter is still played by Claire Forlani. Moreover, Pitt wasn’t acting. He was scarcely aware of the cameras.

Then there was Ocean’s 11. In this one Pitt plays a really old con artist who decides to rob ten casinos, and for no particular reason, pretends to be a millionaire and speak with a German accent and has a heart attack while he’s stealing all the money from the safe. George Clooney has to save his life by carrying him out of the casino in a black duffel bag. The casino’s owner, played by Andy Garcia, sees Pitt’s face as he escapes and swears vengeance. But by the end of the movie, Pitt already looks like ten years younger and in the last scene he passes Garcia on the street and Garcia doesn’t even know it and then Pitt does the coolest thing anyone could possibly do, which is wink at the camera. Enough plot summary, I’m assuming most of you have already seen the movie. What I wanted to say was, in truth, Pitt actually was ten years younger and really did have a heart attack. After the paramedics resuscitated him, Pitt said “Get your hands off of me. It’s called improvisation, bitches.”

Which leads us up to CCOBB. What can I really say about CCOBB? It’s great to finally see Pitt play a character so much like himself. But as time goes on and Pitt grows younger, it’s going to be harder for him to play the type of characters we expect from him. Sure, there is makeup and CG effects, but we all know that stuff can only make a person look younger not older. Pitt has already started to make the difficult transition from old to young roles. He has just accepted Shia Labeouf’s role in Transformers 2 and there are rumors that he will star as Fred Savage’s character in the made-for-TV movie Wonder Years: The Reunion due out by 2020. But one thing is certain, as Pitt grows smaller, so do his career options.

Email to IMDB.com

2009-01-26T18:44:00.000-08:00

Hopefully this very diplomatic letter that I wrote about 20 minutes ago (with the assistance of several plastic cup-fulls of red wine) will clear things right up, and I can go back to my usual business of reviewing the shit out of movies.

Hello,

I wrote a review for Underworld: Rise of the Lycans. Many people liked my review and voted it "helpful," but for some reason it was deleted.

I also noticed that my reviews for Hotel for Dogs and Seven Pounds were also deleted.

To my knowledge, I did not break any of the guidelines that IMDB sets forth for reviews. I have not used any profanity, or revealed spoilers without warning.

I would like to know why my reviews were deleted, and is there any way to have this decision reversed and future deletions avoided in the future?

Sincerely,

Tom Thayer

UPDATE: IMDb's Response:

Hello,

Thank you for your message concerning the user comments system.

Please note that all comments must conform to the guidelines as described at:

http://www.imdb.com/help/show_leaf?commentsguidelines

We have examined the comment(s) which have been deleted and stand by our decision to remove them from the site. We recommend you read the guidelines again.

----
Regards,
Ann
The IMDb Help Desk

As you can see, this is a really shitty response. I told them that I read their guidelines, but didn't see what I did wrong. How is referring me back to the guidelines in any way helpful?

IMDb's guidelines say don't include:

Profanity, obscenities, or spiteful remarks.
Time-sensitive material (i.e., promotional tours, seminars, lectures, etc.).
Single-word reviews. We want to know why you liked or disliked the title.
Avoid unannounced spoilers! Please don't reveal crucial plot elements. If you include a spoiler without warning readers in advance your name will be added to a blacklist and, subsequently, all your comments will be discarded automatically. To label a spoiler make sure you check the 'contains spoilers' checkbox.
Phone numbers, mail addresses, URLs.
Availability, price, or ordering/shipping information.
Writing in ALL-CAPS! Writing sentences in all-uppercase characters is considered "SHOUTING" and must be avoided.

Okay, so I broke the URL rule. I see people doing that all over the place on IMDb, so I assumed it was an acceptable rule to break. This is where it would be helpful to get an actual response to my question.

