Sunday, August 30, 2009


In a twisted near-future, criminals are inserted into video games, where they fight to the death with one another for their freedom. The game finds huge success, because everyone agrees that the more realistically you can kill someone, the more fun you're probably having.

The main character is a criminal named Kable, who finds himself under the control of a gamer whiz named Simon. They have to learn to put their differences aside while they play the game – Kable for his freedom, and Simon for the glory of winning Gamer of the Month.

Eventually people realize that killing people in real life is even more realistic (and therefore exponentially more fun) than killing people through a real person inside a video game. The “Murder Bill” (also known as the “Kill Bill”) is finally passed through Congress, and people just go nuts with it. Imagine Battle Royale, but for the entire world.

Finally, after like three hours, the movie goes back to Simon and Kable, who apparently freed himself from the game. Kable surveys the war-torn planet, and says grimly, “Look at what's happened to mankind, we've become as bad as the game.”

Simon doesn't say anything, because while Kable was talking, he was transformed into a real goat! Just like that! “What the fuck!” says Kable.

“Save me,” pleads Simon the goat (he can talk now. It was just during the transformation itself that he couldn't talk).

“I will,” says Kable. Kable goes off in search of the wizard who did this to his friend. But some things come up. His sister is having a baby, and his friend is having a BBQ on Sunday, and he eventually just forgets about it and moves on with his life.

4 out of 5 stars.

Monday, August 24, 2009

The Final Destination

The Final Destination is a movie about some guy who has premonitions about horrible disasters. He is able to warn people and save them from death itself! I can only imagine what happens next is that this person travels the world saving people from catastrophes. I couldn't sit there and watch the rest of the movie while potential disasters were about to happen everywhere. I had to do something to stop them!

I ran into the lobby of the theatre, and I concentrated really hard until I started having some premonitions of my own. I could see the people in this very lobby, screaming. They were scalded... by hot butter. It was horrible. Suddenly I knew. It was the popcorn machine - it was going to explode, and the butter was going to burn them real bad!

"Everyone needs to leave!" I shouted. "The popcorn machine, she's going to blow!" I threw myself on the ground, and covered my face with my hands to protect myself from the imminent disaster.

Everyone was talking at once, it seemed, as they all presumably scurried to safety, or protected their faces like me (I couldn't see because I was protecting my own face). "It's okay everyone," said a concession stand worker a short while later. "The popcorn machine is fine."

Thank God, I thought.

Thanks to my premonition, this noble concession stand worker was able to stop the popcorn machine from exploding in the nick of time. I knew then that I must use my gift to save as many people as I could.

On the escalator, I premonitioned that the lady in front of me was going to get her heel stuck, and she, unable to detach from her shoe, would be dragged under the escalator, and then back up to the top of the escalator. This would continue to happen, over and over.

I shoved her as hard as I could, and she fell forward off the escalator, onto the safe, firm movie theatre carpet. "I just saved your life," I whispered as I hopped over her.

Once outside in the parking lot, I envisioned a herd of elephants trampling the cars, and then trampling the people, and finally the movie theatre itself. Nothing was safe from their stomp-happy feet and their deadly stab-wanting tusks.

So lost was I in my terrible, elephantine premonition that I didn't see the car until after it had struck me. Physically I had suffered minimal damage - a few scrapes and bruises. But the premonitions have stopped.

My only regret is that I did not capitalize on my ability while it lasted.

4 out of 5 stars.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Legally Blondes

A lot has happened since the movie Legally Blonde was released in the mid-eighties. Since then there has been a hit broadway show, and two very successful* sequels, including the most recent straight-to-DVD Legally Blondes.

But one thing hasn't changed. Blondes everywhere are still constantly complaining that their intelligence is being judged because of their hair color. 

I decided to do a little investigative journalism to see if their claims are valid. I wore a blonde wig for a week to see if people would treat this blonde differently. 

Here's a record of what happened: 

8/2 - Bought a beautiful blonde wig that fits my head like a glove, but for my head. 