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans

2009-01-19T10:31:00.000-08:00

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans

Dir: Patrick Tatopoulos Starring: Michael Sheen, Bill Nighy, Rhona Mitra
Runtime: 1 hr 32 mins

In some movies, the characters and plot are so far removed from our real life experiences, that the movie fails to make the human connection. Take Little Miss Sunshine for instance. Sure, it won plenty of awards from snobby critics, but who was that movie actually made for? How many of us actually go to beauty pageants, or drive vehicles, or have grandfathers? It was a movie made by the Hollywood elite, for the Hollywood elite.

And that's why Underworld: Rise of the Lycans is a breath of fresh air. It's not about Hollywood fat cats, riding their VW buses across the country like millionaires. Watching Rise of the Lycans is like looking through a magical porthole into my own childhood.

My Dad used to be a vampire. He would stumble back home before dawn, with the powerful stench of human blood on his breath. Human blood smells awful; like a combination of whiskey and beer. He would sleep all day, and would complain whenever Mom turned on a light or opened the curtains.

One time I asked Mom if Dad didn't like the sunlight because it would turn him into ashes. She just started laughing, but then it turned into crying.

At night, Dad would rise from bed, and go into town looking for blood.

One night Dad was attacked by our next door neighbor's pet Lycan. It was a big, mean beast. They kept it chained up in the yard. Dad was coming home from such a big night of feasting on blood, that he thought our neighbor's house was his house. When his key didn't work on the front door, he had assumed that Mom had changed the locks again.

So Dad went around back to where he thought Mom's bedroom was, and threw a brick through the window, and started yelling. The noise woke up the sleeping Lycan, who bit Dad on the leg.

The police came. The Judge made Dad stop being a vampire after that.

4½ out 5 stars.

Hotel for Dogs

2009-01-15T18:07:00.001-08:00

Hotel for Dogs

Dir: Thor Freudenthal

Starring: Don Cheadle, some kids

Runtime: 1 hr 40 mins

In 2004, Don Cheadle made us take a hard look at our sheltered, western lives with Hotel Rwanda. In 2009, Cheadle surpasses anything he's ever done before with Hotel for Dogs. Hotel for Dogs has all of the emotional poignancy of Hotel Rwanda, but with the added relevancy of taking place in our own country. This triumph of the canine spirit will certainly be remembered as the most emotionally powerful movie about a hotel ever made.

5 out of 5 stars.

Bride Wars

2009-01-14T18:51:00.000-08:00

Bride Wars

Dir: Gary Winick

Starring: Kate Hudson, Anne Hathaway

Runtime: 1 hr 30 mins

Bride Wars is a romantic comedy about a classic American rite of passage: the battle between two best friends who, through circumstances far beyond their control, can only get married on the same day for some reason.

Let me just say that I have been excited to see this movie since before it was even announced. On opening night, I arrived at the theatre promptly at midnight in my bride costume. Sadly, I must report that I was among the few that actually took the extra step to dress up. Apparently, wearing costumes to opening night is a dying tradition in American culture, because if you're not getting in costume for Bride Wars, what are you holding out for? Your own wedding? Please. Nobody is going to see that.

As much as I wanted this film to be the next Dark Knight, there was an obvious plot hole that was impossible to overlook. Frankly, it ruins the entire movie. I was actually embarrassed to be wearing the bridal gown when the movie was over.

The dramatic conflict is created by the two best friends who want to get married on the same day. The question burning in the audience's collective mind is: why doesn’t one bride simply kill the other?

If Hollywood and MTV have taught us anything (and they have taught us everything), it is that weddings are the single most important thing to any woman, ever. Weddings trump money, love, new shoes, children, and most of all, friendship. Weddings are the only thing that gives a woman meaning in her shallow, shoe-centric life.

In fact, I only know of one girl who would not murder her best friend if her friend was preventing her from having her wedding on a specific day (and that's only because she has no friends). Back me up on this, ladies.

I know what you're going to say: “ Tom, I agree with everything you just said, but if one of the brides killed the other one, the movie would have been too short.” Maybe you are right, Faceless-Reader-of-this-Blog. But at least it would have been real.

It would have been so easy for them to do it, too. A mail bomb, poison, hire a hitman, poison-by-mail, or scissors to the back of the head while they were clipping wedding coupons.

Another solution would be for one of the brides to kill the other's groom (no groom = no marriage). The consequences of this would have created a deliciously dramatic situation, as it would leave a vengeful, fiance-less woman, who would crash the other girl’s wedding drunk, and right before the vows, she'd start clapping real slow, and then when everyone is looking at her she'd say something like, “Everyone clap for the murder-bride!” and no one would know what she was talking about except for the bride, who would be thinking “Oh shit!”

Or she might pay a homeless man $20 to marry her, and continue with the wedding as planned, just out of spite.

You see, faithless readers, there is plenty of drama in reality. Hollywood has no need to insult us with such contrived endings, such as the two girls resolving their differences and becoming friends again in the end. No more, Hollywood! We want real! We demand the promised bloodshed that you have promised us!

1 out of 5 stars.

Zoolorgy

2009-01-13T19:14:00.000-08:00

Zoolorgy

Dir: Oliver Stone

Starring: various Animals, You

Runtime: 2 hrs 11 mins

From the moment you sit down in the theatre to watch Zoolorgy, you are molested by a glorious orgy of colors and sounds. Zoolorgy is a veritable gangbang of your senses.

It’s impossible to describe Zoolorgy without losing it. The best I can do is recreate for you what the experience of Zoolorgy is like.

Watching Zoolorgy is like being a bright-eyed child of five again. Your parents take you to the zoo for the very first time. But when you arrive, the bars and cages have vanished. The animals are roaming free; the lions and the tigers, the hippopotamuses and the egrets; they are all free. And they are having an enormous inter-species orgy right before your eyes. All the animals going at it, as if they had no cares in the world.

Perhaps that was poor example, allow me to try again:

Imagine you are on a desert island, with nothing but a coconut tree, sand, and a couple of shells. If you’re a dude, you’ve got this really hairy beard. Your throat is parched; you haven't had fresh water for days. The sun is beating down on you like a drunken father.

Suddenly, you see a boat on the horizon, coming to rescue you. But as it draws closer, you realize there are no humans on this boat. It’s a boat full of animals. And they're all having sex with one another. There are monkeys, and there are chickadees, and snakes, and rhinoceroses, and gibbons, and rats, and lemurs. All of them going in and out of one another with an almost reckless abandon.

Zoolorgy, at it's heart, is a celebration of life.

4 out of 5 stars.

Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants II

2009-01-03T12:39:00.000-08:00

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants II

Dir: Sanaa Hamri

Starring: Amber Tamblyn, America Ferrera, Alexis Bledel

Runtime: 1 hr 57 mins

Film buffs across the country rejoiced when we heard Hollywood was remaking Samuel Goldwyn's classic 1954 film, Women Can Wear Pants Now. No one can forget the tale of the four lovable housewives, who (with their husbands' permission) start wearing pants. Even more memorable than the film itself was the ensuing controversy, as some women actually took to wearing pants! Many film historians believe that the loose morality and ultra-liberal stereotype of Hollywood began with this very film.

As revered and groundbreaking as it was in 1954, some elements of Women Can Wear Pants Now comes across as dated. For instance, the film was shot in technicolor, and the sound is primitive. Also, several scenes are blatant anti-Soviet propaganda, and have nothing to do with the plot.

There was a social revolution following Women Can Wear Pants Now as women everywhere fought for more rights. In the years following the film, women's rights groups fought for, and achieved the right to refuse sex to anyone, and women's bathrooms (before 1955, there were only men's bathrooms. It wasn't much of an issue, because said bathrooms were only in public places anyway).