8/3 - Went to work today. Everyone wanted to know what was up with the wig. Decided I need to take my social experiment to a place where people don't already know I'm not a natural blonde. 

8/4 - Called in sick to work. Walked around town. People were looking at my hair, and giving me weird looks. I never realized how much blonde hair makes you stick out.

8/5 - Called in sick again. Spent the day trying to get a small business loan from Bank of America. In the end, I was unable to get the loan due to having "no references" and "no business plan." But I think it's really because of the golden mane on my head.

8/6 - Weird day. Found myself trapped on a desert island with a brunette, a redhead, and a magic lamp. The brunette and redhead wished themselves off the island. I wished them back onto the island.

8/7 - Got a message from work warning me to "stop abusing my sick days." I find it interesting that I didn't receive this warning back when I was abusing my sick days before I became blonde.

8/8 - One week has passed. With the experiment over, I went to return the wig to the wig shop. They refused to take it back on the grounds that it looked as though the wig had been "run over several times with a car." It had only been run over by a car twice, and a bicycle once.

The results of my week-long experiment speak are disturbing to say the least. It's a shame that our society at large remains so narrow-minded, even with progressive movies out there such as Legally Blondes.

*Successful in spirit

Monday, August 3, 2009

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Starring: Our brothers and sisters in uniform
Dir: Stephen Sommers
Runtime: 1 hr 58 mins

How to: Build your own Accelerator Suit

Let's face it. We all want Accelerator Suits, but getting into the army is tough. Between needing to not have been convicted of any felonies, and not being in a gay marriage or having previously been gay married or attempting to get gay married, it is a precious few of us that are eligible for consideration for the general infantry of the US Army. And that's not even counting all those ineligible simply because they currently have an infectious and contagious disease. There is a reason it's called "An Army of One” - there's like one person in the country who can meet these outrageous standards.

If you're like most of us, you've got at least one or two or three of the above items holding you back from joining the army. That's okay. The only reason anyone wants to get into the army these days is to get their hands on an Accelerator Suit (featured in the newly released movie
G.I. Joe). And now you don't need to join the army, because you can build your own Accelerator Suit by following my simple instructions.

First I would like to note that Accelerator Suits are the most dangerous kind of suit there is, with the possible exception of Poison Arrow Frog Suits. Any attempt to actually use this suit without proper G.I. Joe training would likely result in your dismemberment and death, and the dismemberment of your loved ones.

Please do not attempt to actually build this suit. Following these simple instructions will likely result in (even more) felonies for you and your loved ones, and the breaking of up to and including five international treaties. These impossibly simple instructions are for entertainment purposes only.

Should you attempt to build this suit despite my warnings, please do not make Youtube videos of it, and email the links to, because I will not post them, as doing so could be construed as implicit encouragement of making these very dangerous, yet surprisingly easy to make suits.

NOTE: Due to a somewhat aggressive letter from General P_____ from the Pentagon, I have been "asked" to remove certain parts of Steps 2 and 3. If this bothers you as much as it should, please write to your local congressman.

Step 1
: You will need some baking soda and vinegar. You will also need about 1 kg of weapons-grade plutonium. If you can't procure weapons-grade plutonium, any sort of regular-grade plutonium should suffice and even "I Can't Believe it's Not Plutonium!" will work in a pinch.

Step 2: Take the ______________ in ______________. Be careful when ______________ no less than seven times.

Step 3: ______________ a cat. ______________ the ______________
sticky, along with the distinct smell of human ______________.

Step 4: Build and program an automatic data interchange system. This system should feature a standard repeating process loop. Alternatively, you can take an old computer and glue the computer chips to your suit. Duct tape will work if you don't have glue. Doritos will work if you don't have a computer.

Step 5: Put it to the test! Get on top of your house * and jump down**. If you built the suit correctly, you should be flying above your neighborhood by this time. If you didn't build your suit correctly, attempt to angle your body so that the fall from the roof kills you, because your exposure to the plutonium will likely result in a much more painful death.

*Don't do this.
**Definitely don't do this, and don't video tape it.

4 out of 5 stars, why not.