They also fought for the right to vote, and in a particularly emotional part of the month in September of 1956, this issue was taken before the Supreme Court, where it was realized, due to a legal loophole created by an obscure constitutional amendment in 1920, women technically already had the right to vote! And wouldn't you know it, black people could vote too.

Although everyone learned a lot that day, they all agreed to leave these events out of the history books, because it made everyone feel very silly.

The remake, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants II, is a success in that it stays true to the original while also managing to breathe fresh, modern air into it. The quartet of edgy, pants-wearing sisters includes Ugly Betty star America Ferrera. Her performance adds plenty of vaguely ethnic spice to the otherwise snow-white cast.

Thankfully, all the anti-Soviet propaganda of the original has been removed, and replaced with anti-Chinese propaganda.

4 out of 5 stars

Yes Man

2008-12-21T11:13:00.000-08:00

Yes Man

Dir: Peyton Reed

Starring: Jim Carrey, Zooey Deschanel

Runtime: 1 hr 44 mins

Yes Man is the gripping and tragic story of a man named Tim Clarrey (played by Jim Carrey). This film is based on a true story, although the characters' names have been slightly changed to protect their anonymity.

Clarrey is a famous film star, who is respected by his fans, and known for not “selling out.”

The inciting incident occurs on his son's sixth birthday, which Clarrey is running late for. Clarrey's son is an absolutely horrible little kid, who is furious that his father is late to his birthday party (which isn't even on his real birthday anyway). Apparently the clowns, the pony ride, and an ice sculpture aren't enough for the greedy child.

No, he needs his father too.

The audience, or at least I, sympathize with Clarrey's situation– nobody would want to be on time, or even there at all, if your son was anything like this miserable creature.

When his father isn't there to watch him blow out the candles on his cake, the vindictive little boy lashes out with an evil birthday wish. He wishes that his dad will never be able to say no to another acting job again.

When the child blows out the candles, a ball of magical light appears, and darts out the window. The camera follows this whimsical light as it dances down the street, darting between the lamp posts. It skirts above the surface of a lake, almost getting swallowed by a large fish. Finally, after spending the better part of twenty minutes in a women's bathroom, this magical-birthday-wish-light finds Clarrey and dives into his open mouth, just as he is about to reject a part in a terrible movie.

“So what about the movie?”

Clarrey opens his mouth to say “no,” but nothing comes out. He struggles, trying his hardest to pass on this terrible movie. But he just can't do it. Eventually he says, “I'd love to do Groovy Santa: A Christmas Musical!”

Clarrey accepts bad movie after bad movie. Cowboys in Love, Little Dogs in Outer Space (Clarrey does voice acting for the Chihuahua), Groovy Santa II, Cowboys in Space, and Groovy Santa III: A Hanukkah for Everyone.

Finally, rumor spreads to the porn industry that Clarrey will never refuse a movie. The Fantastic Foursome, Sexy Santa, Sex Detective, and Sex Detective II.

The second half of this movie is hardcore pornography.

4 out of 5 stars.

Seven Pounds

2008-12-20T18:10:00.000-08:00

Seven Pounds

Dir: Gabriele Muccino

Starring: Will Smith, Rosario Dawson

Runtime: 1 hr 58 mins

This is a really fucking dramatic movie, with Will Smith in it. Smith gets up there on the movie screen, and he's really sad for the first hour or two, and nobody knows why, but then they tell you that it's because he's poor and he can't afford to feed his family, and some guy steals his girlfriend and kicks him out of his house because he can't pay the rent, and won't anyone just give him seven pounds? (they're in England), but nobody does.

But then someone does, and he says “Thank you, God bless you,” even though it was the same guy who took his girlfriend and kicked him out of his house. Smith uses the seven pounds to buy a knife and then he finds that guy again, and he stabs him.

The end.

3 ½ out of 5 stars.

My Name is Bruce

2008-12-13T15:07:00.000-08:00

My Name is Bruce

Dir: Bruce Campbell

Starring: Bruce Campbell, DMV lady

Runtime: 1 hr 26 mins

When you've been famous on the Internet for over a week, as I have, you run the risk of getting recognized in public. To escape this fate, I employ little tricks to slip under the radar. Tricks such as: not putting a picture of myself on my website, paying for everything with cash, avoiding jury duty, and stealing cookware from Sears when I ran out of cash last weekend.

Alas, I was still recognized.

I was at the Department of Motor Vehicles, where I go every six months to update the photograph on my driver's license. I had an arrangement with the lady behind the counter that when my license was ready, instead of calling my name, she would call once like a Wood Owl and thrice like a Sagehen, and then wink across the room at me. Yet, when it was time, she bellowed “Tom Thayer,” loud and clear as day.

She was probably taking revenge on me for calling her chunky.

I accepted my license, and as I turned to leave the DMV, my path to freedom was blocked by a chunky man with black hair. The man inquired about my name, and about the website.

“Actually,” I told him, “It's pronounced 'Guy Who Reviews Movies.' And yes, that's me.”

“Wow, this is incredible. Everyone in the industry loves you.”

“And what industry would that be?” I silently prayed for garment industry.

“Uhh... film.”

Damn. Maybe next time.

I don't like wasting time, especially if the chances that our interaction will yield insider deals on garments are slim to none. I made up an excuse to leave.

“I have to leave because... I need to get... a new... hamburger?”

I'm not very good at making up excuses.

“Wait. My name is Bruce Campbell.” He paused, as if he expected me to recognize his name. Maybe we had met at a party. I talk to a lot of people at parties, mostly to solicit loans. I find that people are more willing to give you loans at a party. Maybe he was coming to collect on a loan.

“I'm sorry, I don't have money...”

Once again, he appeared confused. “I'm an actor and director.”

“Uh huh.”

“I'd love it for you to see an advance screening of my new movie, My Name is Bruce.”

I quickly agreed, desperate to get out of there, as I suddenly found myself craving hamburgers. I regretted my decision later that week, when I found myself sitting in the theatre, wondering what kind of megalomaniac names a movie after himself.

My Name is Bruce is the story of a sad, black-haired, chunky man, and his dark-haired chunky friends, and their misadventures in the modern world. That lady from the DMV was also in it, as one of the chunky friends. In fact, I think the entire movie was actually shot at the DMV. The production value was practically non-existent. The plot was mediocre and not very funny. And although it was presented as a true story, it was very hard to believe.

1½ stars out of 5

Australia

2008-12-07T08:47:00.000-08:00

Australia

Dir: Baz Luhrmann

Starring: Nicole Kidman, Hugh Jackman, var. Aborigines (uncredited)

Runtime: 2 hrs 50 mins

Welcome to an island shrouded in mystery and make-believe. Welcome to an island where Summer is Winter, Winter is Summer, Spring is some new season you've never even heard of, and Fall is just gone altogether. Welcome to an island that inexplicably emerged from the sea about 250 years ago.

Welcome to Australia.

Recent Gallup polls have determined that 72% of Americans don't believe Australia is a real continent. Amongst them, there are two schools of thought. Some believe that Australia is a desolate wasteland ruled by highly intelligent (yet very savage and cruel) beasts and pseudo-futuristic motorcycle gangs.

Others claim that Australia doesn't exist, and is an imaginary place invented by the British Empire some 200 years ago.

If you've ever wondered if Australia is real, recent blockbuster documentary Australia is for you.

Within the first few minutes of the film, Director Baz Luhrmann finally sets the debate to rest: the island of Australia is as real as you or I. With what appears to be complete disregard for their own safety and self-preservation, Luhrmann and his film crew actually go there.

Upon arrival, Lurhmann interviews Native Australian (called Aborigine) Hugh Jackman, an Australian historian, who sheds light on the reasons behind the Northern Hemisphere's misconceptions of his homeland.

“Many people out there believe that Australia was made-up by the British Empire, and with good reason,” says Jackman. “The British Empire was notorious for making-up islands; they did Christmas Island, Easter Island, and of course, Ireland. It's no wonder that people thought Australia was just another hoax.

“Estimates for when Australia was actually discovered range between 1898 all the way up to 1962. While many countries lay claim to Australia, none are able to prove that they discovered it. What we do know for sure is that Australia was completely uninhabited until it was discovered, which was definitely no more than 110 years ago.”

Jackman, however, is unable to settle whether Australia is a continent, or just a really big island.

“Well, it's very large, which is a telling characteristic of a continent,” says Jackman. “On the other hand, it is an island.”

This part of the debate will, undoubtedly, continue among scholars for many years to come.

Part 2: Queen of the Outback

Early on in his exploration of the desolate Outback, Luhrmann and his film crew are captured by a band of pseudo-futuristic motorcyclists. They are brought to the Compound— a mighty fortress built mostly from iron scraps and tires; a paradox that is both pseudo-futuristic and medieval.

Luhrmann and company are brought before Nicole Kidman, who is a paradox within herself– cold and deadly self-proclaimed Queen of the Outback, but also a sensual woman; strong and vulnerable. A gleam in her eye speaks of passion, and the deadly kind of passion (if any other kind exists). Many suitors have courted her, and they have all had their hearts impaled on a spike.

Quite literally. The spike stands in the main courtyard, with half a dozen shriveled hearts of men in various stages of decomposition. However, if you could talk to any one of these suitors from beyond the grave, and ask if they regret it, they would all say, “Not even for a moment.”

Kidman informs the film crew that, having seen the location of the Compound, they must remain here forever. Some protest, but it's obvious that there is no arguing with the Queen of the Outback.
Many months pass, and the film crew gradually adjust to their new lives. There is a lot of hard work, the kind of work that men from the “modern world” are unused to, but they grow into quickly, and most of them begin to love the slowed down, simple lives they have here.

But not all are satisfied, and the cameraman, who yearns for his old life, attempts an escape. He scales the Inner Wall. A watchman fires his crossbow, but misses, while another sounds the alarm.

As the cameraman scales the Outer Wall, Kidman pulls from her hair a metal weapon similar to a boomerang. Taking only a moment to aim, she hurls it with perfect accuracy. There is contact, and the man is instantly decapitated.

Luhrmann is furious with Kidman, and they do not speak for days.

A funeral is held, and Luhrmann tells a story or two about the cameraman. They weren't very close, but Luhrmann cares for all his crew in an almost paternalistic way. The story-telling is cathartic, and while Luhrmann is speaking, he begins to weep. Soon everyone is weeping uncontrollably.

Then, amidst the purifying tears, one man starts laughing. The laughter spreads as suddenly and as quickly as the weeping did, until Luhrmann is laughing too. Life is strange and beautiful.

The next day, Luhrmann awakes to the sound of the alarm, and people shouting. One voice, a female voice that feels like the bitter cold of Summer in the Outback, carries above the din.

“To arms, you men! This is our day of reckoning!” Kidman shouts, brandishing a pair of slim daggers, daggers that are no strangers to the warmth of soft flesh. Daggers that have silenced the beating hearts of dozens of beasts and men alike.

There is a cry from the outer wall. Arrows whistle.

Luhrmann sees one. A kangaroo. He never believed these mythic creatures existed. They stand tall and upright, like a man stands. But they are capable of vertical leaps of nearly fifty feet, from the ground outside to the top of the Outer Wall.

He watches a man swing an axe at a kangaroo, and miss. The kangaroo rips out the man's throat with it's claws, and lets out a fierce cry, emboldening the rest. At first Luhrmann is frightened, but then rage sweeps over his body like a rancorous broom. Rage towards his wife, Gloria and his friend Peter (back in his other life in sunny Malibu, California) who were drunk and slept together and were both really sorry about it, they were both just so fucking sorry about it. And how he forgave them and got over it, but never really got over it.

But most all, he feels Rage for the fallen cameraman, and the man who just had his throat ripped out on the wall, and for all the other goddamn good men in the world who die too young. Grabbing a loose metal pipe, he enters the melee.

He strikes a kangaroo from behind, rescuing his key grip from a grisly fate. As he helps the man to his feet, a tiny kangaroo bursts from the fallen kangaroo's grotesque stomach pouch, and sinks its sharp teeth into Luhrmann's scalp. He cries in pain and pulls at the beast, but it has latched on too tightly.

A flash of steel, and the tiny kangaroo releases and falls limp. Kidman wipes her blade on her already bloodstained shirt. In the thrilling chaos of battle, their consciousness has become one, and Luhrmann doesn't even need to thank her.

Luhrmann and Kidman realize they are surrounded. They draw inward, and position themselves back to back. Wave after wave of kangaroo approaches them and subsequently fall, creating a mountain of kangaroo corpses beneath their feet. By the end, Kidman and Luhrmann are soaked with blood, and gasping for breath.

When he realizes there are no more living kangaroos, exhaustion sweeps over him like a tiring broom.

“There are many good soldiers who fell today,” Kidman says to the survivors. “But tonight we, the living, we will feast and be merry.”

That night, the air fills with the sweet smell of roasting kangaroo bacon. Beer flows, and the survivors sing and dance. Tomorrow they will bury their dead.

And tomorrow Luhrmann, and his remaining crew, will leave.

He finds Kidman alone, by the firelight, and together they sit for a while.

Finally, he speaks. “I made movies about life, but I had forgotten how to live. You made me remember.”

“Then why are you leaving?”

Luhrmann hesitates for a second, and in that second passes thirty years. An entire future life that could be. He remains here with Nicole Kidman, and becomes King of the Outback. She bears his many children. Blonde, beautiful, warrior children. The princes and princesses of Australia. Their royal family unites the other pseudo-futuristic motorcycle bands, and leads them to victory, driving the bloodthirsty kangaroos to extinction once and for all.

Their hair turns grey, and they continue to rule. Until one night, many years later, he dies peacefully in his sleep.

This future could be his. All he needs to do is stay.

But he can't.

It's his wife, Gloria. It always has been her.

“No,” he says slowly. “I must go.”

Kidman's eyes glisten in the firelight, and she turns her back to him. She refuses to let any man see her like this. Any man that sees her like this has his heart torn out and placed upon the spike. She wants to do this to Luhrmann, but she already knows that she won't. He's different from the others. She makes him feel weak, and she hates him for that.

“Then go now."

Luhrmann sits silently for another minute, and then goes. He gathers his crew, and they leave as the dawn begins to break.

5 out of 5 stars.

Four Christmases

2008-11-30T19:27:00.000-08:00

Four Christmases (PG-13)

Dir: Seth Gordon

Starring: Vince Vaughn, Reese Witherspoon

Runtime: 1 hr 22 mins

I had no idea what to expect when I went to see Four Chistmases. I had never heard of it before the day I saw it. To be honest, I actually thought I was going to see Transporter 3. That's what I (thought I) bought tickets for.

Why did I stay and watch a movie other than the one I was intending on seeing? Well, for the first forty minutes or so, I thought I was watching Transporter. Then I thought to myself, this setup is going on way too long. Why was Jason Statham buying a Christmas tree? Then I realized, it wasn't Jason Statham at all. Who were these strange people on the screen? And... what were they saying? Their language sounded like English to me, but for some reason I couldn't make sense of the words.

A feeling of overwhelming panic and dread began to rise, like a loaf of bread, in the pit of my stomach. I looked around, to see if other members of the audience were having a similar incomprehensible, disorienting experience. If they were, they gave no outward signs of it. They all stared, transfixed, at the screen. Looks ranging between mild amusement and mild boredom across their ugly, complacent faces.

I tapped the person next to me, and asked if he knew what was happening. He turned and responded in that same, distinctly familiar nonsense-language they were using in the movie. My neighbors' face was contorted, as if trying to communicate some non-verbal message to me, as the normal avenues of communication had failed. Others were looking too, I realized. The feeling of dread, temporarily forgotten, now returned tenfold.

I had to get out of there. Now.

But how?

I'll do it the normal way. I'll just get up from my chair, and run to the exit. However, my legs gave out beneath me, like two useless loaves of bread. I collapsed. There was talking, either from the movie or from the audience, I could no longer distinguish the difference. And of course I didn't know what they were saying, but I knew it was about me. On the filthy floor of the theatre, I pulled and slithered my way to the exit.

4 out of 5 stars.

Quantum of Solace

2008-11-30T14:11:00.000-08:00

Quantum of Solace, (PG-13)

Dir: Marc Forster

Starring: Daniel Craig, Judi Dench, Norm Macdonald

Runtime: 1 hr 46 mins

After Casino Royale, I expected a lot from QoS. It delivered. While the days of Sean Connery and Norm Macdonald are behind us, Daniel Craig can still deliver the single line quips we Bond lovers have come to love and expect.

I'd like to indulge you in some of my favorite one-liners from QoS, which I'm sure will be quoted for years to come.

“I'm getting too old for this shit,” admits Craig upon hearing that the world is in danger of getting blown up once again, and he has to save everyone's ass one more time before he can finally take his MI6 pension, move to a quiet English suburb and retire.

“How does this shit taste?” quips Craig, whilst defecating in the open mouth of a Russian spy.

“How does my pee-pee taste?” says Craig minutes later while urinating into the open mouth of the same Russian spy.

“I used to be on Saturday Night Live,” remarks Macdonald, momentarily breaking out of his character (James' father) to address the audience, simultaneously delighting most and confusing all.

“Prepare to meet your maker,” Craig advises a rag-tag army of animatronic dinosaurs that have recently turned sentient, as he leads them to the manufacturing plant where they were created.

Craig has the quiet subtlety and charm of Connery, and the raw sexual appeal of a young Macdonald.

4 out of 5 stars.

Twilight

2008-11-30T14:05:00.000-08:00

Twilight, (PG-13)

Dir: Catherine Hardwick

Starring: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson

Runtime: 2 hrs 2 mins

The first scene of Twilight is as disturbing as it is touching. A boy teenage vampire and a girl teenage vampire meet each other in a graveyard. The boy teenage vampire gives the girl teenage vampire a knowing smirk. The kind of smirk that makes the audience wonder: Are these teenage vampire lovers, perhaps? The sexual tension in the theatre at this moment was palpable.

The hunt begins! The two turn into bats; the girl becomes a pink bat (practical, yes. Realistic, also yes, but perhaps a little too gender normative for my taste). They fly high above the city, performing majestic and graceful swoops while the opening credits roll.

A middle-aged business man is going home after a long day at the office, no doubt. He's talking on his cell-phone, presumably to his wife. Little does he know that he will never see her again.

The teenage vampire bats land on the businessman's shoulders, one on each, and begin shrieking their horrifying bat-shrieks.

“Transform!” the bats shout in unison, allowing them to revert back into their human shape. Then they leap on the man, and devour him with their sharp vampire fangs. The camera is mercifully directed at the ground for this shot, so all we see are shadows and blood splattering.

Although the rest of the film is a somewhat predictable teenage vampire love romp, Director Catherine Hardwick has perfected the tried and true teenage vampire love romp formula.

4½ out of 5 stars.

*SPOLIER*

Some of my colleagues claim that a mere Wesley Snipes cameo would have been sufficient, and that it didn't make a lot of sense to have him kill off the entire cast in the third act. But to me it makes perfect sense. They are vampires, and so Wesley Snipes needs to kill them. I pose a rhetorical question: How else could it have possibly ended?